SINGLE    GENTLEMAN: 


BY 


TIMOTHY    THISTLE. 


DESIGNS    BY    THE    AUTHOR. 

ILLUSTRATIONS    BY    I.   HYDE. 


BOSTON: 
OLIVER  ELLSWORTH. 

1867. 


Entered,  according  to  Act  of  Congress,  in  the  year  1867,  by 

THOMAS  DAVIS, 
In  the  Clerk's  Office  of  the  District  Court  of  the  District  of  Massachusetts. 


CONTENTS. 


I      A  SINGLE  GENTLEMAN 11-20 

Responds  to  Calls.  —  Mortifying  Incidence.  —  Letters 
Received.  —  Evening  with  the  "Family."  —  Sudden 
Exit. 

II. 21-37 

Invited  to  the  "Comforts  of  a  Home." — Moves. — 
Breakfast.  —  Unfortunate  Remarks.  —  Concert.  —  Sur 
vey  of  the  Furniture.  —  Prevalence  of  Influenza. — 
Appearance  of  the  "Band."  —  Retires  to  Apartments. 

—  Calls  for  the  Landlady.  —  Meets  with  "Disguised 
Affliction."  —  Sudden  Change  in  Expectations.  —  Con 
solation  Sought. 

Ill 39-55 

Uncomfortable  Condition.  —  Leaves  the  House.  —  Re 
members  the  "  Help."  — Note  from  Miss  Rousindash. 

—  Meets  a  Supposed  Acquaintance.  —  Information  Ob 
tained. —  Visit    to    the    Lady.  —  Reception.  —  Rooms 
Engaged. — Rebellion  among  the  "Ladies."  —  Expla 
nation  Refused.  —  Search  after  Jonathan  and  the  Cot- 
bed. —  Unrealized  Temporal  Blessings. 

IV 57-75 

Miss  Rousindash.  —  Secret  Organization. — Constitu 
tion.  —  By-laws  and  Resolutions  of  the  "  Order  of  My 
Lady."  —  Combination  and  Coalescing.  —  Means  Em 
ployed  to  Convey  Information.  —  Return  to  the  Hotel. 

—  Seeks  Other  Apartments. 


VI 


PAGE. 

V 77-115 

Visit  from  Mr.  Doolittle.  —  Decides  upon  a  Change.  — 
Selects  a  Club. — Duties  and  Obligation.  —  Introduc 
tion. —  Music.  —  Method  Adopted  by  the  "Corporate 
Body."  —  Mistake  Discovered.  —  Keturn  to  Hotel.  — 
Soliloquy. —  Mr.  Doolittle's  Visit.  —  Explanation. 

VI 117-159 

Indisposition.  —  Frequent  Visits  of  Mr.  Doolittle.  — 
Chagrin  Experienced.  —  Visit  to  the  Club.  —  Recep 
tion.  —  Supper.  —  Song.  —  Interview  with  the  Members. 

—  Extra  Bill.  —  Correspondence.  —  Indignation.  —  Re 
solves. —  Resignation.  —  Visit  to    Colonel    Thompson 
and  Lady.  —  Result.  —  Mrs.  Thompson's  Opinion   of 
Woman.  —  Change  Proposed.  —  Mr.  Doolittle's  Advice. 

—  Experience.  —  Auction    Room.  —  Purchase  of  Fur 
niture. —  Visit  of  Miss   Stebbins.  —  Her  Opinion  and 
Advice.  —  Disposal  of  the   "  Traps."  —  Visit  to   Miss 
Stebbins.  —  Reception.  —  Engagement  Broken.  —  Sud 
den  Change  in  Prospects.  —  Return  to  Hotel. 

VII 161-182 

Effects  of  the  Broken  Engagement.  —  Visit  of  Mr. 
Doolittle.  —  Reading  of  Correspondence.  —  New  De 
velopments. —  Mr.  Doolittle's  Advice.  —  Acquaintance 
of  Mr.  Sprout.  —  The  Book-agency.  —  Acceptance  of 
Terms.  —  Examination  of  Books.  —  Preparation  for 
the  Work.  —  Discouraging  Commencement.  —  Miscon 
struction  of  Remarks.  —  Forms  other  Acquaintances. 

—  Proposals.  —  Attends   the   Board    of  Education.  — 
Competing   Books.  —  Unsuccessful    Efforts.  —  Discon 
tinuance  of  Book-agency.  —  "  Business  Rules."  —  Gen 
eral  Agencv.  —  Success. 


TO   THE   READER. 

IN  glancing  over  the  "prefatory  notices"  of  every 
work,  the  reader  should  be  permitted  to  form 
an  idea  of  the  author's  design,  in  the  presentation  of 
his  subject. 

Many  writers,  I  find,  have  thought  proper  to  in 
clude  in  their  "brief  outlines,'1  lengthy  "Editorial 
remarks,"  while  others  embrace  the  opportunity  in 
which  to  offer  an  apology  for  what  has  been  omitted  or 
committed. 

A  few,  I  regret,  unconsciously  lead  the  mind  into 
au  abyss  of  darkness,  from  which  there  is  no  escape 
after  once  passing  beneath  the  arches  of  a  subterranean 
edifice  possessed  of  countless  apartments,  'traversed 
only  through  windings  so  intricate  and  tortuous  in 
their  construction,  it  is  astonishing  that  the  architect  — 
after  the  completion  of  his  labor  —  ever  afterwards 
held  communication  with  the  "outside  world." 

In  each  narrative  herein  presented,  I  have  endeav 
ored  to  reach  the  close  in  the  use  of  as  few  words  as 
possible ;  while  the  delineation  of  characters  assumed, 
vii 


Vlll 


will,  I  trust,  show  to  those  whose  duty  and  privilege 
it  is  to  add  to  the  happiness  and  comfort  of  all  with 
whom  they  are  associated,  how  detestable  as  well  as 
ridiculous  their  conduct  often  appears,  —  either  from 
want  of  education,  experience  or  disposition  —  in 
neglecting  to  fulfill  the  humble  calling  to  which  they 
have  been  assigned. 

It  has  not  been  my  design  to  offer  any  offence : 
those  who  may  feel  condemned,  become  their  own 
judges ;  while  others,  —  who  have  suffered  —  will, 
like  myself,  I  trust,  "  majestically  "  rise  above  their 
tormentors,  and  "coincide  most  fully"  with  one  who 
has  experienced  untold  misery  searching  after  ' '  tempo 
ral  blessings,"  under  the  disguise  of  that  promised 
place  "  possessing  all  the  comforts  of  a  home." 

This  work  having  received  no  "Editorial"  assist 
ance,  such  remarks  must  necessarily  be  dispensed 
with :  the  author  would  therefore  inform  the  public,  he 
has  no  one  connected  with  him  through  whom  an  apol 
ogy,  if  necessary,  could  be  offered. 

The  only  objection  to  the  work,  thus  far  advanced 
by  several  of  my  friends,  is  that  of  brevity.  Among 
these,  I  most  highly  esteem  the  opinion  of  Solomon 
Doolittle,  Esq.,  a  gentleman  to  whom  I  owe  a  debt  of 
gratitude  for  constant  and  unalloyed  friendship  so  long 
existing  between  us,  and  from  whom  I  have  received 
comfort  and  consolation  in  the  most  trying  moments  of 
my  life. 


IX 

To  his  protection  and  guardian  care,  I  would  recom 
mend  all  distressed  and  weary  "pilgrims,"  during 
their  "journey  through  the  wilderness." 

There  are  others  in  every  community  who,  no  doubt, 
fully  coincide  in  the  views  entertained  by  Mr.  Doo- 
little,  while  not  a  few  will  be  quite  as  positive  I  have 
written  altogether  too  much. 

Should  this  difference  of  opinion  exist,  a  "  discrimi 
nating  public  "  will  at  once  realize  my  position. 

Those  who  are  averse  to  a  plain  though  faithful  nar 
rative, —  "  feelingly  expressed  "  —  should  not  peruse 
these  pages.  To  such,  in  all  candor  I  would  say,  the 
misfortunes  and  sufferings  I  have  endured,  are  more 
especially  adapted  to  the  requirements  of  a  class  who 
will  greet  my  humble  effort  —  if  wanting  in  consola 
tion  —  as  one,  abounding  in  sympathy. 

THE   AUTHOR. 


THE    ADVERTISEMENT. 


A  SINGLE  GENTLEMAN,  engaged  in  a  highly  respectable 
business,  desires  three  or  four  rooms,  situated  on  one 
floor,  unfurnished,  and  located  at  the  South  End.  Hight  of 
apartments  or  number  of  flights  to  reach  the  same  unimportant, 
provided  it  does  not  extend  beyond  the  attic  stairway.  The  pro 
prietor,  and  more  especially  the  proprietress,  are  not  expected 
to  be  too  FLIGHTY  in  respect  to  terms,  but  adhere  at  least  one 
week  to  the  conditions  made  known  at  the  first.  One  hour  each 
Monday  morning  will  be  devoted  to  making  new  contracts,  if 
desired.  The  occupant  chooses  to  select  his  own  society  on  all 
occasions ;  answer  any  and  all  interrogatories  in  a  manner  be 
fitting  the  occasion,  or  agreeable  to  the  interest  the  inquirer 
should  possess  in  regard  to  the  matter.  The  few  effects  that 
may  be  placed  in  the  various  apartments  will  be  considered  the 
property  of  the  owner,  and  not  for  the  benefit  of  uncles  and 
aunts  visiting  the  family.  And,  as  the  furniture  is  not  of  the 
ordinary  auction  character,  he  will  be  happy  to  furnish  a  suita 
ble  duster,  rather  than  have  birch  brooms  too  frequently  drawn 
across  the  face  of  the  paintings.  Small  children  positively  pro 
hibited  entering  the  apartments,  and  all  cats  found  in  his  sanc 
tum  will  be  unceremoniously  disposed  of  from  an  open  window. 

Address ,  lock  box,  Boston  Post  Office. 

P.  S.  —  It  is  desirable  "Bridget"  should  not  mistake  the 
Piano  for  a  wood  box,  and  that  coals  should  be  kept  in  the  occu 
pant's  apartments.  Breakfast  desired,  if  worth  the  price,  and 
the  price  immaterial,  if  worthy  of  the  meal. 


A   SINGLE    GENTLEMAN. 


1. 


I  ENTERTAINED  no  doubts  from  the  first, 
of  receiving  numerous  and  pressing  invi 
tations  to  occupy  rooms,  in  response  to  the 
foregoing  advertisement. 

A  "  single  gentleman,"  in  this  age,  is  re 
garded  somewhat  as  a  curiosity  by  many 
individuals,  who,  no  doubt,  hail  with  delight 
the  opportunity  to  behold  something  new,  or 
to  mark  the  inhuman  creature  who  positively 
refused  the  admittance  of  small  children  into 
his  sanctum  sanctorum. 

On  responding  to  the  many  "  Please  calls  " 
received  by  me,  I  became  aware  that  I  had 
mortally  offended  a  great  many  married 
women,  especially  the  younger  portion  of  the 
fair  sex,  the  latter  of  whom,  with  but  one  ex 
ception,  I  had  the  misfortune  only  to  displease. 
11 


She  partially  coincided  in  the  sentiment  so 
feelingly  entertained  —  if  not  so  elegantly 
expressed.  The  others,  however,  all  seemed 
to  doubt  my  being  in  earnest  when  I  permed 
the  advertisement,  and  in  fact,  questioned  me 
in  regard  to  it. 

Aside  from  these  objections,  however,  I 
received  encouragement  from  several  "  pro 
prietors  "  on  whom  I  called,  who  seemed  to 
regard  my  views  as  correct,  in  the  main. 

Inspired  by  this  success,  in  an  interview 
with  a  "  proprietress "  I  ventured  to  add 
another  topic  to  my  original  subject,  and, 
hoping  to  impart  a  moral  lesson,  expatiated 
at  some  length,  upon  the  rearing  of  youth 
within  the  city  limits. 

To  my  utter  astonishment,  I  was  soon  met 
with  the  searching  rebuke,  couched  in  the 
somewhat  direct  interrogatory,  "Were  you 
not  once  young  yourself?  "  I  could  not  say 
much  as  to  the  facts  in  this  case,  but  from 
certain  painful  recollections  I  think  I  must 
have  been. 

In  my  perambulations  since  Monday,  I  have 
been  exceedingly  mortified  at  times  ;  seeking 
for  quietude  and  comfort,  I  have  encountered, 


13 

in  their  stead,  scarcely  any  thing  but  painful 
difficulties. 

In  this  narrative  I  shall  forbear  mentioning 
names  or  localities,  from  a  strict  sense  of 
honor ;  nevertheless,  I  earnestly  warn  all 
mankind,  especially  "  single  gentlemen  "  with 
less  experience  than  myself,  against  commu 
nicating  any  thing  verbal,  derogatory  to  the 
feline  race,  in  the  presence  of  maiden  ladies. 
I  consider  it  my  duty  to  caution  them  against 
another  error,  which  is  as  bad,  if  not  worse. 
If,  like  myself,  any  of  them  should  have  the 
hardihood  to  announce  their  aversion  towards 
the  genus  Felis,  in  a  printed  paragraph,  let 
them  never  afterwards  respond  in  person  to 
an  elderly  unmarried  lady's  "  please  call," 

I  honor  this  secluded  class  of  individuals. 
They  have  displayed  good  sense  in  attending 
to  their  own  affairs,  and  not  meddling  with 
other  people's  business ;  they  have  ample 
time  for  reflection,  meditation  and  reading ; 
thus  keeping  matters  in  excellent  trim,,  they 
are  enabled  to  conduct  their  own  transactions 
on  a  small  capital.  They  are,  however,  ex 
tremely  sensitive  on  certain  points ;  yet,  in 
respect  to  the  annoyance  caused  by  small 


14 

children,  not  a  single  objection,  on  their  part, 
was  offered  to  the  views  so  feelingly  set 
forth  in  my  advertisement ;  on  the  contrary, 
they  concurred  most  fully. 

It  is  perfectly  astonishing  to  note  the 
extensive  circulation  given  to  my  wishes, 
through  the  medium  of  a  single  advertise 
ment.  A  newspaper  certainly  reaches  all 
classes,  judging  from  the  numerous  replies 
forwarded  to  me  pertaining  to  a  matter  of  so 
humble,  though  vital  a  nature. 

The  following,  being  but  a  few  specimens 
of  letters  addressed  to  me,  will  doubtless  sat 
isfy  the  reader  that  my  assertion  is  well 
founded :  — 

"  MISTER  LOK  BOX  number  — . 

Ser  if  yu  wish  rums  i  hav  urn  kal  &  se  kats 
i  abhor  &  childen  two  i  keep  no  help  of  coarse 
no  boddy  wil  put  wud  into  yur  piannar  yu  kan 
chews  yur  own  cumperney  &  du  putty  mutch 
az  yu  pleze  pleze  kal  afectionatley  „ 

"  DEAR  LOCK  BOX,  No.  —  Boston  Post  Office, 

I  feel  prowed  that  the  city  of  Boston  pos 
sesses  one  fearless  spirit,  that  dares  to  exem- 
plyfy  his  independence  in  the  manner  you 


15 

have  done.  The  advertisement,  upon  which 
my  eyes  fall,  is  a  moddle  of  beauty  arid  of  the 
structure  of  our  English  language.  Few  words 
contain  such  sentiments  and  few  sentiments 
so  much  meaning.  I  would  that  we  had  such 
men  connected  with  our  city  government  (I 
once  held  office),  for  you  evidently  know 
what  is  right.  Suckerlate  the  advertisement 
all  you  can,  and  send  me  fifty  copies  for 
gratuatus  distribution.  I  only  wish  I  had 
room  in  my  house  for  you.  My  wife  says, 
she'd  like  the  piano  in  our  parlour. 

Yours  truly, ." 

LOCK  BOX  number  — ,  Boston  Post  Office. 

MY  DEAR  SIR  :  —  As  usual,  the  Sunday 

having  been  left  at  my  residence  (subscribed 
for  by  my  parishioners),  I  opened  it  in  order 
to  refresh  my  mind  in  the  perusal  of  the  ex 
cellent  sermon  therein  contained ;  accident 
ally,  in  running  over  the  several  columns, 
seeking  the  list  of  marriages  and  deaths,  I 
discovered  your  advertisement,  and  at  once 
called  the  attention  of  my  wife,  and  several 
of  her  family  connections  (who  have  long 
made  my  dwelling  their  abiding  place),  to 
the  truth  so  beautifully  illustrated. 


16 

» 

Like  myself,  you  have  a  great  duty  to  per 
form.  I  am  annoyed  by  a  drowsy,  listless  con 
gregation,  bad  music,  and  scanty  remunera 
tion  for  my  ever  devoted  labors  :  yet,  as  it  has 
often  been  said  to  me,  I  would  now  reiterate 
the  words,  and  bid  you  "  Go  on ;  "  "  Press 
forward  ;  "  "  Be  comforted  ;  "  "  Full  of  hope." 

Were  it  not  for  a  large  family  of  eleven 
children,  who,  with  so  many  dear  family 
friends,  occupy  a  small  house,  and  necessarily 
fill  every  room,  I  should  offer  you  hospitalities 
beneath  my  own  roof. 

My  children  are  not  what  would  be  termed 
noisy,  the  more  advanced  being  playful. 
Youth  and  life  will  manifest  itself  in  various 
forms.  The  younger  portion  are  occasionally 
irritable ;  the  kind  assistance,  however,  of 
friends  present,  tends  to  quiet  their  minds, 
and  restore  peace  to  their  sorrowful  hearts.  v 

Would  I  could  offer  you  an  asylum ;  one, 
who  so  keenly  feels  another's  woes,  must 
possess  large  and  generous  impulses,  and 
would  surely  become  attached  to  every  mem 
ber  of  my  devoted  household. 
Affectionately  yours, 

S A ,  D.D., 

Pastor  of  the  Lethargic  Chapel. 


17 

Having  moved  twice  during  the  past  week, 
I  propose  giving  in  my  next,  an  account  of 
my  perplexities  and  many  sorrows.  I  have  in 
variably  accustomed  myself  when  "  moving," 
to  take  with  me  a  single  cot-bed,  and  to  do 
this,  at  a  late  hour  in  the  afternoon,  waiting 
the  ordinary  course  of  events,  preparatory  to 
a  "  general  breaking-up."  A  single  night 
thus  passed,  will  reveal  in  part,  what  must 
be  expected  in  the  future.  Steam  and  horse 
cars,  crying  inmates,  the  rumbling  of  ice-carts, 
stages  and  market-wagons,  the  sound  of  vari 
ous  bells,  and  their  close  proximity  to  one's 
quarters,  are  objects  of  deep  solicitude  to  the 
new  "boarder".  The  quantity  of  gas  one  is 
permitted  to  burn,  the  hour  at  which  a  "  single 
gentleman  "  is  expected  to  enter  his  domicile, 
and  how  long  he  is  allowed  to  sit  up,  are  all 
interesting  topics  for  meditation.  The  state 
of  the  furnace,  and  the  condition  of  the  range, 
can  be  fairly  tested  in  these  brief  but  anxious 
moments. 

I  have  found  it  convenient  to  ascertain,  if 
possible,  who  are  the  occupants  of  "  rooms 
overhead,"  particularly  if  carpets  are  dis 
pensed  with  (an  economical  idea  where  one 
2 


18 

can  afford  it),  and  how  many  boarders  may 
be  accommodated  at  a  time,  in  a  room  "  six 
by  nine."  Early  rising  I  approve  of;  I  al 
ways  did  ;  no  doubt  it  is  conducive  to  general 
prosperity ;  if  this  movement  however  takes 
place  at  a  great  altitude,  I  recommend  that 
boots  be  left  at  the  foot  of  the  first  flight, 
otherwise  occupants  should  have  rooms  where 
little  time  will  be  lost  in  reaching  the  front 
door. 

Of  late,  I  have  been  invited  to  pass  my  first 
evening  "  with  the  family  ;  "  and  this  mark  of 
attention  is  the  more  striking,  since  the  re 
spect  has  been  proffered  only  within  the  past 
few  days.  In  two  instances,  I  have  accepted 
the  polite  invitation,  partially  to  demonstrate 
to  the  ladies  that  I  am  not  so  exclusive  as  my 
advertisement  would  indicate.  I  regretted 
on  both  occasions,  finding  a  larger  number 
present  than  was  anticipated ;  suggestive  in 
fact,  of  a  surprise  party,  without  any  of  the 
advantages  attached  ;  and  in  both  instances  I 
found  I  was  the  recipient  of  personal  atten 
tion,  or  marked  inattention.  At  our  last 
"family  gathering,"  I  ventured  to  make  a 
few  inquiries  touching  the  number  of  persons 


19 


belonging  to  the  same,  and  on  being  assured 
that  all  present  sprang  from  one  stock,  I 
could  not  divest  my  mind  of  the  probability 
that  it  must  have  extended  as  far  back  as 
Adam.  I  am  not  disposed  to  question  this 
point  too  closely,  as  it  is  difficult,  sometimes, 
to  trace  one's  genealogy  with  the  greatest 
accuracy.  I  am  indebted  to  many  persons, 
for  various  marks  of  attention  during  the  week 
past ;  but  I  regret  the  necessity  which  im 
pelled  me  to  leave  rny  last  boarding-house  in 
such  an  unceremonious  manner.  However, 
the  bursting  of  a  water-pipe,  directly  over 
my  head,  was  good  and  sufficient  reason  for 
my  sudden  exit  at  a  very  early  hour. 

I  do  not  know  that  I  ever  before  felt  the 
full  flow  and  meaning  of  these  words,  "  for  one 
night  only."  Grasping  my  bed,  I  hastened 
to  the  door,  and  wending  my  way  to  my 
office,  remained  sitting  until  daylight. 

As  temporal  blessings  are  so  fleeting,  I 
prefer  to  supply  my  own  tears  on  such  occa 
sions. 


I  have  invariably  accustomed  myself  when  "moving"  to  take  with  me  a 
single  cot-bed.  —  PAGE  17. 


II. 


/CONTINUING  to  receive  letters  of  invi- 
^.J  tation  to  call  at  the  most  respectable 
houses,  "  where  one  will  find  all  the  comforts 
of  a  home,"  I  have  not  yet  suspended  experi 
mental  labor,  being  dissatisfied  with  the  few 
places  so  far  visited. 

True,  I  have  experienced  a  good  deal  of 
what  is  called  "  Feast  of  Reason,"  without  the 
reasonable  feast.  To  breakfast  daily  on  this 
commodity,  is  to  experience  a  remarkably 
cheap  diet.  The  ordinary  duties  I  have  to 
perform,  require  more  stimulating  food  than 
that  coming  within  the  true  meaning  of  the 
words,  "  Vanity  Fare."  A.  large  display  of 
table  linen,  cut-glass  goblets  and  empty  dishes, 
may  be  fashionable,  but  these  will  never  ac 
complish  the  great  design  which  nature  evi 
dently  intended  in  my  particular  case. 

At  the  especial  invitation  of  a  female  friend 

in  whom  I  have  ever  placed  great  confidence, 
21 


22 

and  who  knew  the  many  trials  to  which  I  had 
been  subjected,  I  accepted  a  proposal  to  oc 
cupy  rooms  in  a  "First-class  Boarding  House." 

Deviating  in  this  instance  from  my  invaria 
ble  custom  of  transferring  my  only  article  of 
furniture,  —  for  a  night's  trial,  —  I  at  once 
moved  my  entire  effects  where,  I  was  pleased 
to  learn,  every  attention  should  be  paid  my 
wants,  by  simply  touching  the  bell  cord. 

It  had  been  arranged  that  I  could  enjoy  the 
"English  style"  of  living,  if  I  so  desired,  or, 
if  I  preferred  it,  could  breakfast  with  the 
"family." 

My  parlor,  sleeping  apartment  and  library, 
now  being  in  comfortable  condition,  I  felt 
happy  in  the  thought  of  a  full  realization  of 
my  expectations. 

The  first  evening,  by  invitation,  I  passed 
with  the  "family."  Naturally  exclusive,  I 
considered  this  a  mark  of  attention,  under 
existing  circumstances,  and  in  view  of  the 
advertisement  so  lately  issued,  I  was  glad 
to  have  an  opportunity  of  thus  removing  any 
false  impressions  that  might  have  been  re- 
ceived. 

As  on  former  occasions,  I  found  the  "  fam- 


23 

ily"  quite  large,  and  comprising  in  this  in 
stance,  a  mixed  assembly. 

We  can  not  always  trace  our  own  genealogy: 
therefore  the  virtue  of  Charity  inspired  my 
footsteps,  and  led  me  to  move  about  more 
freely  than  my  wonted  modesty  usually  al 
lowed. 

Youth  and  beauty  did  not  abound :  I 
thought  perhaps,  indisposition  prompted  the 
seclusion  of  those  possessing  these  qualities, 
and  freely  overlooked  any  want  of  cordiality 
on  their  part  evinced  by  their  non  appear 
ance. 

I  left  the  door  of  my  apartment  open  during 
my  absence,  in  hopes  of  discovering  tracks  of 
the  feline  race,  if  any  were  lurking  about.  I 
returned  to  my  rooms  at  a  late  hour,  occupying 
a  few  moments  before  retiring,  in  the  perusal 
of  the  story  of  the  "  Prodigal  Son." 

The  first  night  was  passed  without  dis 
turbance,  except  that  of  some  one  constantly 
moving  about  li  in  the  room  overhead."  This 
I  soon  learned  was  an  afflicting  case  of  som 
nambulism,  often  resulting  in  the  secretion  of 
various  articles  ;  on  one  occasion  this  indi 
vidual  would  have  lost  his  own  identity, 


24 

except  for  the  kind  offers  of  one  largely 
interested ;  otherwise  he  would  have  found 
himself  called  by  some  other  appellation  than 
his  own. 

I  awoke,  however,  after  my  first  night's 
trial,  feeling  refreshed,  and  exceedingly  grate 
ful  for  the  deliverance  seemingly  placed  within 
my  grasp.  The  servant  had  unintentionally 
forgotten  to  kindle  my  fire,  but  I  freely  for 
gave  this  oversight  of  cordiality  on  the  part 
of  the  "  family." 

Throwing  a  cloak  over  my  shoulders,  I 
read  a  brief  passage  containing  the  sufferings 
of  Solomon,  and  could  not  but  sympathize 
«most  deeply  in  all  his  afflictions.  I  dwelt  on 
the  frequent  bereavements  he  must  have  met 
with,  owing  to  the  peculiar  circumstances  of 
his  case,  the  number  of  deaths  constantly 
taking  place  in  his  family,  and  conjectured  as 
to  whether  he  ever  left  off  mourning. 

Having  arranged  to  breakfast  with  the 
"family,"  at  the  servant's  beckon  I  majesti 
cally  approached  the  room.  Beside  several 
young  ladies,  to  whose  company  I  could  not 
reasonably  object,  I  discovered  to  my  horror, 
children  of  all  ages.  A  chair  was  shown  me, 


25 

which  placed  me  in  close  proximity  to  a  snarl 
ing,  shrinking,  homely  creature,  five  or  six 
years  of  age,  who  immediately  grasped  my 
goblet,  and  drawing  it  to  the  front,  amused 
herself,  first,  by  dipping  her  fingers,  and 
snapping  the  contents  on  either  side,  then 
thrusting  her  entire  hand  into  the  same. 

Feeling  somewhat  subdued  by  this  unlocked 
for  annoyance,  I  inquired  in  tones  —  most 
feelingly  expressed,  —  "  Unto  whom  do  all 
these  things  belong  ? "  Whereupon,  a  gen 
eral  uprising  took  place,  and  I  noticed  "  all 
these  things  "  followed  after. 

A  gentleman  sitting  opposite  and  perceiv 
ing  the  unfortunate  position  I  sustained, 
answered  my  interrogatory  in  a  doubtful 
manner ;  whereupon,  thinking  I  could  take 
my  choice,  I  did  so. 

Breakfast  ended,  I  considered  it  prudent  to 
fortify  my  situation,  and  at  once  commenced 
inquiring  into  the  matter.  I  soon  learned 
that  my  amiable  land-lady  had  connected  the 
two  adjoining  dwellings  by  a  door-way,  lead 
ing  from  the  second  floor,  and  that  while  the 
younger  portion  of  the  married  ladies  occu 
pied  one  building,  most  of  the  single  gentle- 


26 

men  had  exclusive  control  of  the  opposite 
side,  and  the  sober  and  more  reliable  portion 
of  the  inmates,  —  of  whom  I  was  considered  a 
member— occupied  the  center  edifice. 

This  division  allowed  me  some  consolation, 
as  I  should  not  be  molested  by  constant  out 
bursts  of  fitful  temper,  often  displayed  by 
those,  who,  when  they  are  older,  will  no  doubt 
know  better ;  but  I  can  not  wait  for  "  all  these 
things  "  to  be  developed. 

My  land-lady,  quite  early  in  the  day,  re 
minded  me,  rather  sharply,  I  thought,  of  the 
remark  I  had  made  at  the  breakfast  table,  and 
intimated  that  it  would  be  well  to  say  some 
thing  conciliatory  on  the  following  morning^ 
to  pacify  the  unfriendly  feeling  rapidly  in 
creasing  against  me  :  I  concurred  most  fully 
with  her  advice. 

The  evening  of  this  eventful  day  was  to  be 
celebrated  by  an  instrumental,  as  well  as 
vocal  concert,  given  by  several  philanthropic 
individuals  residing  on  the  premises,  whose 
duty  it  was  ever  to  be  active  about  some 
thing,  and  who  naturally  supposed  the  world 
would  stand  still,  without  their  aid.  The 
inmates  were  to  assemble  in  the  parlor,  and 


27 

there  be  regaled  with  the  sweet  music,  which 
no  doubt  would  be  furnished  on  the  occasion. 
Therefore,  leaving  my  door  open  as  a  neces 
sary  precaution,  at  a  proper  hour  I  descended 
to  the  parlor,  where  I  was  received  with  due 
consideration,  and  conducted  to  a  conspicu 
ous  seat.  I  noticed  on  a  casual  survey,  that 
the  furniture  was  remarkably  varied  in  form 
and  color ;  recalling  to  mind  the  fashion, 
adopted  by  some,  of  driving  different  colored 
horses,  and  presuming  the  land-lady  knew 
best,  had  adopted  the  same  fashion,  not  as 
regards  horses,  but  in  her  furniture.  I  rather 
admired  the  style.  In  fact,  I  took  the  liberty 
to  comment  rather  freely  on  the  good  taste 
displayed,  and  wondered  how  such  a  selection 
could  readily  be  obtained ;  I  commenced  ad 
dressing  my  conversation  to  the  land-lady 
herself,  whom  I  was  about  congratulating, 
when  turning  suddenly,  she  left  the  room  as 
if  something  had  been  forgotten,  thus  obli 
ging  me  to  defer  my  comments  to  a  more  con 
venient  time.  I  noticed  also  that  those  around 
me  constantly  used  their  handkerchiefs,  and 
for  some  reason,  several  did  nothing  else  dur 
ing  my  entire  stay.  I  remembered  it  was 


28 


winter,  and  that  influenza  was  quite  prev 
alent,  but  could  not  comprehend  how  so 
many  at  the  same  time,  —  all  of  whom  resided 
in  one  house,  could  have  been  so  seriously 
afflicted. 

I  was  about  mentioning  this  coincidence  to 
my  amiable  land-lady,  who  had  returned,  with 
no  visible  object  in  her  hand,  but  who  per 
ceiving  me  approaching  —  and  thus  remind 
ed,  no  doubt,  by  my  presence,  of  what  she 
had  forgotten  on  the  former  occasion,  —  imme 
diately  turned,  and  went  after  it. 

A  few  moments  only  elapsed,  before  the 
instrumental  portion  of  the  concert  were  in 
position.  Thereupon,  one,  older  than  the 
rest,  announced,  that  "  sacred  music  would 
now  be  performed  ; "  adding,  "  the  rules  of 
the  house  is  well  known  to  most  on  us,  and  for 
the  information  of  all  new  comers  I  Mrould 
say,  —  no  profane  music  will  ever  be  allowed 
in  the  building  ;  I  think,"  said  he,  "  profanity 
one  of  the  worst  of  evils." 

The  most  attractive  person  bearing  a  part 
of  the  instrumental  display,  was  a  lean,  lank, 
gaunt-appearing  man,  upon  whose  hips  hung 
a  snare-drum,  suspended  from  a  broad,  dirty 


29 

leathern  strap,  crossing  his  breast.  Next  fol 
lowed  a  short,  fat  man,  who  could  scarcely 
reach  the  thumb-screws  of  a  huge  bass-viol, 
which  he  firmly  clasped  around  the  center  as 
he  entered  the  room,  completely  shutting  out 
any  merit  to  importance  on  his  part.  Sur 
rounding  these  dignitaries,  stood  others  who 
could  not  catch  the  sound  of  their  instru 
ments, —  which  were  undergoing  a  process 
of  tuning,  on  account  of  the  zealous  efforts  of 
those  who  were  making  a  greater  noise. 

The  long-roll  from  the  snare-drum  was  per 
fectly  overpowering  ;  still,  I  supposed  it  must 
be  right,  as  my  amiable  land-lady  evidently 
understood  all  about  it. 

I  confess  I  was  rapidly  becoming  polite, 
particularly  when  I  noticed  a  monstrous  bass- 
drum  enter  the  room,  completely  eclipsing  all 
but  its  own  legs. 

Our  ears  having  suffered  for  the  past  ten 
minutes  by  these  preparatory  measures,  quiet 
at  length  reigned ;  and  for  a  few  moments, 
one  could  have  heard  a  pin  drop,  had  the  pin 
been  large  enough. 

Waiting  in  anticipation,  —  from  the  grand 
preparation  that  had  been  going  on,  of  the 


30 

announcement  of  the  "  Dead-March,"  the 
"  Judgment,"  or  perhaps  a  Requiem,  my 
anxieties  were  soon  appeased,  by  being  in 
formed,  that  the  choir,  accompanied  by  the 
full  band,  would  execute  "  Come  ye  disconso 
late." 

No  immediate  steps  being  taken  for  a  ful 
fillment  of  this  promise,  and  deeming  the 
words  adapted  to  my  own  necessities,  I  arose 
majestically  from  my  chair,  —  and  glancing 
over  the  afflicted  throng,  said,  —  in  accents 
feelingly  expressed,  "  I  second  the  motion  ; " 
whereupon  a  general  turning  around  of  all 
present  took  place,  and  facing  the  sides  of 
the  room,  they  reminded  me  of  the  nature 
of  the  occasion,  and  the  probable  neglect  of 
duty  on  my  part,  thereupon  I  immediately 
turned  also. 

As  no  exhortation  took  place,  there  was 
something  in  this  entire  movement,  which 
I  did  not  comprehend,  and  indeed,  never 
yet  have  fully  understood ;  a  great  deal  of 
whispering  then  took  place,  succeeded  by 
terrible  coughing  spells,  and  I  thought  sev 
eral  wept,  from  the  appearance  of  their  eyes. 
As  the  influenza  was  prevalent,  particularly 


31 

in  the  house,  I  concluded  that  it  naturally 
explained  the  last  mentioned  exhibition  of 
emotion. 

The  whispering,  I  thought  might  have  been 
in  opposition  to  my  motion,  though  all  I 
uttered  was  spoken  with  the  falling  inflec 
tion,  and  in  a  most  feeling  manner. 

The  first  verse  of  the  consoling  hymn  con 
cluded,  I  at  once  discovered  the  utility  and 
great  effect  of  the  snare-drum  ;  and,  in  short, 
it  was  brought  in  play  with  full  force  between 
each  succeeding  verse.  The  duration  of  this 
part  of  the  performance,  appeared  strangely 
prolonged,  and  of  unnecessary  power ;  but, 
thinking  the  land-lady  knew  best,  I  listened 
until  my  nerves  became  so  affected  by  it,  that 
I  have  heard  nothing  in  my  ears  ever  since, 
but  the  "  long-roll,"  beaten  by  that  long  man. 

Turning  to  a  stranger  who  sat  at  my  right 
I  inquired,  if  she  could  tell  me  the  names 
of  the  various  instruments  in  the  hands  of 
the  performers  ;  "  The  gentleman  "  she  said, 
"  standing  next  to  the  one  playing  the  big 
bass-drum,  is  my  husband ;  he  performs  on 
the  clarionet ;  my  son,  standing  next,  plays 
the  flageonet,  and  my  uncle  is  the  one  hold- 


32 

ing  the  baronet  under  his  arm ; "  adding, 
"  she  couldn't  see  much  difference,  as  they  all 
made  considerable  noise."  In  this  last  re 
mark  I  concurred  most  fully. 

"  Who  plays  the  big  fiddle,  ma'am  ?  "  I 
asked.  Here  a  coughing  spell  intervened, 
and  I  waited  long  enough,  to  learn  that  what 
I  had  called  a  big  fiddle,  was  more  properly 
termed  a  sub-bass-viol,  by  the  inmates  ;  the 
performer,  however,  "  not  having  been  called 
upon,"  his  name  could  not  be  ascertained. 

"  Are  you  frequently  entertained  in  this 
manner  ?  "  I  next  inquired. 

"  This,  sir,  is  the  first  week  of  the  enter 
tainment,"  she  remarked,  "  and  though  it's  a 
sort  of  an  impromptu  affair,  it's  proposed  to 
meet  three  times  a  week." 

Our  amiable  land-lady,  who  had  returned, 
and   must   have  been  standing  in  the  room 
some    moments,   unnoticed   on   my   part,  an 
nounced,  "  '  Swinging  round  the  circle  ',  hav 
ing  been  set  to  sacred  music,  will  now 
performed,  as  a  solo."     This  was  execut 
the  little  man  in  gray  pants,  discovered 
ing  behind  the  "  big  bass-drum."     Suiting  : 
actions  to  the  words,  with  his  drum  he  co. 


his  actions  to  the  words,  with  his  drum  he  commenced 

revolving  around  the  room. —  1'AUK  :t'2. 


33 

menced  revolving  around  the  room,  beating, 
as  if  the  wind  must  be  completely  knocked 
out  of  both  ;  our  performer  acquitted  himself 
worthy  of  the  man.  I  did  not  think  much  of 
his  accomplishment ;  the  music  was  boister 
ous,  his  manners  were  coarse,  and  his  voice 
in  shocking  discord  with  the  instrument ; 
neither  did  he  receive  much  encouragement, 
except  from  his  wife,  a  sister  of  our  land-lady, 
who  on  this  occasion  was  the  only  one  to 
encore.  He  would  not  be  urged  to  make  a 
second  effort,  in  my  opinion :  broken  glass 
lay  beneath  our  feet,  which  he  had  struck 
from  the  chandelier  ;  one  drum-stick  had  been 
lost  in  the  effort,  while  half  a  dozen  ladies 
had  been  swept  out  of  sight ;  thus  ended  the 
scene  of  his  grand  exploit. 

The  band  regaining  their  former  position, 
we  were  informed  by  a  relative  of  the  com 
piler,  (who,  as  I  then  learned  was  confined 
to  his  room  by  a  severe  attack  of  varioloid) 
that,  "  Angels  are  hovering  round,"  with  vari 
ations,  would  now  be  performed. 

Turning  to  my  informant,  I  asked  if  this 
disease  (the  varioloid)  was  prevalent ;  he 
answered  it  had  been,  quite  so ;  several  had 

3 


34 

died,  but  that  it  was  not  raging  in  the  center 
edifice. 

Suddenly  feeling  as  if  I  could  not  longer 
appreciate  the  entertainment,  and  moreover 
not  possessing  an  ear  for  "  variations,"  I 
majestically  bowed  myself  out  of  the  room. 

Reaching  my  apartments,  and  stretching 
out  my  hand  to  seize  the  bell-cord,  but  find 
ing  nothing  pendant,  I  substituted  in  its  place, 
a  black  neck-tie,  intending  to  summon,  as  I 
supposed  was  according  to  rule,  a  servant  to 
my  room.  Perceiving  my  call  unheeded,  I 
commenced  pulling,  and  continued  thus,  until 
discovered  by  an  inmate,  sitting  beneath  the 
object  of  my  labors  ;  at  once  he  informed  me 
that  a  great  deal  of  sickness  existed  in  the 
family,  rendering  it  necessary  that  the  bells 
should  be  muffled  ;  conveying  me  to  a  dark 
passage-way,  bounding  one  side  of  my  sleep 
ing  apartment,  to  my  utter  disgust  with  all 
things  human  and  inhuman,  he  showed  me, 
wrapped  in  red  flannel,  five  and  twenty  bells, 
each  sufficiently  large  to  answer  the  purpose 
of  an  ordinary  restaurant. 

Without  a  moment's  loss  of  time,  I  called 
for  the  land-lady ;  to  her  I  could  confide  my 


35 

troubles,  as  she  knew  what  was  best.  On 
responding  to  my  summons,  I  took  her  gently 
by  the  hand  and  leading  her  to  the  passage 
way,  I  pointed  my  finger  to  the  row  of  dis 
guised  afflictions,  and  asked,  —  in  a  feeling 
manner,  — "  Unto  whom  do  all  these  things 
belong  ?  "  "  These  things,  sir,  belong  to  the 
house,  sir ;  and  allow  me  to  say,  sir,  you  are 
no  gentleman  :  your  conduct  is  disrespectful ; 
your  remarks  made  at  my  table  this  morning, 
cannot  be  overlooked ;  the  same  impertinent 
question  then  asked,  you  dare  now  ask  me. 
You  know  I  am  engaged  with  company  be 
low  ;  you  know,  perfectly  well,  that  we  have 
sick  folks  in  this  house,  and  all  I  have  to  say, 
sir,  is,  your  actions  is  contemptible.  Leave 
my  house  !  Is  all  the  folks  in  this  building 
to  be  inconvenienced  to  please  you  ?  No, 
sir !  Leave  as  soon  as  you  please ;  and  I 
wantf^you  to  understand  another  thing,  I  don't 
keep  what  you  call  boarders ;  folks  living  in 
this  house  belong  to  my  family  ;  I  should  like 
to  know  what  sort  of  a  bringing  up  you've 
had  ;  I'll  let  you  know  another  thing  too  ;  I've 
kept  house  long  afore  I  ever  see  you." 

I  let  go  of  my  amiable   land-lady's  hand 


36 

sometime  "  afore  "  this  speech  was  ended  : 
retaining  it  only  so  long  as  to  show  proper 
respect. 

If  any  of  my  readers  have  been  in  close 
proximity  to  a  boinb-shell,  and  watched  the 
peculiar  changes  going  on  during  an  explo 
sion,  they  can  appreciate  my  idea  of  a  sudden 
change  of  expectations,  and  realize  the  un 
certainty  of  all  temporal  blessings. 

Naturally,  I  am  easily  disturbed,  owing  to 
an  error  in  early  life.  When  I  was  born, 
there  were  two  of  us  ;  each  possessing  pecu 
liar  temperaments.  At  the  age  of  one  year, 
from  my  excessive  gentleness,  and  from  the 
fear  that' I  might  be  effeminate  in  my  charac 
ter,  it  was  decided  I  should  be  nourished  on 
syrup  and  gun-powder:  this  course  of  diet 
continued  until  I  had  reached  the  age  of  six, 
when  our  family  physician,  thinking  my  char 
acter  in  the  respect  of  non-effeminacy)  suf 
ficiently  established,  ordered  a  change ;  ac 
cordingly  the  nurse  gave  me  gun-powder  and 
syrup.  I  never  perceived  much  difference 
in  the  taste,  but  remember  hearing  the  land 
lady  say,  it  was  all  right,  and  that  she  knew 
what  was  best.  Therefore  if  at  times,  I  find 


the  gun-powder  within  me  concentrating,  I 
cannot  be  responsible  for  the  result. 

"  Afflictions  seldom  come  singly  ;  "  I  sought 
the  consolation  of  my  female  friend  through 
whose  influence  I  had  been  induced  to  seek 
this  place,  "  possessing  all  the  comforts  of 
a  home."  She  discouraged  my  remaining 
longer  in  the  house,  and  refused  having  any 
thing  to  do  in  the  matter ;  said,  she  had 
always  been  mixed  up  in  boarding-house  dif 
ficulties,  and  should  keep  out  of  this  one. 

I  returned,  disconsolately,  to  my  room  ;  re 
read  the  story  of  the  "  Prodigal  Son,"  after 
which  I  commenced  packing  for  another  re 
moval. 


I  returned  disconsolate  to  my  room  ;  re-read  the  story  of  the  "  Prodigal 
Son."  —  PAGE  37. 


III. 


ON  the  morning  of  the  following  day,  I 
hastened  to  leave  the  society  of  my 
land-lady,  whom  I  now  found  disposed  to 
make  my  situation  as  uncomfortable  as  possi 
ble,  in  every  way. 

She  had  positively  forbidden  the  servants 
to  carry  coals  or  water  to  my  room,  and  ad 
monished  the  table-help  to  pay  no  attention 
to  my  wants,  should  I  occupy  my  former 
seat. 

Obtaining  a  supply  of  coals,  and  a  few 
kindlings,  from  a  neighboring  sufferer,  I  con 
tinued  to  keep  comfortable,  until  the  labor  of 
packing  had  been  accomplished.  Then,  pre 
senting  a  servant  with  more  than  sufficient  to 
meet  the  amount  of  my  indebtedness,  I  re 
quested  her  to  hand  it  to  the  land-lady,  and 
return  me  the  difference,  as  I  was  about  leav 
ing  the  house. 

39 


40 

Meeting  several  of  the  inmates,  as  I  made 
my  way  out,  I  majestically  bowed,  although 
their  attention  appeared  suddenly  called  in  an 
opposite  direction.  A  few,  however,  recog 
nized  the  honor  conferred.  At  the  door,  I 
waited  the  appearance  of  the  servant,  who 
soon  returned  and  informed  me,  she  had  done 
my  bidding  ;  but  that  her  mistress,  having  an 
engagement  at  a  neighboring  grocer's,  had 
been  called  away,  leaving  word  that  if  I  would 
await  her  return,  she  would  hand  me  the 
difference.  This  "  difference  "  has  existed 
until  the  present  time ;  and  though  small, 
merits  an  explanation. 

It  puzzles  me,  to  learn  how  my  late  land 
lady  left  the  house,  and  merged  into  the 
street,  as  I  had  complete  command  of  both 
entrances,  and  though  charitable  in  my  dis 
position,  I  think  she  must  have  been  mistaken 
in  regard  to  her  own  absence. 

As  I  was  about  shaking  hands  with  the 
help,  who  had  arranged  themselves  in  a  single 
row  around  the  vestibule,  I  was  informed  of 
the  custom  of  "  remembering  "  the  same.  I 
feelingly  expressed  my  sentiments,  remark 
ing,  I  could  never  forget  them ;  and  re- 


41 

quested  each,  in  his,  or  her  own  vernacular, 
to  convey  my  views  to  the  land-lady,  imme 
diately  on  her  return.  The  influenza  had 
reached  a  portion  of  those  whom  I  addressed, 
who,  for  want  of  handkerchiefs,  freely  used 
their  aprons.  I  sympathized  with  this  people, 
and  stepping  upon  the  threshold,  I  perceived 
a  number  of  the  foreign  element  about,  to 
whom  I  addressed  a  few  words  in  French, 
thanked  them  in  Dutch,  and  bade  them  adieu 
in  Greek ;  the  latter  language  they  appeared 
fully  to  comprehend. 

My  furniture  again  stored,  I  commenced 
anew  reading  over  my  invitations,  when  a 
note  was  placed  in  my  hands  ;  breaking  the 
seal,  I  read  as  follows  :  — 

"  TIMOTHY  THISTLE  ESQ., 

MY  DEAR  SIR: — Having  been  informed  of 

your  departure  from  Mrs. ,  and  feeling 

that  there  could  now  be  no  intrusion  on  my 
part,  in  thus  addressing  you,  I  hasten  to  an 
nounce  the  certainty  of  obtaining  elegant  ac 
commodations,  where  all  the  comforts  of  a 
home  may  be  enjoyed. 

I  regret  the  necessity  that  compelled  your 


42 

vacating  the  apartments  referred  to,  but  could 
perceive  no  other  alternative  on  your  part. 

I  am  advised  of  your  gentlemanly  deport 
ment,  which,  displayed  on  other  occasions, 
would  not  have  been  misinterpreted.  Our 
family,  though  somewhat  large,  is  exceed 
ingly  literary  in  its  tendency ;  and  a  person 
of  your  culture  and  refinement,  will,  no  doubt, 
early  embrace  an  opportunity  affording  cir 
cumstances  so  congenial  to  your  taste. 

Awaiting  your  reply,  or,  if  convenient,  a 
personal  interview,  I  remain,  with  profound 
respect  and  esteem, 

Your  obdt.  servant, 

Miss  MATILDA  ROUSINDASH, 

Per  C.  C.  C.  — A.M." 

I  read,  and  re-read  the  pressing  invitation : 
she  must  have  heard  of  my  late  misfortune, 
thought  I,  through  a  boarder,  who,  appreciat 
ing  real  worth,  no  doubt  has  proposed  my 
name  as  a  suitable  candidate  for  admission. 

I  immediately  resolved  to  respond  to  this 
courteous  invitation,  but  preparatory  to  so 
doing,  I  fully  concluded  to  learn  something 
of  the  character  of  the  inmates,  composing 
the  family. 


43 

Sadly  disappointed  in  my  late  change,  and 
now  comfortably  located  at  a  respectable 
hotel,  I  deemed  it  prudent  to  move  with  a 
good  degree  of  caution.  The  expense  of 
the  style  of  living  I  then  enjoyed,  I  well 
knew  exceeded  my  income ;  retrenchment 
was  necessary,  and  must  early  be  resorted  to, 
and  perhaps,  thought  I,  Miss  Rousindash's 
is  the  very  place  I  have  long  been  seeking ; 
the  letter  certainly  conveys  encouragement, 
and  an  effort  must  be  made. 

Stationing  myself  the  following  morning  on 
a  neighboring  door-step,  at  the  hour  inmates 
would  naturally  leave  for  their  places  of  busi 
ness,  I  watched,  with  eager  eye,  the  faces  of 
those  leaving  the  house,  in  hopes  of  meeting 
a  familiar  one,  who,  upon  recognizing  me, 
would  convey  the  information  I  then  sought. 
Discovering  one,  whom  I  surmised  to  be  a 
gentleman  with  whom  I  had  been  associated, 
as  pall-bearer,  at  a  late  funeral,  I  approached 
and  presenting  my  hand,  shook  his  heartily, 
and  saluted  him  with  as  hearty  a  "  good  morn 
ing  ; "  I  noticed  he  looked  a  little  surprised, 
and  allowed  me  to  do  pretty  much  all  of  the 
shaking ;  this  being  the  fashion  among  many 


44 

persons  too  lazy  to  do  their  share  of  such 
conventionalities,  and  recalling  the  services 
lately  performed,  at  which  time  he  did  not 
overtax  his  strength  but  appeared  to  make  an 
excellent  mourner,  I  was  not  much  surprised. 
Addressing  the  person,  whose  acquaintance 
had  thus  been  made,  I  said,  "  I  have  not  the 
honor  of  recalling  your  name  ;  my  name  is 
Thistle,  probably  well  known  to  yourself; 
however  that  may  be,  we  were  associated, 
you  remember,  as  pall-bearers,  at  the  recent 
funeral  of  our  lamented  and  mutual  friend, 

Mr. ,"  and  here,  I  was  at  loss  to  recall 

the  name,  while  both  of  us  appeared  wonder 
fully  absorbed  in  thinking  what  the  other 
would  say  next.  Raising  my  eyes,  I  said  ; 
"  Don't  you  remember  the  name  ?  "  Touch 
ing  his  under  lip  with  the  thumb  and  fore 
finger  of  his  left  hand,  while  looking  stead 
ily  on  the  ground,  as  if  absorbed  in  deep 
and  solemn  thought,  befitting  the  occasion, 
he  meditated  a  moment  or  two,  then,  sud 
denly  glancing  at  me,  he  asked ;  "  Do  you 
remember  the  name  of  the  street  in  which 
the  deceased  resided  ?  "  I  was  as  much  per 
plexed  at  this  question,  as  at  the  loss  of  the 


45 

name  ;  and  finding  my  memory  sadly  bewil 
dered,  I  finally  acknowledged  the  deficiency, 
so  rapidly  developing  itself. 

"  I  don't  remember/'  said  my  informant, 
"  having  served  in  the  capacity  referred  to  ; 
are  you  not  mistaken  in  the  individual  ?  •'' 
"  Why,  yes  !  certainly  !  I  must  be,"  I  re 
marked  ;  "  yet  you  have  a  remarkable  resem 
blance  to  the  one  for  whom  I  mistook  you," 
and  here,  making  a  circuit  of  the  stranger,  I 
added,  "  it's  a  singular  coincidence  ;  crape  on 
the  hat,  blue  coat,  brass  buttons ;  however, 
tell  me  if  you  please,  do  you  board  at  Miss 
Rousindash's  ?"  "I  am,"  said  he,  "one  of 
the  family." 

"Just  so  !  just  so  !  a  member  of  the  family," 
said  I ;  and  here,  producing  her  letter  of  in 
vitation  to  me,  I  remarked,  "  that's  a  good 
sensible  letter ;  I  would  be  pleased  to  make 
the  acquaintance  of  its  author,  Mr.  C.  C.  C.  if 
to  be  found,  before  calling  on  Miss  Rousin- 
dash,  personally."  Making  a  very  low  bow, 
then  drawing  himself  to  a  reserved  attitude, 
he  added,  "you  have  that  honor  ;  —  but  have 
omitted,  unintentionally  no  doubt,  my  title, 
A.M." 


46 

"  Just  so !  just  so !  but  this  is  an  unex 
pected  pleasure  I  assure  you,  C.  C.  C.  A.M." 
I  ejaculated. 

"  Christopher  Columbus  Crusoe,  A.M.  is 
my  name,"  said  my  new  made  acquaintance. 

"  And  you  are  the  Mr.  Crusoe  that  wrote 
that  epistle,  and  not  the  Mr.  Crusoe  that 
served  with  me  as  pall-bearer  ?  "  "I  am  the 
author  of  the  letter,"  said  he,  "  and  don't 
recall  the  performance  of  the  duties  alleged." 

Locking  arms  with  Mr.  Crusoe,  and  turning 
my  face  half  toward  him,  in  order  to  obtain 
a  different  view  of  the  features  of  so  dis 
tinguished  a  gentleman,  I  commenced  moving 
off  with  him  at  a  slow  and  measured  pace. 
"Probably  a  relative  of  Mr.  Robinson  Cru 
soe?"  I  asked;  "have  no  definite  knowledge 
to  the  contrary  I  presume.  May  be  descend 
ed  from  the  Columbuses  also,  from  the  fact  you 
bear  the  full  name  of  a  distinguished  sailor 
of  that  family."  "  I  suppose,  I  am,"  said  Mr. 
Crusoe,  "  a  relative  of  both ;  particularly  of 
that  distinguished  navigator." 

"  Just  so !  just  so !  I  should  have  said, 
'  navigator ; '  and  you  are  pleased  with  Miss 
Rousindash's  style  of  keeping  house ;  keeps 


47 

a  genteel  place ;  quiet,  respectable  boarding- 
house  ;  no  small  children  probably,  in  a  house 
of  this  character  ;  consequently,  no  particular 
use  for  much  ringing  of  bells ;  and  the  board 
ers  possess  something  of  a  literary  turn." 

"  The  inmates  of  the  house  we  term  occu 
pants,  or  members  of  the  family ;  we  never 
speak  of  such,  as  boarders,"  said  my  inform 
ant,  with  not  a  little  disgust  in  his  manner. 

"  Just  so !  just  so  !  I'm  used  to  calling 
things  by  their  right  names,"  said  I,  "  and 
you  will  pardon  me  if  I  do  so.  I  would  not 
be  inquisitive,  but  please  inform  me,  how 
many  occupants  that  house  contains;  their 
names,  and  the  vocation  of  each." 

"  There  are,"  said  Mr.  Crusoe,  "  Mr.  and 
Mrs.  Thrasher,  artists.  Mr.  and  Mrs.  Rain- 
shaw,  sculptors.  The  celebrated  violinist,  A. 
M.  Vingut.  Miss  Rhapsody,  the  authoress, 
well  known  in  literary  circles  —  contributor 
to  the  '  Owl,'  '  Colorado  Weekly/  '  Cranberry- 
Center  Evening  Gazette,'  and  various  other 
prominent  magazines  of  the  present  day.  M. 
Phill,  the  celebrated  Comedian.  Madame  Tug, 
the  great  Tragedienne.  General  Gonzales, 
exile  from  Juan  Fernandez.  Capt.  Cook  —  a 


48 

supposed  descendant  of  the  famous  South-sea 
explorer ;  has  traveled  extensively  on  the 
Guano  Islands,  situated  off  Peru.  General 
Southerland  and  family,  late  of  the  Confeder 
ate  army,  and  compiler  of  the  Sabbath-Even 
ing  Select  Hymn  Book.  This  family  has  been 
somewhat  reduced  in  circumstances,  owing 
to  unforeseen  accidents  ;  they  are  now,  how 
ever,  receiving  an  income  from  the  sale  of 
his  work,  which  appears  well  adapted  to  the 
wants  of  the  Pejee  Islanders. 

There  are  Mr.  and  Mrs.  De  Soto,  lineal  de 
scendants  of  the  discoverer  of  the  Mississippi ; 
a  great  grand-son  of  Capt,  Robert  Kidd,  who 
has  in  his  keeping,  a  family  likeness  of  that  ro 
mantic  genius  ;  Hon.  H.  Clay  Digbee,  inventor 
of  the  system  of  '  Sound  Imprinting.'  This  dis 
covery  is  not  fully  developed  by  the  process 
now  employed.  He  has,  however,  associated 
with  himself  Professor  Fizzleton,  author  of 
various  works  on  Chemistry,  and,  bringing  to 
his  aid  the  great  knowledge  and  practical 
experience  of  this  distinguished  scholar, 
no  doubt,  meet  with  immediate  success.  I 
have  invested  largely  in  the  stock  of  this  cor 
poration,  and  consider  it  not  only  safe,  but 


49 

one  of  the  wisest  operations  of  my  life  ;  "  here 
he  added,  "  would  you  not  like  to  take  an 
interest,  to  a  small  amount?  probably  a  small 
interest  could  yet  be  secured."  I  remarked, 
"  if  I  took  an  interest,  it  would  be  a  small 
one." 

"  There  are  other  equally  distinguished  per 
sonages,"  continued  Mr.  Crusoe,  "  members 
of  the  family,  and  no  doubt,  should  you  oc 
cupy  apartments,  they  will  be  pleased  to  call, 
and  form  your  acquaintance." 

The  lower  portion  of  my  jaw,  at  the  conclu 
sion  of  this  information,  I  found  resting  on 
my  closely  buttoned  coat  collar.  I  stood  gaz 
ing  at  vacancy,  as  he  bade  me  good  morning, 
and  suddenly  vanished  up  a  flight  of  stairs, 
leading  to  various  offices,  over  the  window 
of  one  of  which  I  noticed  a  sign,  bearing  the 
following  inscription,  "  Office^  of  the  Sound 
Imprinting  Company.  Christopher  Columbus 
Crusoe,  President." 

If,  thought  I,  "all  these  things"  can  be 
accommodated,  and  feel'  content  to  remain  in 
the  house,  together  with  many  other  distin 
guished,  literary  inmates,  whose  names  have 
been  omitted,  certainly  I  shall  meet  with  the 


50 


furthering  of  my  highest  aims,  by  being  thus 
associated  ;  can  select  my  own  society,  profit 
by  the  vast  wisdom  and  experience  of  such 
distinguished  characters,  and  shall,  no  doubt, 
soon  take  rank  among  those  so  well  qualified 
to  appreciate  real  merit  and  true  genius. 

At  eight,  in  the  evening,  my  friend's  ser 
vant,  Jonathan,  stood  at  the  door-way,  leaning 
on  the  cot  bed,  which  I  had  ordered  him  to 
convey  to  the  house  of  Miss  Rousindash,  with 
express  directions,  to  wait  there  for  my 
arrival. 

A  few  moments  later,  I  rang  the  door-bell ; 
a  servant,  robed  in  a  Turkish  costume,  re 
sponded  to  my  call,  and  gracefully  bowing 
me  to  the  reception  room  and  receiving  my 
card  on  a  tastefully  arranged  willow  basket, 
soon  vanished  out  of  sight,  after  advising  me 
in  an  unknown  tongue,  to  do  something  I 
could  not  understand ;  but  which  from  the 
gesture  accompanying  his  words,  I  supposed 
meant,  "  please  sit  down,  and  wait  until  the 
lady  can  see  you." 

There  I  sat  nearly  an  hour,  before  seeing 
Miss  Rousindash ;  meantime  Jonathan  stood 
without,  benumbed  with  cold,  watching  my 


51 

cot-bed,  which,  agreeable  to  custom,  I  had 
resolved  never  again  to  omit  using,  on  my 
first  night's  trial. 

The  appearance  of  Miss  Rousindash,  when 
she  entered  the  room,  was  prepossessing; 
and  after  a  few  moments7  conversation,  I  be 
came  satisfied  I  had,  for  once,  made  a  wise 
and  judicious  choice  ;  indeed  the  lady  and 
myself  had  freely  exchanged  sentiments  on 
various  topics,  and  perfect  harmony  existed 
on  all  points.  The  rooms,  which  were  well 
located,  having  been  shown  me,  and  the  terms 
being  reasonable,  I  remarked,  as  I  bade  her 
good  evening,  I  had  brought  only  a  small  cot- 
bed,  and  with  her  permission,  I  would  place 
the  same  in  my  rooms  above ;  while  on  the 
morrow,  my  entire  effects  wou^d  be  removed, 
and  I  should  then  be  happily  located,  and  to 
my  great  relief;  for  I  had  been  sadly  disap 
pointed  thus  far,  by  my  sudden  and  unex 
pected  changes. 

Acquiescing  in  my  desires,  she  detailed 
"  Miss  McCarthy "  to  attend  my  wants.  I 
noticed  that  Miss  McCarthy  passed  to  the 
front  door,  with  a  heavy,  clumsy  tread,  and 
directed  my  servant  to  "jist  carry  yer  bag- 


52 

gage  round  through  the  passage-way  into  the 
back  yard,  and  wait  at  the  back  intrance  'til  I 
call  ye." 

While  waiting  in  the  vestibule,  agreeably 
entertained  by  my  new  land-lady,  a  shout 
came  up  from  the  kitchen  and  basement, 
mingled  with  anathemas  which  were  hurled 
at  me  in  all  conceivable  tongues. 

Miss  Rousindash,  at  once  leaving  me,  rushed 
to  the  scene  of  this  new  revolutionary  devel 
opment,  and  demanded  the  cause  of  such  an 
outburst  of  feeling,  on  the  part  of  the  " ladies" 
present.  "  The  single  gintleman  wid  his  coi> 
bedstead ;  ah !  the  horrid  man  to  spake  of 
Bridgit  in  sich  disrespectful  manner ;  and  do 
ye  think  we  are  the  ladies  to  wait  on  sich  a 
brute  crature  ?  Niver  !  Is  this  the  man  who 
would  be  after  saying  we  don't  know  a  piano 
from  a  wud-box  ?  Out  of  this  house  you  spal 
peen."  The  sound  of  voices  was  growing 
louder  and  louder,  when  in  rushed*  the  land 
lady,  followed  by  her  Turkish  escort,  and  a 
dozen  "  ladies  "  from  the  kitchen  department ; 
thrusting  a  copy  of  the  paper  containing  my 
advertisement,  into  my  face,  she  demanded, 
if  I  was  the  author  of  that  advertisement ; 


53 

"  that,  sir  !  "  —  pointing  her  finger  to  the 
spot ;  "  that  infamous  intimation.  Did  you 
dare  insinuate,  that  inmates  ever  lose  coals, 
or  are  interfered  with,  in  any  way  ?  Do  you 
pretend  we  use  birch-brooms  for  dusters,  and 
that  cats  are  permitted  to  travel  about,  at  the 
inconvenience  of  members  of  the  family  ?  In 
short ;  are  you  the  author  of  that  foul  cal 
umny  ?  " 

"Madam,"  said  I,  in  words  most  feelingly 
expressed,  as  I  stood  surrounded  by  a  bevy 
of  "  ladies,"  holding  brooms,  rolling-pins,  flat- 
irons,  shovels  and  pokers,  over  my -bead,  "  be 
calm  ;  don't  get  excited ;  you  may  make  a 
mistake,  and  entertain  an  angel  unawares.  — 
How  do  these  'ladies,'  present  know  but  I  am 
a  relative  of  St.  Patrick  ?  " 

As  suddenly  as  if  a  vision  had  been  opened 
to  their  sight,  dropped  every  arm  raised 
against  me  ;  and  slipping  one  after  another, 
into  the  dining  room,  thence  into  the  base 
ment,  until  all  I  could  hear  was,  "  be  the 
powers  and  if  he  should  be  a  rilitive,  what 
will  became  of  us  all  ?  " 

Turning  to  my  land-lady,  I  remarked,  "  a 
single  word  of  explanation  on  my  part,  will 


54 

satisfy  you,  as  to  the  annoyance  I  may  have 
unintentionally  occasioned." 

"  Then  you  did,  after  all,  write  that  article  ?" 
demanded  Miss  Rousindash.  "  Begone  from 
this  house ;  the  ladies  employed  in  my  ser 
vice  will  never  brook  such  insult.  I  cannot 
countenance  such  expressions,  neither  permit 
the  author  to  associate  with  members  of  my 
family." 

Sailing  away  like  a  miniature  man-o'-war, 
my  amiable  land-lady  left  me  to  my  own  re 
flections.  Where's  that  cot-bed,  thought  I ; 
and  where's  the  man  who  brought  it  ? 

Finding  myself  dependent  upon  my  own 
resources,  I  passed  through  the  dining-room 
in  search  of  my  furniture ;  approaching  the 
basement  stair- way,  I  ventured  to  inquire,  if 
Jonathan  was  below.  "  Jonifan,  Massa,  and 
dat  yer  bed  o'  yourn,  Fse  stood  agin  de  out 
side  brick  wall  of  dis  yer  house  ;  guess  you'll 
find  bofe  on  um  dare,  by  jist  going  round  de 
same  way  dey  come  in ;  I'se  got  noffin  to  do 
wid^Tis  yer  row,  I  want  yer  to  understand." 

i  understood  this  to  mean,  that  I  was  to 
retrace  my  steps,  and  go  round  by  the  back 
way ;  which  doing,  after  stumbling  over  saw- 


55 

horse,  blocks  of  wood,  and  coal-shovels,  I 
secured  the  cot-bed,  but  saw  nothing  of  Jona 
than. 

It  was  now  a  late  hour  ;  the  night  cold  and 
drizzly,  and  being  unable  to  procure  assist 
ance,  I  raised  my  bed  to  my  shoulder,  and 
made  my  way  direct  to  my  office.  It  occurred 
to  me  I  never  experienced  so  sudden  a  change 
in  expectations,'  as  the  present  case  illus 
trated. 

Such  a  reverse  in  anticipated  "  temporal 
blessings,"  required  an  investigation;  and 
the  manner  of  ascertaining  the  authorship  of 
the  advertisement,  required  a  ferreting  out. 

How,  thought  I,  could  twelve  or  fifteen 
domestics,  know  any  thing  of  my  plan  of 
operation.  A  thorough  inquiry  obtained 
through  the  aid  of  detectives,  at  last  revealed 
the  secret. 


I  raised  my  bed  to  my  shoulder,  and  made  my  way  direct  to  my  office. 
PAGE  55. 


IV. 

BEFORE  proceeding  further  with  this  nar 
rative,  it  is  necessary  an  explanation 
should  be  given,  showing  the  manner  of  my 
detection,  and  the  cause  which  led  to  disas 
ters  so  lately  experienced. 

Miss  Rousindash  enjoyed,  no  doubt,  an  en 
viable  reputation  as  a  house-keeper  ;  her  fur 
niture  had  been  selected  with  great  taste, 
every  apartment  was  scrupulously  neat,  and 
each  article  so  arranged  that  it  presented  an_ 
air  of  style,  while  combining  comfort  and 
utility. 

Mirrors,  large  and  costly,  adorned  parlors 
and  reception-room,  while  elegant  damask 
drapery  graced  each  window,  conveying  the 
impression,  that  she  possessed  ample  pecuni 
ary  means  to  sustain  the  luxurious  style  thus 
enjoyed. 

The  lady  herself  was  exceedingly  attract 
ive  ;  she  was  intelligent  and  prepossessing 

57 


58 

in  form  and  feature  —  notwithstanding  her 
present  rank  in  social  life,  she  must  have 
been  an  early  associate  of  wealth  ancl  refine 
ment,  and  circumstances  no  doubt,  subse 
quently  obliged  her  to  resort  to  this  honorable 
avocation,  as  a  means  of  subsistence.  None, 
however,  could  have  appeared  more  cheerful 
in  the  performance  of  its  duties,  or  better 
qualified  to  direct  its  oversight,  while  few 
could  have  entertained  so  gracefully  and  en- 
chantingly,  as  "the  beautiful  Miss  Rousin- 
dash." 

Her  nervous  and  somewhat  impulsive  tem 
perament,  which  gave  rise  to  the  momentary 
fear  of  losing  so  many  "  ladies  "  attached  to 
the  culinary  department,  and  the  sudden  dis 
covery  of  the  presence  of  the  Single  Gentle 
man,  himself,  "  fired  her  zeal,"  and  the  natural 
result  was,  that  she  displayed  a  feeling  en 
tirely  unlooked  for  on  her  own  part.  \ 

I  would  have  been  pleased,  had  sufficient 
time  been  allowed  for  an  explanation  of  my 
former  conduct.  Fate,  by  an  overwhelming 
demonstration,  decreed  otherwise  ;  and  rest 
ing  assured,  "  truth  crushed  to  earth  shall  rise 
again,"  and  that  my  calumniators  should  fully 


59 

experience  the  vengeance  of  the  God,  whose 
"mills  grind  slowly  yet  exceeding  small,"  I 
waited  patiently  for  "  all  these  things  "  to  be 
developed,  nor  have  I  waited  in  vain. 

Located  in  a  public  place  and  convenient 
of  access,  there  is  said  to  exist  a  rendezvous 
to  which  "  female  help  "  of  our  city,  have  long 
had  resort ;  there,  a  record  is  kept  of  all 
irregular  transactions  taking  place  between 
mistress  and  "  companion,"  and  coming  to  the 
knowledge  of  the  informant.  This  organiza 
tion  has  long  been  established,  and  is  contin 
ued,  I  learn,  at  the  present  time,  through 
individual  subscription  and  annual  fees  of 
small  amount,  contributed  by  its  members. 

On  the  book  of  the  association,  appears  a 
list  of  "  Names  anticipating  a.  change,"  and 
reasons  given  for  so  doing;  also,  a  lengthy 
memorandum  of  "  Situations  eligible,  and 
worthy  of  the  notice  of  members."  This  new 
development  readily  accounted  for  the  sud 
den  transfer  of  important  events  that  often 
occur,  and  which  are  carried  from  house  to 
house  by  instant  communication  on  the  part 
of  members  and  sympathizers  of  the  "  Order 
of  my  Lady." 


60 

One  of  the  greatest  accomplishments  of  this 
sisterhood,  has  been,  the  quiet,  but  most  suc 
cessful  carrying  out  of  a  scheme  securing  to 
its  members  each  Sabbath  evening,  and  also 
—  although  allowed  one  half  of  the  entire 
day — two  evenings  during  the  week,  in  ad 
dition  to  one  afternoon.  A  resolution  is  now 
under  consideration  by  the  Board  of  Man 
agers,  asking  an  extension  of  the  "  rights " 
of  each  member,  demanding  weekly,  two 
afternoons,  three  evenings,  and  the  entire 
Sabbath.  The  "  Order  "  is  pledged  to  carry 
out  its  pat-riotic  designs,  in  words  as  fol 
lows. 

"  All  persons  engaged  in  assisting  house 
keepers  in  the  discharge  of  their  duties,  find 
ing  companionship  uncongenial  and  dictato 
rial,  shall,  at  once  withdraw  fellowship,  and 
leave  refractory  inmates  to  their  own  inevita 
ble  destruction." 

The  first  Article,  contained  in  the  Constitu 
tion  of  this  "  Order,"  develops  conclusively 
its  object. 

"  Section  First ;  Article  First. 

Whereas  all  men  are  created  equal,  and 
whereas,  we  possess  inalienable  rights,  among 


61 

which  are  Life,  Liberty,  and  the  pursuit  of 
knowledge,  and, 

Whereas  we  possess  acquirements  enabling 
us  fully  to  appreciate,  and  to  extend  to  others, 
the  blessings  hereinafter  set  forth,  —  Be  it 
known  unto  all  men :  we  mutually  pledge  to 
each  other,  our  lives,  our  fortunes,  and  our 
sacred  honor,  to  secure  the  privileges  herein 
after  mentioned,  and  bequeath  the  same,  un 
impaired,  to  our  posterity." 

During  the  preceding  year,  a  zealous  mem 
ber  of  the  "  Order "  offered  the  following 
resolution  :  judicious  and  decisive  opposition 
to  the  same,  —  after  great  anxiety  —  resulted 
in  its  withdrawal ;  otherwise,  much  incon 
venience  as  well  as  suffering  must  have  been 
the  result. 

"  Resolved.  Whereas,  the  Creator  of  the 
Universe  placed  His  works  within  the  keep 
ing  of  the  children  of  men,  and  Whereas 
certain  usurpers,  claiming  rights  and  privi 
leges  —  either  by  inheritance  of  worldly  goods 
and  chattels,  success  in  enterprise,  or  in  being 
favored  by  greater  knowledge  and  experience, 
do  now  direct,  order  and  command,  and, 
Whereas  they  expend  such  possessions  for 


62 


private  wants  and  to  their  individual  con 
venience, 

BE  IT  KNOWN  ;  on  and  after  the  adoption  of 
this  resolution,  we  solemnly  affirm,  the  duties 
pertaining  to  house-keeping  shall  be  equally 
divided  and  performed  by  those,  now  styled, 
'  mistress  and  companion ;  '  and  forever  there 
after  we  shall  faithfully  devote  one-half  of  our 
leisure  time  to  entertainment,  return  of  calls, 
cultivation  of  the  graces  and  the  perfection 
of  science  ;  while  we  will  also  strive  for  the 
advancement  of  knowledge  among  those  with 
whom  we  shall  hereafter  reside,  or  consent  to 
accept  as  our  associates." 

The  peaceful  citizens  of  our  great  metrop 
olis,  little  realize  how  much  they  have  to  fear 
from  another  source  of  grievance,  rapidly 
gaining  strength,  and  already  assuming  a 
powerful  organization. 

Through  combination  and  coalescing,  the 
milk-men  of  Boston  are  largely  implicated  in 
this  gigantic  wrong.  Striking  hands  with 
the  many  "  ladies  "  who  now  adorn  the  laun 
dry  and  basement  of  our  first  class  boarding- 
houses,  they  at  once  become  "  common-carri 
ers,"  thus  circulating  important  information, 


63 

and  often  conveners  of  "  a  general  call "  for 
the  meeting  of  the  sisterhood  ;  and  this  by 
signs  arid  symbols.  A  vender  of  milk  pre 
sents  himself  at  the  rear  entrance  of  your 
dwelling ;  mark  the  perfect  indifference  on 
the  part  of  each  "  companion  "  in  household 
duties,  save  that  one  who  hastens  to  his 
call. 

A  "  grand  rally  "  for  any  evening  may  be 
signalized  by  one  loud  ring  of  the  door-bell, 
or  two  loud  raps  of  the  hand,  or  three  knocks 
of  the  foot  against  the  door.  This  sign  is 
answered  by  the  "  lady  "  saying  "  good  morn 
ing  :  "  and  immediately  making  a  memoran 
dum  at  the  side  of  the  door-post. 

A  hurried  step  on  the  part  of  the  "  carrier," 
implies  "there  is  '  work  '  to  be  performed  by 
some  one." 

If,  in  filling  the  measure,  a  portion  of  its 
contents  should  fall  to  the  ground,  (this  sign 
is  seldom  given)  the  sisterhood  at  once  infer, 
that  through  indiscretion,  the  "  work "  has 
"  slopped  over ; "  this  latter  expression  is  a 
cant  phrase  among  the  members. 

Carrying  the  measure  in  the  left  hand,  while 
holding  the  can  in  the  right,  on  leaving  the 


64 

premises,  indicates  "  something  important  will 
soon  be  laid  on  the  table." 

There  are  various  grips,  pass-words,  chalk- 
marks,  and  water-lines,  the  meaning  of  which 
I  am  not  fully  instructed  in  ;  sufficient  knowl 
edge  has  been  acquired  to  place  all  opposed 
to  secret  societies  on  their  guard,  while 
timely  notice  on  my  part  may  avert  a  serious 
and  fatal  calamity. 

It  is  by  this  class,  or  through  the  conniv 
ance  and  aid  of  letter-carriers,  assisted  by  the 
night  patrol,  I  have  been  exposed,  my  plans 
frustrated,  my  hopes  blasted. 

For  days,  have  I  caused  the  Post-office 
"  department "  to  be  closely  watched,  and 
mail  and  /e-mail  carriers  questioned.  There 
is  something  singular  in  the  disguised  con 
duct  practised  on  its  part ;  notice  the  "  de 
partment  "  engaged  in  the  discharge  of  its 
duties  —  carrying  a  small  package,  only,  which 
is  turned  over  and  over  again,  in  search  of  a 
pretended  letter,  or  one  bearing  a  superscrip 
tion,  held  full  in  view. 

Hastening  to  learn  the  reason  for  such  pro 
longed  delivery,  detectives  at  once  interro 
gated  "  ladies  "  receiving  the  attention  of  the 


65 

"  department/'  but  generally  received  the 
most  evasive  answers,  such  as  —  "  And  what 
matters  it  what  the  gintleman  was  after  say 
ing,  can't  a  lady  spake  wid  a  body  widout 
molest  from  the  like  o'  ye  ?  " 

In  several  instances,  we  were  informed  the 
following  was  the  result  of  the  "  delivery," 
but  without  placing  the  least  reliance  on  what 
was  said,  as  the  conversation  alleged  to  have 
taken  place,  was  entirely  foreign  to  the  duties 
of  the  "  department,"  and  none  but  those" 
wearing  the  cloak  of  deception,  would  have 
resort  to  such  extremes. 

"  It's  a  very  fine  morning,  my  lady  !  ought 
you  not  to  be  out  walking  ?  How  old  are 
you  ?  Wouldn't  you  like  to  take  a  drive  ? 
Did  you  ever  go  to  Morris's  ?  I'll  call  around 
some  pleasant  evening.  Never  saw  so  pretty 
a  face  in  this  city ;  adding,  the  l  department ' 
would  be  proud  to  have  you  associated  with 
its  destinies."  Such  pretended  conversation, 
of  course,  offered  no  satisfaction,  except  to 
condemn  the  parties  already  implicated. 

Leaving  Miss  Rousindash's,  on  the  follow 
ing  day  I  sought  my  former  quarters  at  the 
respectable  hotel.  Disposing  of  my  effects  at 


66 

public  auction,  I  resolved  no  longer  to  be 
hampered  with  cot-bed,  and  its  attendant  em 
barrassments. 

Thus  remaining  and  enjoying  the  solitude 
pertaining  to  one  of  my  secluded  habits,  I 
listened  to  as  few  objectionable  sounds  as  the 
nature  of  circumstances  would  admit.  Occa 
sionally,  a  stranger  would  occupy  an  adjoin 
ing  room,  who,  troubled  with  asthma  or 
affected  by  chills,  was  unable  to  rest  com 
fortably  during  the  night ;  presuming  such  to 
be  indisposed,  and  absent'  from  home  and 
friends,  —  while  there  were  those  who  un 
doubtedly  loved  him,  —  Samaritan-like,  I  have 
sometimes  called  and  administered  a  balm  to 
his  never  failing  acceptance. 

Often,  I  have  been  called  upon  by  the  same 
unfortunate,  soon  after,  afflicted  to  an  unac 
countable  degree  with  cramps,  colic,  and  on 
one  occasion,  he  seemed  to  be  suffering  terri 
ble  neuralgic  pains,  extending  the  entire 
length  of  the  alimentary  canal.  Relief  ap 
peared  to  follow  the  application  of  restora 
tives,  though,  occasionally,  of  less  duration 
than  the  quantity,  strength  and  frequency  of 
appliances  would  suggest. 


67 

On  one  occasion,  I  was  completely  over 
whelmed,  fearing  the  alterative  would  fall 
short  of  the  requirement ;  this  case  continued 
to  offer  stubborn  resistance  during  the  entire 
night. 

There  is  another  evil  to  which  I  have 
already  alluded.  The  police  department  of 
our  city,  it  is  said,  have  been  solicited  to  join 
the  "  Order,"  as  an  auxiliary  only.  An  ex 
periment  now  going  on,  will  test  the  practica 
bility  of  such  a  movement,  and  at  present,  the 
duties  are  confined  almost  exclusively  to  the 
night  patrol,  who,  in  the  discharge  of  their 
obligations,  may  be  seen  faithfully  watching 
to  that  end. 

If  one  of  these  vigilant  public  servants 
should  be  questioned  as  to  the  nature  of  the 
conversation  carried  on,  while  confronting  a 
"lady  companion,"  of  some  residence,  the 
same  evasive  retort,  will  be  the  only  consola 
tion,  with  the  polite  addition :  "  we  have  in 
structions,  and  know  how  to  execute  our 
orders." 

The  city  of  Boston  possesses  a  superior 
police  force,  in  proportion  to  its  number  — 
and  none  better  adapted  to  guard  the  public 


68 

trust,  confided  to  its  keeping  —  laying  aside 
the  present  experiment,  which  it  is  believed 
by  those  opposed  to  secret  organizations,  will 
soon  be  discontinued  on  their  part. 

Application  had  also  been  made  to  the 
"  Bakers'  Independent  Order  of  Apprentices  " 
to  render  aid  to  this  enterprise,  but  has  re 
ceived  the  discountenance  of  all  master  work 
men. 

The  "  Brewer's  Club  "  were  long,  and  zeal 
ously  solicited  to  enter  the  compact ;  they 
declined,  on  account  of  the  instability  of  their 
representatives ;  the  variety  of  languages 
spoken  by  the  members  would  have  been  no 
J hindrance  to  success,  as  only  signs  and  sym 
bols  are  adopted,  to  convey  the  required 
information.  In  gestures  and  uncouth  gri 
maces,  the  efforts  of  the  "  Club  "  would  have 
been  found  indispensable. 

Having  fulfilled  my  obligations  towards  an 
appreciative  public,  complimenting  two  de 
partments  —  in  words  most  feelingly  express 
ed, —  I  would  here  acknowledge  the  attentions 
paid  me  personally  in  the  honor  of  various 
escorts,  hospitalities  and  continued  gratuitous 
offerings  of  cordiality  by  the  "  Societe  gens- 


69 

d'armes  "  particularly  in  providing  sumptuous 
private  entertainments,  and  shielding  its  guest 
from  every  external  danger, 

"  While  its  vigils  keep 

Safe  and  confined,  and  thus  within  the  grip  of  iron  clasp, 
The  trembling  spirit  finds  a  sweet  repose." 

C.  C.  C.  — A.M. 

My  rooms  at  the  hotel  necessity  obliged  me 
to  relinquish,  though  I  had  hoped  to  be  so 
prosperous  in  business  matters,  that  I  should 
never  again  be  obliged  to  move. 

Observing  an  advertisement  in  a  daily 
paper  —  "  Rooms  for  single  gentlemen,"  and 
thinking  this  would  reach  my  case,  I  adjusted 
my  toilet,  and  hastened  to  the  house.  Exter 
nal  appearances  soon  convinced  me  the  place 
could  only  rank  as  a  third-rate  establishment. 
Having  pulled  a  bell-knob  ten  or  twelve  inches 
beyond  its  natural  limit,  without  other  effect 
than  watching  my  own  effort,  with  my  cane  I 
gave  a  few  loud  raps  on  the  door,  which  pru 
dently  opening,  revealed  the  head  and  shoul 
ders  of  a  man,  who  had  forgotten  to  put  on  his 
coat.  A  husky,  rough  voice  within,  inquired, 
"  Who  do  you  want  to  find  ?  " 

"  I  would  be  pleased  to  see  the  proprietor 


70 

or  proprietress,"  I  answered.  "  The  who  ?  " 
"The  person  having  charge  of  the  house," 
said  I.  The  inside  sentinel  —  for  I  could  not 
think  of  any  other  appellation  by  which  he 
should  be  called  —  raising  his  hand  to  his 
head,  and  running  his  fingers  through  a  be 
wildered  state  of  matters  and  things  in  gen 
eral,  called  out,  "  Mr.  Officer  ;  I  say  ;  there's 
a  man  down  here  what  wants  to  see  you." 
Meantime  I  stood  without,  awaiting  further 
marks  of  hospitality.  "  Mr.  Officer  "  made  his 
appearance,  and  relieving  guard,  asked, 
"  Who'd  you  want  to  see  ?  " 

"  I  came,  sir,  in  response  to  a  notice,  found 
in  this  morning's  paper,  to  see  rooms  suitable 
for  a  single  gentleman.  Are  you  the  proprie 
tor  ?  "  "  Well,  no  ;  the  woman  who  run  this 
machine  has  '  gone  up,'  and  I'm  taking  stock. 
That  'ere  notice  you  speak  of,  has  been  in  the 
paper  for  a  month  or  more,  I  guess.  There 
hasn't  a  soul  lived  here  for  more  nor  three 
weeks  to  my  sartin  knowledge,  and  I  don't 
see  how  folks  ever  stood  it  to  live  at  all  in 
such  a  place.  Won't  you  come  in  ?  Sit 
down  ;  sit  down  if  you  can  find  a  chair  that's 
got  four  legs";  I  never  see  one  since  I've  had 
charge." 


71 

Out  of  curiosity  I  concluded  I  would  ex 
plore  the  premises,  and  accordingly  accepted 
the  cordial  invitation,  though  expressed  at  so 
late  a  moment. 

On  entering,  "  Mr.  Officer "  handed  me  a 
list  of  articles  enumerated  on  a  sheet  of  greasy 
foolscap  paper,  embracing  the  entire  stock  of 
household  effects,  and  valued  at  8396.95. 
"  That,"  said  he,  pointing  to  the  result  of  his 
official  duties,  "  is  all  these  things  will  fetch 
at  auction.  I  wouldn't  give  a  red  herring  for 
all  left  over ;  'aint  it  astonishing  how  some 
folks  will  keep  boarders  on  a  mighty  small 
outfit?" 

"  How  many  members  of  the  family  did  the 
house  contain  ?  "  I  asked. 

"  0  !  they  wa'n't  all  one  family,  bless  your 
soul,  the  woman  kept  boarders." 

"  Yes,  I  understand  you,  '  boarders  '  is  the 
common  and  proper  name  given  to  this  class 
of  occupants.  How  many  had  she,  may  I 
ask  ?  " 

"  "Well !  I  couldn't  say  exactly  ;  she  never 
kept  no  books,  but  a  Miss  Spriggins,  who 
used  to  run  a  sewing  machine  in  her  own 
room,  told  me  there  was  about  forty  table- 


72 

boarders,  including  the  six  and  seven  o'clock 
breakfasts,  and  the  twelve  and  one  o'clock 
dinners,  and  she  reckoned  about  thirty-five 
stiddy  lodgers." 

"  The  inventory  is  small  in  valuation,  con 
sidering  the  number  of  boarders  there  must 
have  been  accommodated,"  I  remarked. 

"  Accommodated  ?  well.  Do  you  know 
how  folks  used  to  sit  at  that  'ere  table  ?  why ; 
the  chairs  stood  kinder  sideway ;  a  broad- 
shouldered  man  like  me,  would  never  have 
any  show  at  dinner  time.  No  sir ;  them  fig- 
gers  is  about  right.  See  the  stuff  and  say  if 
I  ha'n't  been  over  liberal." 

Calling  my  attention  to  a  list  of  furniture 
contained  in  twenty-two  sleeping  rooms,  I 
found  his  valuation  to*  be  two  hundred  and 
twenty-two  dollars ;  kitchen  furniture  and 
cooking  utensils,  fifteen  dollars  and  fifty  cents ; 
dining  table,  crockery  and  glass  ware,  forty- 
two  dollars  ;  table  linen,  thirteen  dollars  and 
fifty  cents  ;  and  all  other  articles  embraced 
in  the  inventory,  one  hundred  and  three 
dollars  and  ninety-five  cents.  Scrutinizing 
the  "  Estate,"  I  concluded  the  estimate  ren 
dered  fully  covered  its  present  value,  and  was 
indeed  over  "  liberal." 


73 

Thanking  "  Mr.  Officer "  for  his  kindness, 
and  regretting  any  intrusion  on  my  part,  I 
moved  towards  the  door,  when  he  remarked, 
"  I  guess  I'll  buy  the  lot  when  it's  sold,  and 
add  enough  to  it  to  make  the  thing  a  first 
class  boarding-house  ;"  ejaculating,  "call  agin; 
come  round  when  we  git  things  to  rights,  and 
the  old  lady  will  show  you  over  the  premises. 
This  house  will  git  built  up  about  as  soon  as 
the  next  one ;  my  wife's  jist  the  smartest 
woman  you  ever  see,  and  can  put  this  thing 
through,  in  apple-pie  order.  Call  agin;  don't 
forgit  the  number."  Leaving  the  house,  I 
had  not  advanced  far,  when,  hearing  the 
sound  of  an  opening  window,  and  turning,  I 
perceived  "  Mr.  Officer "  beckoning  my  re 
turn.  Retracing  my  steps,  he  said  in  an 
undertone,  "  Don't  say  nothing  about  what 
I've  said  about  buying  this  ere  property  ;  I'm 
so  situated,  myself,  my  son  Theophilus  must 
bid  it  in.  You  know  Theophilus  ?  keeps  in 
Quincy  Market ;  you  understand  how  these 
things  are  done,  on  the  square  ?  Call  round 
some  time  and  take  your  choice  of  rooms." 

Leaving  "  Mr.  Officer  "  with  his  body  half 
out  of  the  open  window,  his  eyes  raised  to 


74 

the  firmament  as  if  engaged  in  an  astronomi 
cal  discovery,  the  thumb  of  his  right  hand 
inserted  in  his  right  ear,  the  fingers  of  which 
were  gracefully  moving,  as  if  accustomed  to 
the  keys  of  a  musical  instrument,  I  turned, 
saying  to  myself,  that  must  be  a  masonic  sign, 
a  symbol  of  the  association ;  it  should  have 
been  given  with  greater  caution,  although 
the  attitude  betokened  reverence.  I  liked 
the  method  of  recognition,  although  I  could 
not  give  the  countersign  ;  turning,  and  facing 
my  would-be  fraternal  friend,  and  swinging 
my  arms  about  in  every  conceivable  direction, 
which  appeared  to  give  entire  satisfaction, 
and  approaching  him  once  more,  I  inquired, 
"  What  would  be  the  terms  for  a  regular 
boarder?"  with  a  benign  look,  he  remarked, 
"  Well !  betwixt  five  and  eight ;  you'd  want 
to  sleep  alone,  of  course  ;  shall  have  to  charge 
about  eight  dollars  for  three  meals  of  vittles ; 
vittles  is  vittles  now  days.  But  come  round ; 
I'll  accommodate  you,  if  I  don't  nobody  else ; 
you're  exactly  my  style." 

The  choice  may  haive  been  complimentary, 
although,!  thought  the  honor  attached  itself 
to  "  Mr.  Officer "  rather  than  to  any  feeling 


75 

of  pride  possessed  on  my  part.     As  I  could 
not  concur,  therefore  I  did  not  "  call  round." 

To  what  extent  "  Mr.  Officer  "  has  "  swung 
round  the  circle "  I  never  learned ;  the  evi 
dence  before  me  for  a  successful  campaign, 
led  to  the  conviction,  it  would  result  in  this 
case —  as  on  a  former  occasion  — "  in  a  cipher." 


Samaritan-like,  I  have  sometimes  called  —  PAGE  66. 


V. 


A  FEW  evenings  since  while  sitting  by  a 
fire,  in  a  remote  apartment  of  the  hotel 
where  I  continued  to  reside,  my  ear  suddenly 
detected  the  sound  of  approaching  footsteps. 
A  loud  rap  at  the  door  next  followed,  and 
meeting  with  a  hearty  welcome  from  within, 
the  door  opened  and  the  familiar  face  of  an 
old  and  tried  companion  of  my  early  years 
appeared  before  me,  who,  like  myself,  had 
long  been  seeking  other  and  more  economical 
accommodations,  but  with  equally  poor  suc 
cess.  The  object  of  the  visit  on  the  part  of 
my  friend,  Mr.  Doolittle,  was  to  inform  me  he 
had  been  earnestly  solicited  to  engage  rooms 
already  furnished  and  procure  his  meals  at 
a  restaurant,  or  if  he  preferred,  at  one  of  the 
many  famous  club-houses  which  abound  in 
our  city. 

Having  thus  disclosed  the  purport  of  his 
call,  he    remarked,  "  I  have  visited  the  ac- 

77 


78 

commodations  referred  to,  and  find,  adjoining 
the  rooms  which  I  have  selected,  another 
still  unoccupied.  I  have  obtained  the  refusal 
of  both,  for  a  short  time,  and  shall  be  most 
happy  if  you  will  decide  to  accompany  me." 
Favorably  entertaining  the  project,  I  con 
sented  at  once  to  try  the  experiment ;  but 
not  being  a  member  of  any  Club,  nor  aware 
of  having  a  single  personal  acquaintance 
among  gentlemen  who  were  members,  I 
queried  how  the  introduction  could  be  ob 
tained  unless  my  companion  happened  to  be 
more  favorably  situated  in  this  respect. 

Mr.  Doolittle  remarked,  "  he  had  a  bowing 
acquaintance  only,  with  a  gentleman  to  whom 
he  once  sold  a  patentrright,  which  unfortu 
nately  proved  utterly  valueless.  This  trans 
action  "  he  added,  "  has  never  developed  that 
degree  of  attachment  on  the  part  of  the  pur 
chaser  and  myself,  often  following  business 
engagements  with  merchants  in  general ; " 
and  he  further  said,  that  he  had  been  unjustly 
accused  of  deceiving  the  purchaser,  when 
it  was  well  known,  "  every  transfer  of  right, 
title  and  interest  in  such  fluctuating  com 
modities,  entitled  the  seller  to  due  considera- 


79 

tion  and  gentlemanly  treatment,  if  nothing 
else." 

Discussing  the  advantages  and  disadvan 
tages  connected  with  a  restaurant  life,  we 
found  much  that  was  favorable  with  much 
more  that  was  unfavorable,  for  gentlemen 
holding  our  position  in  society.  The  club 
house  project  had  its  advantages  in  our  esti 
mation,  and  after  mature  deliberation  by  Mr. 
Doolittle  and  myself,  it  received  our  unani 
mous  vote. 

As  we  both  enjoyed  the  reputation  of  being 
sober  and  sedate  citizens,  we  decided  that 
our  names  should  be  handed  in  for  immediate 
action  on  the  part  of  the  members  of  whatever 
Club  we  should  conclude  to  join.  The  experi 
ment  of  living,  should,  for  a  while,  alternate 
between  club-house  favors  and  restaurant 
necessities,  until  we  could  decide,  by  actual 
experience,  which  of  the  two  should  prove 
preferable  and  ultimately  less  expensive ; 
meantime  the  rooms  should  be  secured,  and 
so  soon  a.s  we  became  associates  at  the  Club 
we  would  then  settle  down  for  the  winter. 

Honorable  Leharo  Return,  the  name  of  the 
"  patent  friend  "  of  Mr.  Doolittle,  having  been 


80 

selected  to  receive  and  present  our  names  as 
candidates  for  admission  to  the  "  Corporate 
Body  of  Select  Few,"  we  immediately  called 
upon  him,  requesting  his  assistance  ;  readily 
complying  with  our  request,  he  remarked,  it 
would  be  considered  a  privilege  on  his  part, 
and  no  doubt  we  should  both  attain  distin 
guished  positions,  occupying  seats  of  honor,  in 
connection  with  the  duties  and  responsibili 
ties  we  were  about  to  engage  in.  Our  names 
and  reputation  being  unobjectionable,  we  soon 
had  the  satisfaction  of  learning  we  were 
"  unanimously  elected,"  and  should  soon  enjoy 
full  fellowship,  as  members  of  this  distin 
guished  association;  Ave  were,  however,  ad 
vised  of  the  custom  of  remitting  the  sum  of 
twenty  dollars  each,  to  the  treasurer,  before 
being  privileged  to  sign  the  "  articles  of  com 
pact,"  by-laws  and  regulations  of  the  "  Cor 
porate  Body,"  made  and  provided  for  its 
better  government,  after  which,  we  would  be 
presented  to  its  members  "in  due  and  ancient 
form."  To  this  we  readily  gave  our  assent, 
and  at  once  remitted  the  required  "  fee," 
which  we  were  informed  would  be  expended 
for  the  sole  benefit  of  members  of  the  associa-' 


81 


tioh.  The  following  morning  I  received  a 
polite  note  acknowledging  the  receipt  of  the 
remittance,  an$  stating  that  the  members 
awaited  our  pleasure  for  further  communica 
tion. 

For  the  first  time,  we  were  now  informed 
of  the  necessity  existing  on  the  part  of  candi 
dates,  of  delivering  an  oration,  reading  a  com 
position,  relating  an  original  story,  or  singing 
an  original  song,  before  participating  in  the 
"  privileges  "  of  the  association.  Abashed  by 
this  late  discovery,  I  immediately  called  upon 
Mr.  Doolittle,  and  informing  him  of  my  em 
barrassing  situation,  requested  his  advice.  I 
could  not  sing ;  a  story  I  never  learned, 
neither  could  I  repeat  one  were  it  told  to  me ; 
public  speaking  I  shrunk  from,  as  I  never 
felt  composed  while  addressing  an  audience, 
and  was  sure  to  make  some  terrible  blunder 
by  asserting  exactly  what  I  did  not  intend ; 
and  as  for  reading  a  composition  —  if  copied 
by  me  —  I  knew  perfectly  well  no  one  else 
could  decipher  a  dozen  words,  should  I  un 
fortunately  break  down  in  its  delivery.  Mr. 
Doolittle  and  myself  condoled  and  sympa 
thized  with  each  other  over  this  unlooked-for 


82 

obligation.  He,  however,  enjoyed  the  repu 
tation  of  being  a  respectable  public  speaker, 
and  could  also  compose  and  sing  an  excellent 
song ;  and  therefore  he  finally  concluded  to 
write  a  few  pathetic  lines  and  adapt  them  to 
appropriate  music,  recommending  me  to  com 
pile  a  speech  and  commit  it  to  memory ; 
remarking,  tl  You  understand  gestures  and 
attitude,  having  once  been  a  teacher  of  elocu 
tion,  and  will  thus  make  up  in  action,  what 
experience  would  otherwise  have  taught,  as 
an  extemporaneous  speaker." 

Two  or  three  days  then  elapsed,  when  my 
companion  called  at  my  room,  and,  producing 
a  scroll,  commenced  singing  the  original  com 
position  intended  for  the  introductory  occa 
sion.  The  music  was  a  masterly  production, 
and  worthy  of  publication.  I  remarked,  he 
should  dedicate  that  song  to  the  President  of 
the  "  Corporate  Body  ; "  he  said  he  thought 
he  should.  I  can  recall  but  a  few  lines,  which 
run  thus,  — 


When  all  that  is  bright  must  fade  from  my  sight, 
My  pathway  obscured  shall  become ; 

When  Hope  fades  away,  and  thorns  strew  the  way, 
The  light  of  Thy  love  guide  me  on. 


83 


When  storms,  in  their  tempest,  howl  round  my  frail  bark, 

When  seas  become  mountains  of  fear, 
Then,  tossed  in  mid-ocean  without  compass  or  chart, 

The  light  of  Thy  promise  be  near. 

Having  selected  my  own  theme,  and  with 
the  great  object  in  view  of  removing  any 
false  impressions  arising  from  my  late  inad 
vertences,  I  determined  to  produce  some 
thing  effectual,  in  order  to  be  restored  to 
favor  in  the  minds  of  my  female  acquaintances, 
who  had  allowed  these  false  impressions  to 
take  such  complete  possession  of  them.  I 
knew  my  efforts,  in  time,  would  reach  their 
ears,  and  therefore  determined  to  await  pa 
tiently  the  result. 

Having  advised  the  President  of  the  Club 
of  our  readiness  to  appear  before  its  members, 
we  awaited  his  further  instructions :  mean 
time  I  devoted  my  leisure  hours  to  practice 
and  drill,  and  the  endeavor  to  attain  thorough 
perfection  in  the  important  part  I  was  soon 
to  bear  in  the  introductory  exercises. 

Receiving  a  note  from  the  Secretary,  re 
questing  my  friend,  Mr.  Doolittle,  to  be  at 
the  Club,  that  evening,  precisely  at  six,  and 
desiring  my  presence  at  seven  and  one-half 


84 

o'clock,  I  at  once  communicated  these  instruc-  ^ 
tions  to  my  companion,  who  informed  me  he 
could  not  possibly  be  present  at  the  hour 
designated  ;  but  added,  "  Friend  Thistle,  you 
take  my  place,  and  I  will  report  myself  in 
your  stead,  at  seven  and  one-half  o'clock  ;  it 
will  make  no  difference,  except' that,  when  my 
name  is  mentioned  during  the  introductory 
ceremonies,  you  will  please  correct  the  gen 
tleman,  and  allow  your  name  to  be  substi 
tuted." 

Without  giving  the  Secretary  further  notice 
of  any  change  in  the  programme  on  my  part, 
I  accordingly  reported  at  the  hour  intended 
for  my  friend's  reception.  Immediately  on 
reaching  the  place,  I  was  requested  to  occupy 
a  small  and  dimly-lighted  apartment,  one  side 
of  which  appeared  to  consist  entirely  of  fold 
ing  doors,  which,  when  opened,  evidently  con 
nected  the  room  I  occupied  with  another, 
forming  one  large  parlor  or  hall  I  thought 
little  of  this  reception,  believing  it  all  for  the 
best ;  and  as  I  had  been  informed  I  should  be 
called  upon  to  exhibit  my  powers  in  such  a 
manner  as  I  might  select,  I  supposed  the 
seclusive  opportunity  was  intentionally  pre- 


85 

sented,  and  in  which  I  could  prepare  myself 
—  by  further  rehearsal  —  for  the  entertain 
ment  of  the  evening. 

Therefore  I  arose,  and,  facing  the  large 
doors,  commenced  a  process  of  drill,  until 
becoming  animated  by  my  efforts,  and  the 
occasion,  I  found  myself  audibly  engaged  in 
my  oration.  "  Man,"  said  I,  (with  a  good  deal 
of  emphasis,)  "  is  a  discontented  portion  of 
creation.  Woman,  if  conforming  to  the  condi 
tion,  position,  and  requisition  of  her  husband, 
moves  with  greater  ease  and  better  grace 
through  the  rough  shoals  and  ragged  rocks 
of  life's  turbid  waters,"  (here  I  gave  a  few 
sweeping  gestures,)  •'  thus  realizing  a  greater 
share  of  happiness,  and  enjoying  to  a  far 
greater  degree  the  comforts  pertaining  to  the 
existence  of  all  mortals."  (changing  position) 
"  It  is  useless  to  deny  that  woman  is  the  great 
balance-wheel  to  society,"  (my  arms  here  imi 
tating  a  wheel  in  motion,)  "  regulating  pros 
perity,  usefulness  and  respect.  Power,  force, 
impetus  "  (throwing  out  my  right  arm  with 
clinched  hand),  I  added,  "may  be  supplied 
through  various  means,  and  controlled  by 
various  circumstances  ;  yet,  this  power  unde- 


86 

veloped  and  confined  within  its  own  dark, 
restless,  clinging-self,"  (both  hands  folded  on 
my  breast,  then  suddenly  dropping  my  arms,) 
I  continued,  "  must  become  not  only  useless, 
but  destructive  to  mankind."  (Pointing  one 
finger,  as  if  appealing  to  the  audience,  and 
gracefully  agitating  the  same  digit,  —  then 
raising  it  to  the  ceiling)  I  said,  "  Such  is 
woman's  worth,  made  after  the  image  of  her 
God ;  possessing  attributes  that  may  even 
move  our  very  earth,  as  intelligence,  purity 
of  thought,  strength  of  purpose,  unceasing 
confidence  and  unfailing  devotion.  These 
God-like  gifts,  (my  arms  were  here  out 
stretched,)  once  set  in  motion,  impart  an  im 
petus  to  all  created  things,  and  bind  society 
by  an  endless  chain,  the  links  of  which  are 
forged  by  the  Great  Architect  of  worlds." 

I  had  proceeded  thus  far,  having  made  a 
last  grand  effort,  (standing  at  the  moment 
with  head  uplifted  and  eyes  fixed  upon  the 
ceiling,)  when  suddenly  the  folding  doors 
flew  open  to  their  full  extent,  revealing,  no 
doubt,  a  ludicrous  tableau  to  the  fifty  or  sixty 
gentlemen  who  were  seated  before  me,  every 
one  of  whom  had  his  eyes  fixed  upon  this 


87 

ridiculous  transaction ;  although,  from  the 
obscure  light  imparted,  my  features  could 
not  have  been  distinguishable,  yet  it  occurred 
to  rne  they  should  have  given  some  slight 
notice  of  their  intention  thus  to  invade  the 
privacy  of  a  gentleman,  by  knocking  at  the 
door,  while  he  was  engaged  in  a  rehearsal. 
These  gentlemen  —  unintentionally,  no  doubt 
—  entirely  overlooked  this  necessary  cour 
tesy,  although  they  closed  the  doors  after 
them,  but  not  with  the  alacrity  displayed  in 
the  opening  scene.  Gently  subsiding  into  a 
chair,  with  considerable  chagrin,  that  would 
certainly  have  been  perceived  on  my  counte 
nance  in  a  less  obscure  light,  I  awaited  further 
instructions. 

The  deputation  that  thus  unceremoniously 
called  upon  me  consisted  of  two  strangers, 
who  intimated  that  the  present  occasion 
would  be  made  one  of  special  interest  on  my 
part,  as  a  brief  biographical  sketch  of  my  life 
and  virtues  would  be  recited  by  some  one 
present.  I  did  not  know  how  the  numerous 
facts  relating  thereunto  had  been  made  known 
to  the  person  who  was  to  officiate  on  this  im 
portant  occasion,  as  I  had  written  no  account 


88 

of  myself,  to  my  knowledge ;  neither  did  I  care 
particularly,  when  I  noticed  the  mistake  made 
by  the  deputation,  of  calling  me  by  my  friend's 
name,  as  Mr.  Doolittle  possessed  honors  I 
would  be  glad  to  enjoy. 

This  misunderstanding  I  intended  to  rectify 
at  the  time  of  my  presentation,  which  could 
be  done  by  simply  changing  our  names,  and 
confiding  in  the  gentlemen  present  to  do  me, 
and  the  cause  about  to  be  represented,  full 
justice,  I  felt  that  they  would  be  elevating 
themselves  by  placing  me  in  an  honorable 
position. 

Presuming  that  no  other  mortifying  circum 
stances  could  occur  to  mar  the  entertainment 
of  the  evening,  the  deputation  again  waited 
upon  me,  and  announced  the  oration  on  my 
part  would  be  dispensed  with ;  that  a  great 
portion  had  already  been  listened  to  by  those 
in  the  adjoining  room,  during  my  excited  re 
hearsal.  They  approved  of  the  subject,  as  a 
befitting  topic  for  a  lecture,  but  said  it  was 
ill  adapted  to  the  present  occasion.  They 
acknowledged  I  possessed  some  literary  abil 
ity,  and  had  my  thoughts  followed  other  and 
more  practical  channels,  or  if  I  would  confine 


89 

myself,  hereafter,  to  my  proper  sphere  —  re 
ferring  no  doubt  to  Mr.  Doolittle's  musical 
ability  —  I  should,  in  time,  immortalize  my 
self.  I  knew  that  my  disguise  was  now  com 
plete,  from  their  reference  to  the  subject  of 
music ;  and  had  not  their  remarks  mortified 
me  exceedingly,  I  should,  at  once,  have  placed 
myself  in  a  proper  attitude  regarding  my  real 
name. 

At  this  crisis,  I  was  requested  to  sign  cer 
tain  papers  presented  to  me,  and  which,  for 
want  of  light,  I  could  not  read ;  after  which 
I  was  told  to  kneel  and  repeat  after  one  of 
the  deputies  certain  lengthy  obligations,  re 
quiring  me  to  conform  to  all  "  rules  of  the 
Club,"  behave  myself  on  all  occasions  "  in  a 
dignified  and  courteous  manner,"  refrain  from 
all  intoxicating  beverage,  assist  the  widow, 
provide  for  the  destitute,  regard  the  sabbath, 
believe  in  an  architect  of  the  world,"  and 
conform  to  many  other  excellent  promises.  I 
did  not  approve  of  the  conditions,  in  case  of 
the  violation  of  any  one  of  these  obligations : 
it  occurred  to  me  the  punishment  to  be  in 
flicted,  should  I  depart  from  paths  of  recti 
tude,  was  exceedingly  stringent  in  its  nature. 


90 

This  concluded,  I  was  directed  to  rise  and 
be  seated.  Thereupon,  the  deputation  ad 
dressed  me  in  words  —  feelingly  expressed,  — 
setting  forth  the  benefits  that  would  arise  in 
the  bond  of  fellowship  about  to  be  entered 
into  ;  remarking,  that  it  would  be  absolutely 
necessary  that  I  should  enter  the  presence  of 
the  august  u  Corporate  Body  "  in  becoming 
attire,  which  would  indicate  my  condition  of 
utter  helplessness,  showing  thereby  my  in 
ability  to  assist  myself,  thus  exemplifying  the 
professions  of  those  with  whom  I  should  ever 
after  be  associated ;  and  in  this  way  alone 
could  the  fundamental  truths,  in  which  they 
believed,  be  duly  impressed  on  my  mind. 

Majestically  bowing  my  assent,  and  having 
remarked,  I  fully  appreciated  the  kind  offer 
ing  arid  design,  I  added,  "  It  certainly  is  a 
most  appropriate  and  impressive  manner  of 
conveying  the  relation  we  sustain  to  each 
other."  ll  Who,"  I  inquired,  "  designed  this 
beautiful  and  brotherly  form  ?  May  I  ask,  if 
either  or  both  the  gentlemen  present  con 
ceived  the  idea  ?  "  Having  been  informed  its 
origin  extended  as  far  back  as  the  date  of  the 
old  "  Know-Nothing  "  party,  I  concluded  the 


91 

Club  possessed  a  good  record,  and  congratu 
lated  the  deputation  on  the  continued  and 
exalted  reputation  it  had  so  long  sustained. 
I  now  sat  and  resignedly  submitted  myself  to 
the  "  robing  process."  A  silk  handkerchief 
being  first  tied  over  my  eyes,  I  thought,  at 
the  same  time,  something  not  unlike  the 
lining  of  an  old  hat  was  being  drawn  close 
over  my  head,  completely  covering  my  mouth 
—  so  far  as  I  could  judge.  Feeling  my  nose 
protruding  through  an  orifice,  in  this  modern 
"  crown,"  I  inquired  of  the  deputation  —  who 
had  been  busy,  during  this  invisible  process, 
in  snugly  stuffing  my  arms  into  a  "  strait- 
jacket  "  —  what  was  the  specific  object  of 
their  present  labor  ?  "  The  garment,"  said 
they,  "  placed  over  your  head  and  shoulders, 
represents  meekness.  The  confined  state  of 
your  arms  inculcates  dependency."  Rising, 
and  supported  on  either  side  by  my  guides,  I 
was  requested  to  accompany  them,  and  told 
that,  by  their  aid,  I  should  "  meet  and  over 
come  all  danger,  and  in  due  time  reach  the 
Celestial  Empire."  To  their  wishes  I  yielded, 
but  not  without  exhibiting  traits  of  an  unre- 
generated  nature. 


92 

Just  before  entering  the  room,  I  heard  raps 
from  all  sides,  in  quick  succession  ;  it  seemed 
to  me  as  if  the  "  Club  "  were  cracking  walnuts 
in  their  laps.  Stopping  suddenly,  in  the 
midst  of  my  journey  to  the  "  Celestial  Em 
pire,"  thinking  it  possible,  after  all,  I  was 
joining  a  secret  order,  perhaps  some  sort  of 
"  Odd  Fellowship  "  —  for  it  was  a  most  re 
markable  odd  way  of  introducing  a  stranger 
to  a  room,  filled  with  gentlemen  —  and  turn 
ing  to  one  of  my  escort,  I  said,  —  in  words 
feelingly  expressed,  "  am  I  forfeiting  my 
allegiance  to  my  country,  my  family,  or  my 
Maker  ?  Am  I  not  losing  my  birth-right  ? 
Am  I  joining  in  any  manner  or  form  whatever, 
a  secret  organization  ?  Are  these  proceed 
ings  in  exact  conformity  to  the  laws  of  this 
Commonwealth,  and  have  they  received  the 
sanction  of  the  '  General  Court '  ?  "  One  of 
my  escort  informed  me,  that  he,  himself,  had 
the  honor  of  drafting  the  identical  law  con 
ferring  this  right  upon  the  Club,  and  the 
attending  honor  on  its  members ;  adding,  "  I 
am  now  a  member  of  the  '  General  Court/ 
well  acquainted  also  with  all  the  members  of 
the  School-committee,  connected  with  our  city 


93 

schools.  You  do  not  probably  recognize  me, 
at  this  time,  but  there  are  several  present,  to 
whom  you  are  no  stranger,  Mr.  Doolittle."  I 
should  have  preferred  to  watch  "  Mr.  Doo 
little,"  rather  than  to  personify  him.  "  No," 
said  I,  "  it  is  not  convenient  to  recognize  our 
friends  at  this  moment.  Did  I  hear  you  re 
mark,  you  belonged  to  our  School  Board?" 
"  No  !  not  at  the  present  time.  My  views 
differing  in  various  respects,  and  having  been 
invited  to  follow  some  other  profession,  I  was 
obliged  to  submit  to  the  substitution  of 
another's  name,  in  place  of  my  own,  and  with 
out  receiving  any  particular  notification,  on 
the  part  of  my  constituents."  "  That  has 
been  my  experience,"  I  remarked ;  yet  the 
thought  that  the  one  directing  the  exercises, 
had  once  walked  in  the  same  disinterested 
path,  listened  to  the  same  urgent  calls, 
knelt  at  the  same  shrine  of  devotion,  gave 
me  renewed  courage,  and  yielding  to  press 
ing  urgency  on  the  part  of  my  escort,  I 
crossed  the  threshold  of  the  reception-room, 
entered  the  hall,  walking  in  all  possible  up 
rightness  of  manhood  ;  feeling,  however,  as 
if  my  head  had  been  excluded  from  taking 


94 

any  very  active  part  in  the  exercises  of  the 
occasion. 

A  quartette  of  voices,  now  commenced 
singing  the  following  lines,  — 

Hail !  "  Corporate  Body."    Hail !  earth's  chosen  few. 

Hail !  wisdom  that's  almost  divine. 
Hail !  Comrades,  who  thus  their  allegiance  renew, 

And  offer  their  gifts  at  thy  shrine. 

No  knowledge  we  seek,  but  that  thou.dost  impart; 

No  love  can  be  equal  to  thine : 
No  friendship  outlives  this,  our  union  of  hearts, 

That  possesses  one  wish  and  one  mind. 

No  honor  conferred,  nor  hope  yet  retained, 

Can  equal  the  crown  on  the  brow 
Of  a  wanderer  lost,  but  whose  path  is  regained, 

Through  the  offering  we  tender  him  now. 

Dejected,  forlorn,  distressed  and  unknown, 

Our  guardian  care  he  would  seek ; 
Debased  though  he  be,  he  shall  sit  on  a  throne, 

And  kingdoms  shall  bow  at  his  feet. 

Passing  round  and  round  the  room,  my 
guide  evidently  seeking  a  vacant  chair  where 
in  to  place  me  during  the  recital  of  the  bio 
graphical  eulogy,  I  was  surprised  at  the 
incivility  of  the  gentlemen  present,  not  one 
of  whom  offered  me  a  seat ;  and  yet,  all  could 
but  notice  the  inability  on  my  part  to  procure 
one  for  myself.  A. queer  bond  of  brotherhood 


95 

is  this,  thought  I.  Then  commenced  quota 
tions  from  every  conceivable  writer,  whp  had 
figured  since  the  days  of  Moses ;  and  as  the 
walk  was  prolonged,  and  the  prospect  of 
sitting  somewhat  dubious,  the  thought  oc 
curred  to  me,  that  we  had  already  started  on 
a  somewhat  doubtful  undertaking. 

Being  talkatively  disposed,  I  inquired  of 
my  escort,  if  either  of  them  passed  under  the 
cognomen  of  "  Christopher  Columbus  Crusoe, 
A.  M.  "  Being  informed  they  had  not  that 
distinguished  honor,  I  inquired,  if  either  had 
ever  been  associated  with  me  in  the  duties 
of  pall-bearer;  and  if  so,  when  and  where, 
and  how  many  times.  Both  of  my  accom 
panying  friends  appeared  to  take  this  last 
interrogatory  as  a  joke  ;  remarking,  simulta 
neously,  "  they  had."  My  dear  sirs,  said  I  - 
(disposed  to  stop  and  discuss  the  subject)  — 
did  you  officiate  as  pall-bearers  when  I  was 
present  ?  "  You  have  been  already  informed 
on  this  subject,"  said  my  escort,  "  and  nothing 
more  must  be  said  now  ;  please  listen  to  what 
is  said  by  others,  and  let  the  lesson  find  a 
suitable  response  within,  and  there  make  an 
abiding  impression."  "  Just  so  ;  just  so ;  but 


96 

I  can't  see  what  is  the  use  of  losing  so  much 
time  in  searching  after  a  seat.  Had  you  not 
better  speak  to  one  of  the  brethren,  and  thus 
call  especial  attention  to  my  case  ?  " 

Suddenly,  touching  a  cricket  with  my  foot, 
and  being  requested  to  kneel,  I  quietly  placed 
myself  in  a  sitting  posture  thereon,  not  think 
ing  the  man  intended  what  he  said,  and 
thanking  my  escort  for  their  attention,  I  ex 
cused  them  from  any  further  trouble.  I  was, 
however,  immediately  informed  of  the  irregu 
larity  of  my  conduct,  and  early  relieved  of 
the  care  of  the  cricket.  At  once,  kneeling, 
in  conformity  to  previous  orders,  I  found  this 
a  great  relief  to  me,  for  three  of  us  had  trav 
eled  about  no  less  than  ten  minutes,  listening 
to  songs,  the  reading  of  selections,  and  rehear 
sal  of  dialogues  by  the  members.  All  this 
time  we  seemingly  had  been  going  up  and 
down  stairs,  my  guides  being  evidently  in 
search  of  a  chair,  until  it  appeared  to  me  as 
if  we  had  visited  every  room  in  the  building. 

A  gentleman  now  approached,  and  re 
quested  me  to  repeat  after  him,  other  lengthy 
promises.  I  did  so,  again  confiding  in  the 
leniency  of  those  present,  for  I  felt  the  utter 


97 

impossibility  of  keeping  one-half  of  my  en 
gagements  already  entered  into.  I  cannot 
recall  one  promise  in  fifty  I  then  made  ;  and 
I  no  doubt  executed  many  maneuvers  I  never 
contemplated.  During  this  portion  of  the 
exercises,  there  was  a  good  deal  of  shuffling 
about  from  place  to  place,  whispering  and 
laughing,  by  those  present.  I  knew  there 
must  be,  at  this  time,  several  vacant  chairs; 
yet  no  one  appeared  to  take  much  interest  in 
my  case.  All  that  was  being  enacted  they 
alone  understood,  and  whatever  was  found  to 
laugh  at,  those  present  enjoyed  among  them 
selves  ;  as  for  me,  it  was  sober  reality.  With 
all  the  dignity  I  could  summon,  I  asked  my 
escort  how  much  longer  this  portion  of  the 
exercises  would  continue,  remarking,  I  was 
prepared  for  the  "  biographical  eulogy,"  and 
introductory  ceremonies  ;  and  begged  no  far 
ther  postponement  of  these  duties,  on  my 
account.  A  good  deal  of  singing  at  this 
time  took  place  ;  and  although  I  am  no  judge 
of  music,  I  can  recall  these  appropriate 
words:  — 

Pilgrims  are  we,  strangers  too, 
Until  we  tread  within  the  gate ; 


98 

There,  our  wearied  labors  through, 

Celestial  honor  we  await. 
Though  through  life  our  cares  shall  be 

'Mid  chilly  want  and  poverty, 
Brighter  shall  our  virtues  shine, 

If  trusting  in  that  Power  divine. 

I  had  been  kneeling  about  ten  minutes, 
when  I  was  requested  to  rise.  Being  in 
formed  by  some  one  present,  I  had  then  to 
perform  a  "journey,"  traveling  through  a 
"  wilderness,  requiring  thirty  and  ten  days  in 
which  to  return,7'  it  occurred  to  me  I  should 
be  under  the  necessity  of  postponing  a  large 
portion  of  the  tour  until  the  next  season. 
Being  notified,  however,  we  were  not  re 
quired  to  take  food  or  money,  —  as  these 
necessities  would  be  provided  on  our  way  — 
I  had  no  objection  to  starting,  and  seeing 
what  the  country  resembled  for  the  first  ten 
or  fifteen  miles.  I  found,  however.  I  was 
again  to  place  "  confidence "  in  my  escort, 
and  thus  appreciate  the  lesson  of  "  brotherly 
love  "  I  was  about  to  be  taught.  One  of  my 
guides  stepping  in  the  rear,  and  placing  his 
hands  upon  my  shoulders,  at  the  command  of 
"travel,"  urged  me  forward  without  much 
ceremony.  I  concluded,  however,  from  the 


99 

relation  we  sustained  to  each  other,  I  might 
expect  company  the  entire  route.  Thinking 
we  had  commenced  our  "  travel "  at  too  rapid 
a  pace  for  so  long  a  journey,  I  intimated  we 
had  better  go  a  little  slower,  else  both  would 
give  out  before  daylight,  and  thus  be  left 
destitute  in  the  wilderness.  Whereupon,  mis 
understanding  my  remarks,  I  was  urged  for 
ward  at  a  much  more  rapid  speed. 

My  guide  selected  the  most  crooked  and 
tortuous  paths  imaginable,  pushing  my  body 
against  immovable  objects  which  obstructed 
our  progress,  and  which  appeared  to  exist  on 
all  sides  of  us.  Our  foot-path  was  constantly 
blocked  ;  every  impediment  to  progress  ap 
peared  under  our  feet ;  and  though  we  both 
stepped  high,  everything  we  had  to  contend 
with  appeared  a  trifle  higher  than  we  could 
reach.  I  spoke  to  my  guide  of  the  difficulty 
I  experienced,  and  inquired  if  he  found  the 
same  trouble  following  after  me  :  he  said  that 
he  did ;  therefore  I  recommended  he  should 
walk  hereafter  in  front,  unloose  my  arms,  and 
allow  me  to  take  hold  of  his  hand,  or  else 
travel  alone. 

Just  at  this  moment,  we  appeared  to  reach 


100 

a  tavern,  located  on  the  highway.  I  do  not 
think  it  could  have  been  a  profitable  invest 
ment  for  the  proprietor,  as  few  persons  would 
ever  pass  that  way  the  second  time ;  certainly 
not  unless  the  Street  Commissioner  attended 
more  closely  to  his  duties.  With  considera 
ble  flourish  of  trumpet,  a  voice  demanded,  — 
"  Whence  art  thou,  stranger,  and  whither 
dost  thou  journey  ? "  I  made  no  reply  to 
this  interrogatory,  for  although  familiar  with 
Boston, — being  the  city  whence  we  started,— 
I  had  no  acquaintance  with  the  place  of  our 
destination.  I  only  realized  that  we  had 
moved  with  considerable  velocity  over  the 
worst  constructed  turnpike  I  had  ever  trav 
eled,  which  created  considerable  doubt  in  my 
mind,  as  to  whether  my  escort  and  his  broth 
erly  charge  would  continue  together  during 
the  entire  period  contemplated  in  the  per 
formance  of  this  journey. 

"  We  are  pilgrims,"  said  my  guide,  "  who, 
by  command  of  our  illustrious  King,  Monarch 
of  North  and  South,  having  journeyed  ten 
days  in  the  wilderness,  without  food,  care 
worn  and  distressed,  seek  now  the  hospitali 
ties  of  a  '  Companion  of  the  Corporate  Body 


101 

of  Select  Pew/  unto  whom  we  will  make 
known  our  wants,  and  from  whom  we  can  ask 
aid,  and  receive  assistance  in  this  hour  of  our 
distress."  "  Art  them  of  that  chosen  and  hon 
ored  brotherhood  ?  "  said  the  tavern  keeper. 
"  We  are,  0  Publican  !  "  responded  my  guide. 
"  Thy  answer  is  correct ;  pursue  thy  journey, 
and  prosperity  attend  thee,"  answered  our 
host.  This  was  the  first  intimation  I  had 
received  of  what  I  resembled, —  "  a  pilgrim ; " 
and  though  the  occupant  of  the  premises  had 
been  advised  —  in  words  most  feelingly  ex 
pressed  —  by  my  pilgrim-traveling-companion 
of  our  destitute  condition,  I  could  not  per 
ceive  that  the  brother  "  Publican "  was  dis 
posed  to  alleviate  our  wants,  excepting  by 
good  advice  and  well-wishes. 

As  we  were  about  to  continue  our  jour 
ney, —  having  accomplished  ten  days  of  the 
period  in  five  minutes  of  time,  —  I  came  to 
the  conclusion  that  we  had  better  consider 
the  journey  entirely  ended,  and  indeed  posi 
tively  refused  traveling  another  step,  unless 
my  guide  hereafter  led  the  way,  and  selected 
less  dangerous  paths.  Discovering  the  accu 
mulation  of  gun-powder  working  in  my  sys- 


102 

tern,  and  fearing  the  result,  in  connection 
with  the  various  promises  made  by  me  at  the 
commencement  of  the  introductory  exercises, 
besides  other  agreements  entered  into  during 
the  services,  I  concluded  it  was  best  to  sub 
mit  gracefully,  but  with  the  proviso  I  had 
mentioned  to  my  guide,  and  accordingly, 
taking  hold  of  my  arm,  he  led  me  through  a 
remarkably  uneven  tract  of  country,  as  rugged 
as  that  I  had  previously  explored,  and  possess 
ing  nearly  the  same  characteristics. 

Stopping  at  another  tavern,  we  were  in 
formed  that  we  had  reached  the  turning  point 
of  our  destination,  making  in  all  "  twenty 
days  travel  in  the  wilderness."  "  Here,"  said 
my  guide,  "  we  will  partake  of  food  and  re 
fresh  ourselves  with  sleep,  after  which  we 
will  return  to  the  Palace  whence  we  came, 
and  report  ourselves  to  his  Majesty,  Monarch 
of  North  and  South."  The  same  story  of  our 
allegiance  and  fidelity  was  again  recited  to 
our  second  tavern-keeper  by  my  distressed 
guide,  but  with  similar  hospitable  results  to 
that  met  with  on  a  former  occasion.  The  two 
Publicans  must  have  been  twin  brothers ; 
their  voices  and  manners  bore  a  remarkable 


103 

resemblance,  and  what  appeared  as  a  coinci 
dence,  ea6h  possessed  the  same  impediment 
in  his  speech. 

We  were  now  informed  that  his  Majesty, 
having  learned  with  deep  sorrow  of  the  many 
dangers  that  had  befallen  us  and  obstructions 
that  had  existed  in  our  pathway,  had,  through 
the  love  that  he  entertained  for  his  subjects, 
commanded  that  a  government  road  should 
be  built,  leading  thence,  three  leagues,  at  the 
terminus  of  which  we  should  take  steam-cars, 
and  with  great  despatch  be  returned  to  the 
gates  of  his  Palace. 

The  three  leagues  of  government  road  we 
passed,  but  with  much  more  difficulty  than  I 
had  anticipated.  We  found  it  nothing  but  a 
corduroy  road,  made  of  something  resembling 
chopping-troughs.  It  was  impossible  to  step 
into,  or  upon  one  of  these,  with  any  kind  of 
safety  to  our  person.  Arriving  at  the  ter 
minus  of  this  wooden-ware  route,  we  took  a 
wheel  conveyance,  and  had  we  brought  any 
baggage  I  would  have  said  a  mistake  had 
been  made,  by  our  conductor  placing  the 
pilgrims  in  wheel-barrows  and  conveying 
their  freight  by  rail.  Not  many  minutes 


104 

elapsed  before  we  alighted  at  the  depot  and 
were  presented  to  the  king,  who  4lad  conde 
scended  to  come  a  portion  of  the  distance 
from  his  Palace,  to  greet  us. 

I  had  supposed  this  Potentate  nothing  more 
than  the  President  of  the  Club,  until  other 
wise  informed.  The  King  most  graciously 
bestowed  upon  my  guide  a  kiss,  which  would 
have  been  extended  to  me,  no  doubt,  but  for 
the  difficulty  of  returning  the  same.  "  Pil 
grim,"  said  his  Majesty,  "  rest  from  thy  labor ; 
thy  journey  is  ended.  Sit  thou  beneath  the 
vine  and  the  fig-tree.  Hereafter,  rivers  of 
water  shall  flow  at  thy  feet,  and  the  dews  of 
the  morning  and  of  the  evening  shall  be  with 
thy  flocks  and  herds."  My  pilgrim  compan 
ion  informed  me  I  could  then  be  seated. 

Halting  in  front  of  what  I  supposed  to  be 
an  easy  chair  and  majestically  bending  my 
form,  the  top  of  which  still  served  as  a  lining 
to  an  old  bell-crown  hat,  I  then  gracefully 
placed  myself  in  the  center  of  a  huge  sponge, 
which,  if  not  intentionally  moist,  certainly  had 
suffered  nothing  from  evaporation  for  the 
previous  six  months.  "Here's  a  mistake, 
gentlemen,"  said  I.  "  There's  no  vine  or  fig- 


105 

tree  about  this ;  may  be  I  have  discovered 
the  river  and  am  EOW  receiving  the  benefit 
of  the  first  evening's  dew,"  whereupon,  I  felt 
the  weight  of  my  obligations  falling  upon  me 
in  an  inconceivable  degree.  Never  had  I 
experienced  such  evidences  of  cordiality  as 
were  now  exhibited  by  my  brothers  present ; 
several,  with  great  impropriety,  sat  in  my 
lap,  while  others  clung  around  my  neck. 

The  circumstances  appeared  to  be  grow 
ing  affecting ;  the  bonds  of  companionship  I 
realized  were  now  complete,  without  farther 
demonstrations  of  sincerity.  I  was  perfectly 
satisfied  if  they  were,  having  already  experi 
enced  the  full  meaning  of  the  words  which 
fell  from  His  "  Majesty's "  lips  during  the 
performance  of  a  portion  of  these  imposing 
ceremonies.  "  Love,  the  great  regulator  of 
our  lives."  It  occurred  to  me,  "  love  "  would 
be  outstripped  in  the  contest,  and.  "  the  great 
regulator  "  come  in  some  length  in  advance. 

A  brief  address,  occupying  fifteen  or  twenty 
minutes,  then  followed  other  demonstrations, 
during  which  no  reference  was  made  to  the 
character  and  standing  of  either  Mr.  Doolittle 
or  myself;  meantime  I  had  the  honor  of  re- 


106 

maining  in  a  sitting  posture,  owing,  no  doubt, 
to  fatigue,  occasioned  by  the  exhausting  jour 
ney  through  the  wilderness  ;  soon,  however, 
orders  were  issued,  that  the  Pilgrim  should 
be  placed  before  his  Majesty,  the  King,  in 
due  form,  to  receive  a  welcome  and  to  be 
introduced  to  the  members  of  his  household. 
A  gentleman  then  commanded  me  as  follows. 
11  On  thy  right  knee  and  on  thy  left  knee,  bow 
thyself,  0  Pilgrim,  in  the  presence  of  His 
Majesty,  our  most  Gracious  King  of  North 
and  South."  Again  I  knelt,  and  never  with 
less  reluctance,  or  so  little  humiliation.  I 
had  become  completely  imbued  with  the  last 
exercise  and  was  thankful  for  any  change  in 
the  programme. 

What  a  picture,  thought  I,  must  be  pre 
sented  in  my  personal  appearance  ;  an  old 
hat  completely  covering  my  face  ;  my  nasal 
organ  protruding  from  a  small  triangular 
shaped  hole,  cut  in  its  side  ;  my  hands  tied 
in  front,  and  thus  confined  in  a  strait-jacket, 
to  say  nothing  of  other  external  character 
istics,  apparently  essential  to  my  proper  and 
formal  introduction.  Thus  I  waited  "  coming 
events  "  that  had  "  cast  shadows  "  each  side, 
for  the  past  half  hour. 


107 

"  What's  become  of  that  eulogy  ;  and 
where's  the  gentleman  who  was  to  deliver 
it?"  I  inquired  in  an  audible  voice.  Being 
told  to  keep  silent  before  His  Majesty,  I  await 
ed  the  pleasure  of  this  mighty  Potentate,  who, 
condescending  to  advance  to  the  spot  where 
I  was  kneeling,  most  graciously  touched  the 
top  of  my  bell-crown  hat  with  what  I  after 
wards  learned  to  be  an  umbrella,  and  said, 
"Pilgrim,  the  hour  is  advanced;  we  will 
therefore  dispense  with  the  biographical  eu 
logy  intended  to  be  delivered  in  honor  of 
your  reception,  recounting  the  many  virtues 
of  a  well  spent  life.  It  is  enough  that  you 
have  acquitted  yourself  on  the  present  occa 
sion,  as  one  worthy  of  the  honors  already 
conferred  and  those  yet  to  be  bestowed  upon 
you."  Again  placing  the  umbrella  on  the  top 
of  each  shoulder,  then  resting  it  a  moment 
on  the  top  of  the  hat,  he  pronounced  in  sten 
torian  tones,  "  Thou  art  a  Companion  of  the 
Corporate  Body  of  Select  Few." 

I  was  glad  to  hear  His  Majesty  so  express 
himself  even  at  this  late  hour,  as  my  own 
private  impressions  were,  I  should  remain  a 
"  Pilgrim  "  the  remainder  of  my  life.  "  What 


108 

most  dost  thou  now  desire  ?  "  asked  His  Maj 
esty.  I  was  about,  to  express  the  wish  that 
the  exercises  might  be  concluded  as  early  as 
convenient,  when  my  old  pilgrim-traveling 
companion  answered  for  me.  —  He  who  had 
wandered  in  the  wilderness ;  suffered  untold 
hardskips  from  hunger  and  thirst,  traveled 
over  nine  miles  of  government-chopping- 
trough-corduroy-turnpike ;  encountered  also 
hundreds  of  dangers  from  old  and  decayed 
vegetation  left  standing  in  the  road.  His 
words  were,  "  To  walk  humbly  before  all  man 
kind,  doing  unto  others  as  others  do  unto  us." 
A  little  mistake,  thought  I,  in  this  last  quota 
tion  ;  but  as  I  "  concurred  most  fully  "  in  the 
sentiment  so  "  feelingly  expressed,"  I  offered 
no  correction  towards  the  proper  rendering 
of  the  same.  The  King  now  summoned  the 
household  into  his  presence,  ordered  the  gates 
of  the  Palace  to  be  thrown  open  and  the 
trumpets  to  sound  the  edict  of  my  liberty ; 
and  then  exclaimed,  "  Companion,  thou  art 
free  !  Most  worthy  and  devoted  subjects  of 
my  realm,  unloose  his  bonds  and  bind  up  his 
wounds,  pouring  thereon  oil.  Give  unto  him 
wine,  and  into  his  sack,  cast  thou  corn. 


109 

Sandals  shalt  thou  wear,  bound  to  thy  right 
foot,  and  to  thy  left  foot ;  a  staff  shall  be  thy 
support  all  the  days  of  thy  life.  Scrip,  take 
thou  not,  and  journey  thou  amongst  all  nations ; 
visit  the  sick,  clothe  the  naked,  feed  the  poor; 
and  declare  thou  good  tidings  of  great  joy 
unto  all  men,  and  great  shall  be  thy  reward." 

Much  of  this  last  order  I  knew  could  not 
be  complied  with  ;  especially  that  part  of  it 
requesting  me  to  travel  about  without  funds. 
I  had  no  doubt  of  the  reward,  when  I  should 
accomplish  the  deed ;  but  it  occurred  to  me 
I  had  never  heard  of  such  philanthropic  meas 
ures  being  carried  out  by  any,  connected  with 
other  city  Clubs,  and  as  none  of  the  gentle 
men  present  had  been  on  such  an  expedition 
to  my  knowledge,  I  thought  it  best  to  defer 
my  tour  until  we  could  all  travel  together. 
During  the  utterance  of  the  last  orders  which 
fell  from  the  lips  of  our  Grand  Potentate,  I 
underwent  somewhat  the  same  transformation 
experienced  no  doubt  by  a  worm  in  the  chrys 
alis  state,  merging  into  the  glory  of  a  full- 
fledged  butterfly. 

My  arms  were  now  unloosed,  which  the 
suspected  strait-jacket  had  confined.  Next, 


110 

the  hat  was  removed  carefully  from  my  head, 
giving  to  my  nose  its  former  satisfactory  ap 
pearance,  and  in  this  condition  I  was  left  to 
remove  the  bandages  from  my  own  eyes.  I 
found,  to  my  great  relief,  I  was  in  the  midst 
of  almost  total  darkness ;  otherwise  my  eyes 
would  have  suffered  from  rays  of  light  sud 
denly  thrown  upon  them.  I  did  not  until 
then  know  that  there  were  only  half  a  dozen 
gentlemen  present,  and  presumed  at  once,  my 
companions  had  left,  wearied  at  what  I,  my 
self,  considered  protracted  and  useless  cere 
monies. 

The  "  Corporate  Body  "  having  lifted  me  to 
my  feet  before  unloosing  my  bonds,  I  looked 
around  immediately  on  removing  the  hand 
kerchief  from  my  eyes,  to  thank  the  officers 
and  receive  the  congratulations  of  the  mem 
bers  of  the  Club.  Not  a  gentleman  present 
appeared  to  know  any  thing  about  what  had 
transpired  during  the  entire  evening ;  all 
present  had  evidently  just  entered  the  room, 
and  appeared  entirely  unconcerned ;  they 
even  asked  me  what  was  the  difficulty  with 
my  eyes,  and  why  they  had  been  so  closely 
bandaged,  and  advised  me  to  go  home  imme 
diately. 


Ill 

"  Gentlemen,"  said  I,  "  do  yon  know  nothing 
of  what  has  taken  place  this  evening  ?  I  saw 
fifty  or  more  individuals  seated  in  this  place 
an  hour  since  ;  and  is  there  not  one  out  of 
the  six  brothers  remaining  who  has  not  been 
engaged  in  these  interesting  introductory  ex 
ercises  ?  "  "  You  are  dreaming,  friend  ;  "  said 
one.  "  Dreaming,  Mr.  Doolittle ;  you  had 
better  go  home  and  think  it  over."  "  Then  I 
can  leave  now  ?  "  I  asked.  "  Certainly  ;  cer 
tainly,  any  time,  Mr.  Doolittle,  any  time  ; " 
and  Mr.  Thistle,  alias  Mr.  Doolittle,  imme 
diately  started  for  his  room ;  upon  reaching 
which,  he  found  ample  time  for  reflection 
and  self-examination. 

"  Dreaming,"  thought  I,  as  I  threw  a  pair 
of  pantaloons,  thoroughly  soaked,  across  an 
improvised  clothes-line.  "  Dreaming,  Mr. 
Doolittle  ;  "  was  it  because  my  head  had  been 
shut  out  from  the  world  for  an  hour  past, 
while  my  body  had  been  actively  engaged 
during  every  moment  of  that  time?  Where's 
Mr.  Doolittle,  himself?  thought  I.  Where's 
any  body  who  can  expound  what  all  this  means? 
Where  am  I,  any  way ;  in  the  body  or  out  of 
it?"  I  walked  around  my  room  touching 


112 

different  articles  of  furniture  to  satisfy  my  self 
that  they  were  not  in  the  spiritual  form. 
Drawing  myself  in  front  of  a  warm  fire,  my 
thoughts  became  as  busy  as  a  fulling-mill, 
wondering  what  all  this  was  intended  to  rep 
resent,  and  where  Mr.  Doolittle  could  be  ; 
and  whether  he,  too,  had  called  at  seven  and 
one-half  o'clock  at  the  Club-House.  In  the 
midst  of  my  reveries,  in  walked  the  compan 
ion  of  my  youth. 

Slowly,  silently  and  thoughtfully  he  grasped 
my  hand  ;  I  did  not  rise,  and  neither  of  us 
spoke.  Turning  my  chair  half  round,  while 
he  seized  another,  and  placing  it  directly  in 
front,  sat  down.  We  both  commenced  look 
ing  each  other  full  in  the  face.  Finally,  said 
I,  "  Mr.  Doolittle,  I  am  a  member  of  the  '  Cor 
porate  Body  of  Select  Few.'  The  internal 
working  of  our  organization,  is  amazingly  like 
your  '  Phi  Beta  Kappa '  companies,  of  which 
I  have  heard  you  speak  ;  a  sort  of  l  Odd  Fel 
lowship,'  but  nothing  very  secret  in  its  nature. 
It's  a  strictly  moral  association,  one  in  which 
sacred  music  is  largely  employed,  and  which 
has  for  its  purpose  solely,  the  protection  of 
widows  and  orphans,  and  the  promulgation 


113 

of  brotherly  love  among  its  own  members, 
while  possessing  a  paternal  care  over  the 
poor  generally.  But  what  astonishes  me 
most,  Mr.  Doolittle,  is,  not  a  single  project 
contained  in  the  programme  has  been  carried 
out.  Every  body  appeared  to  know  you,  and 
nobody  knew  me,  whilst  I,  myself,  knew  no 
body.  I  could  not  find  a  single  man  at  the 
conclusion  of  the  meeting,  who  knew  any 
thing  about  the  introductory  exercises,  or 
who  could  give  me  any  information  whatever 
on  the  subject.  I  was  told  I  had  been 
'  dreaming/  and  advised  to  go  home.  Am  I 
asleep ;  are  those  pantaloons  silent  monitors 
of  inaction,  as  they  now  appear  suspended  on 
my  clothes-line  ?  Is  your  name  '  Doolittle  ; ' 
and  do  we  exist  on  earth,  or  have  we  met  on 
the  other  side  of  that  river,  over  which,  may 
be,  I  have  this  evening  been  conveyed  ?  " 

Prom  the  immovable  appearance  of  my 
friend's  countenance,  I  began  to  think  this 
last  query  had  proved  true.  Still  gazing  at  me 
with  both  eyes,  and  again  clasping  my  hands, 
he  asked,  "  Are  you  aware  where  you  have 
been  and  what  you  have  been  doing,  Mr. 
Thistle  ?  "  "  Fully  aware,  fully  aware,"  said 


114 

I.  "  Mr.  Doolittle,  I  have  received  my  intro 
duction."  "  Are  you  in  your  right  mind  ? " 
continued  he.  "  Most  assuredly  I  am,  if  not 
in  an  unconscious  condition,"  I  replied.  "Did 
you  ever  hear  of  a  secret  organization,  Mr. 
Thistle,"  continued  my  friend,  "  that  had  not 
its  '  grips,'  '  passes/  and  '  sign  of  distress  '  ?  " 

Pointing  towards  my  clothes-line,  I  asked, 
"  what  greater  '  sign  of  distress '  do  you  re 
quire?  look  at  my  trowsers.  I  have  been 
'  passed  '  through  a  wilderness,  thirty  and  ten 
days,  and  with  a  free-pass  on  my  return  trip. 
'  Grips '  I  have  experienced,  to  their  fullest 
extent ;  look  at  my  shoulders.  Mr.  Doolittle, 
have  you  passed  the  same  ordeal  I  have  expe 
rienced  ?  are  you  also  a  '  Companion  of  the 
Corporate  Body  of  Select  Few ; '  and  are  you 
in  full  fellowship  with  me  at  this  moment  ?  " 
"Not  in  your  way  of  joining,  Mr.  Thistle,' 
said  my  companion.  "  There  has  been  a 
great  mistake  about  this  whole  matter.  You 
and  I  changed  hours  you  remember,  and 
every  one  present  supposed  —  until  the  exer 
cises  were  nearly  concluded  —  that  it  was 
myself  beneath  that  hat.  The  gentlemen 
ascertaining  their  mistake  —  not  however 


115 

until  a  very  late  moment  —  left  you  in  an 
empty  room  and  with  gas  nearly  turned  out. 
Mr.  Return,  my  '  patent '  friend,  intended  to 
reward  me  for  our  late  patent-right  transac 
tion.  You  were  to  be  excluded  frorr^  the 
play,  except  as  a  silent  spectator.  I  was  to 
experience  all  that  you  have  passed  through 
in  these  '  interesting  introductory  exercises/ 
which  were  concocted  by  forty  or  fifty  of 
Return's  friends,  for  this  especial  occasion, 
and  who  are  now  terribly  mortified  at  what 
has  taken  place. 

It's  all  a  farce,  Mr.  Thistle,  from  beginning 
to  end."  Imagine  my  feelings.  I  forbear 
saying  more,  and  shall  allow  this  subject  to 
rest  for  the  present,  with  these  reminiscences 
of  the  past.  It  was  true  that  a  mistake  had 
been  made  and  an  unfortunate  one  at  that. 


Drawing  myself  in  front  of  a  warm  fire,  my  thoughts  became  as  busy  as  a 
fulling-mill.  —  PAGE  112. 


VI. 


THE  effect  of  the  introductory  experience 
through  which  I  had  passed,  confined 
me  to  my  room  several  days  ;  during  which 
time,  I  often  heard  these  consoling  words  fall 
from  iny  companion's  lips:  "It's  all  over, Mr. 
Thistle  ;  all  over,  and  every  body  regrets  the 
circumstances."  A  portion  of  this  assertion 
I  fully  realized,  while  none  regretted  the 
"  circumstances "  more  deeply  than  the  one 
who  suffered  every  deprivation  during  a  brief 
though  exhausting  journey  through  the  "  wil 
derness."  The  morning  following  the  bogus 
installation  and  conferment  of  membership  as 
a  "  Companion  of  the  Corporate  Body  of  Select 
Few,"  I  received  a  note  from  the  President 
of  the  Club  confirming  the  report  already 
received  from  my  friend,  Mr.  Doolittle,  in 
which  every  apology  was  offered  for  the  con 
duct  of  a  portion  of  its  members. 

The  absence  of  sufficient  light,  —  not  only 

117 


118 

in  the  reception-room,  but  in  the  adjoining 
room  or  hall  during  the  performance  of  the 
burlesque  —  rendered  it  impossible  for  the 
members  to  discover  their  mistake  until  it 
was  revealed  by  a  question  asked  by  myself 
in  an  audible  tone,  which  was  recognized  by 
some  one  present  as  not  the  voice  of  Mr. 
Doolittle. 

From  that  moment,  I  learned  that  most  of 
the  gentlemen  present  dropped  off,  one  by 
one,  each  apparently  having  pressing  foreign 
business  to  look  after,  thus  leaving  only  five 
or  six  to  witness  the  close,  who  were  stran 
gers  to  Mr.  Doolittle,  as  well  as  to  myself,  and 
who  mistook  me  for  the  veritable  disposer  of 
"  Patent  rights,"  all  of  whom  sympathized 
naturally  with  Mr.  Return,  in  the  heavy  loss 
he  had  sustained  in  his  late  purchase  of  so 
"  fluctuating  a  commodity." 

My  position  at  the  Club-House,  until  this 
moment,  was  one  of  humiliation  and  chagrin. 
The  regret  expressed  by  the  President  did 
not  convey  the  required  consolation.  An 
apology  was  all  that  could  be  tendered  as  a 
balm  to  my  wounded  feelings,  unless  I  could 
be  received  with  a  special  welcome  on  my 


119 

next  appearance  at  the  Club-House.  I  con 
ferred  with  Mr.  Doolittle,  and  we  concluded 
to  call  the  following  evening  and  laugh  off 
the  whole  affair.  We  decided  it  would  be 
politic  to  look  upon  the  transaction  as  a  joke, 
and  as  it  was  neither  intended  for  me,  nor 
experienced  by  Mr.  Doolittle,  we  resolved 
that  our  next  call  should  be  made  as  agreea 
ble  as  circumstances  would  admit. 

As  I  had  anticipated,  my  appearance  at  the 
Club-House  was  the  signal  for  the  general 
shaking  of  hands.  No  bell-crown  hat  now 
disguised  my  features,  and  my  hands  were 
free  to  do  their  work,  which  they  did  with  a 
hearty  will.  I  marched  majestically  from 
room  to  room,  receiving  introductions  to 
every  member  present,  through  the  gentle 
manly  attention  of  two  strangers,  who  con 
stantly  accompanied  me,  one  of  whom  I  think 
must  have  been  associated  with  me  in  the 
fatigues  endured  in  the  "  wilderness."  The 
hospitalities  of  my  escort  could  not  have  been 
excelled ;  they  evidently  took  the  deepest 
interest  in  my  welfare,  and  by  their  courtesies 
endeavored  to  efface  every  record  of  an  un 
pleasant  nature,  should  such  be  lurking  within. 


120 

Every  reparation  was  offered  by  all  with 
whom  I  came  in  contact,  while  my  friend 
Doolittle,  on  this  occasion,  was  congratulated 
upon  the  result  of  the  unfortunate  mistake, 
and  his  escape  from  the  practical  joke  in 
tended  to  be  perpetrated  on  him  only. 

During  the  evening,  we  were  toasted  and 
feted ;  yet  I  did  not  recognize  the  face  of  a 
single  acquaintance,  not  even  that  of  Mr. 
Return,  until  an  early  hour  in  the  morning. 
Thus  passed  the  second  evening  of  Club-life, 
and  in  a  most  agreeable  manner  so  far  as  it 
related  to  me.  Mr.  Doolittle  explained  to 
those  present,  in  a  very  neat  and  appropriate 
speech,  the  Patent-right  transaction,  and  re 
ceived  from  them  a  unanimous  verdict  of 
"not  guilty."  Even  Mr.  Return  accepted 
the  explanation  as  entirely  satisfactory,  and 
joined  in  the  hilarity  of  the  occasion.  All 
appeared  thankful  that  this  affair  had  been 
amicably  adjusted. 

In  response  to  a  proposal  that  Mr.  Doolittle 
should  give  the  company  present  the  benefit 
of  "  that  song,"  —  the  fame  of  which  had 
already  preceded  him,  —  he  modestly  moved 
to  the  head  of -a  bountifully  supplied  table, 


121 

hurriedly  arranged,  as  we  conjectured,  in 
honor  of  our  presence,  and  commenced  sing 
ing  an  entirely  different  piece  of  composition ; 
one,  however,  certainly  befitting  the  occasion, 
but  when  and  where  he  prepared  himself  for 
the  opportune  moment,  I  never  learned.  This 
song  —  of  which  I  can  recall  two  verses  only 
—  could  not  have  been  composed  during  the 
evening,  for  he  had  been  actively  engaged  in 
conversation  most  of  the  time. 

We'll  blot  from  the  record  all  thoughts  of  the  past, 

That  cloud  or  obstruct  from  our  view 

A  feeling  of  Friendship.    This  only  we  ask 

As  the  motto  of —  "  The  Select  Few." 

While  we  bear  on  our  neck  His  Majesty's  yoke, 
We'll  submissively  kneel  to  His  practical  joke. 

We'll  "  bury  the  hatchet,"  and  sod  o'er  the  place 

Where  error  entombed  shall  remain ; 
From  the  pages  of  Mirth,  all  else  we'll  erase, 
But  the  record  of"  Friendship's"  fair  name. 

Then  throw  to  the  breeze,  or  engulf  in  the  sea, 
Each  fault  of  our  lives,  most  willingly. 

Applause  followed  the  song,  and  speech  after 
speech  served  as  links  in  the  chain  now  bind 
ing  us  together. 

During  the  ceremonies,  I  looked  on  with 
perfect  amazement,  wondering  how  so  much 


122 

native  talent  could  have  remained  so  long 
buried  in  oblivion.  There  was  a  remarkable 
similarity  existing  on  the  part  of  all  I  met  at 
this  entertainment.  The  general  contour  of 
the  entire  assembly  conveyed  the  impression 
I  had  met  with  gentlemen  of  culture  and  re 
finement,  all  of  whom  possessed  an  excellent 
taste  for  things  palatable.  There  was  not 
one  in  whose  countenance  could  not  be  dis 
covered  a  good  degree  of  fire,  expressive  of 
a  certain  fitness  of  character,  while  nearly  all 
who  sustained  this  reflective  trait,  gave  evi 
dence  of  its  concentration  at  the  same  point. 

They  were  the  most  talkative,  congenial 
and  jolly  set  of  human  beings  ever  assembled 
together ;  and  during  the  entire  evening- 
there  was  no  disposition  evinced  by  any  one, 
to  return  to  their  homes.  In  fact,  it  was  not 
until  an  early  hour  in  the  morning  that  any 
indication  was  observed  to  break  the  circle 
of  free  thought  and  pleasant  interchange  of 
sentiment ;  neither  would  this  interruption 
have  occurred,  except  for  the  unexpected 
visit  of  several  ladies,  at  about  one  o'clock, 
who  desired  their  husbands  to  accompany 
them  to  their  residences.  As  the  hour  was 


123 

an  unseasonable  one  for  any  female  to  be  left 
thus  unprotected,  the  excuses  offered  by  the 
gentlemen  for  withdrawal  from  our  society, 
though  tendered  with  many  regrets,  were 
necessarily  accepted. 

Mr.  Doolittle  and  myself,  were,  with  few 
exceptions,  the  only  single  gentlemen  asso 
ciated  with  the  Club ;  and  yet  we  found  our 
society,  and  that,  too,  offering  protracted  in 
terviews  for  mental  culture,  consisting  chiefly 
of  those  who  were  married  men.  The  few 
single  gentlemen  generally  retired  to  the 
residences  of  their  parents  at  an  early  hour ; 
while  those  of  more  mature  years  remained 
much  later,  gathering  into  the  great  store 
houses  of  thought,  that  knowledge  so  impor 
tant  to  the  fulfillment  and  discharge  of  every 
duty  pertaining  to  the  rise  and  progress  of 
a  happy  and  well  regulated  family.  Such, 
knowing  my  preference  to  the  relations  which 
I  sustained  towards  woman,  seldom  advised 
me  as  to  any  different  course  to  be  pursued. 

All,  however,  spoke  kindly  of  the  fair  sex, 
eulogized  their  many  virtues,  and  freely  ac 
knowledged  we  could  not  exist  without  their 
divine  interposition ;  and  yet,  not  one  of  all 


124 

the  married  gentlemen  with  whom  I  con 
versed,  extended  to  me  an  invitation  to  call 
at  his  house.  This  was  proper,  I  thought,  as 
I  was  still  a  stranger,  and  no  doubt  at  a  sea 
sonable  time  I  should  be  permitted  to  witness 
the  happiness  that  clusters  around  the  hearth 
stone,  forming  the  unbroken  circle  of  domestic 
bliss. 

It  was  a  marked  change  that  took  place 
in  the  countenances  of  these  married  men 
when  they  left  the  Club-House,  to  retrace 
their  steps  homeward.  The  cares  of  a  large 
family ;  the  difficulty  experienced  in  provid 
ing  all  the  comforts  for  the  partners  of  their 
joy ;  the  requisites  a  paternal  eye  can  only 
discover ;  the  daily  sacrifice  such  can  only 
make ;  the  sympathy  these  generous  hearts 
must  experience,  can  only  be  realized  by  one 
walking  in  their  over-shoes,  as  he  slowly  and 
solemnly  ascends  the  steps  of  his  dwelling,  at 
the  trying  hour  of  two  o'clock  in  the  morning. 
How  many,  thought  I,  are  censured  for  this 
apparent  neglect  and  absence  from  their  fam 
ilies.  Little  is  known  no  doubt,  of  the  mental 
suffering  of  such  devoted  husbands,  whose 
solicitude  consists  in  providing  every  comfort 


125 

for  those  who  seldom  appreciate  or  recipro 
cate  such  constant  remembrances  on  their 
part. 

Mr.  Doolittle  and  myself  had  now  become 
thoroughly  installed  in  the  customs  of  the 
Club  ;  the  members  greeting  us  cordially,  and 
we  receiving  every  benefit  arising  from  the 
agreeble  union  now  formed.  Occasionally  we 
would  dine  at  the  restaurant  —  contrasting  it 
with  Club-life.  Our  lately  engaged  rooms  we 
had  not  yet  occupied,  not  being  fully  con 
vinced  we  should  continue  to  be  pleased  with 
our  new  style  of  living.  Meantime  we  were 
occupying  rooms  at  a  comfortable  hotel,  pay 
ing  for  lodgings  only. 

We  had  about  decided  to  make  the  Club 
our  future  place  of  resort,  having  become 
tired  of  the  noise  and  clatter  forever  encoun 
tered  at  a  restaurant ;  the  never  ending  cry 
of  a  dozen  voices  simultaneously  calling  for 
"  one  fancy  ;  "  "  two  turkies  ;  "  "  single  bis 
cuit  ;  "  "  plum  without ;  "  "  hot  potato,  —  in  a 
hurry ; "  with  the  never  ending  jog  of  our 
memory,  —  after  ordering  all  we  require,  —  if 
"  you'll  take  coffee  or  tea,"  when  we  desired 
neither.  These  sounds  had  become  stereo- 


126 

typed  on  our  minds,  and  we  determined  to 
leave  such  scenes  for  those  of  a  more  quiet 
and  attractive  life.  True,  we  did  not  obtain 
so  large  a  "  plate  "  at  the  Club-House;  as  at 
the  restaurant ;  but  it  was  "  brought  on  "  in 
•better  style,  although  accompanied  with  too 
much  outward  display ;  indeed,  much  more 
than  I  approved  of.  • 

Mr.  Doolittle  and  myself  often  talked  over 
this,  and  other  useless  extravagances.  Had 
I  possessed  the  power,  one-half  of  our  help 
would  have  been  dismissed.  I  should  have 
divided  the  napkins  into  four  equal  parts, 
torn  off  not  less  than  half  a  yard  from  the 
sides  and  ends  of  each  damask  table-cloth, 
adding  thereby  not  less  than  a  hundred  excel 
lent  towels  to  the  effects  of  the  "  Corporate 
Body,"  sold  every  wine  and  champagne  glass 
belonging  to  the  establishment,  let  each  mem 
ber  look  after  his  own  hat,  coat  and  cane,  shut 
off  a  portion  of  the  gas  at  midnight,  and  not 
kept  fifty  or  more  burners  under  full  blast 
until  morning. 

This  is  what  my  friend  Doolittle  and  I  in 
tended  to  do,  should  either  of  us  be  elected 
to  the  Presidency  of  the  association.  At  the 


127 

expiration  of  the  first  month  —  we  having 
joined  the  Club  about  the  eighth  day  of  the 
same  —  a  bill  of  "  extras  "  was  presented  to 
each  of  us,  one  of  which  is  as  follows. 

"  TIMOTHY  THISTLE,  ESQ., 

To  Corporate  Body  of  Select  Few,  Dr. 

To  proportionate  expense  of  entertainment,  $145.50 

Do.          Extras  during  the  month,  20.50 

Do.         Keplenishment  account,  5.25 

$171.25 

All  dues  remaining  unpaid  at  the  expiration  of  fifteen  days 
from  this  date,  will  be  assessed  ten  per  cent,  in  addition. 

Rec'd  Payment." 

Of  course,  we  at  once  returned  the  same  to 
the  President,  with  our  compliments,  stating 
a  mistake,  no  doubt,  had  been  made  in  the  use 
of  our  names,  as  we  never  kept  a  "  Keplenish 
ment  account ;  "  invariably  settled  for  every 
article  called  for  at  the  time  of  so  doing  ;  had 
never  ordered  any  "  extras  "  —  neither  of  us 
using  wine  or  cigars,  and  had  never  given  an 
entertainment  to  our  knowledge,  in  our  lives. 

These  bills  were  immediately  returned  to 
us  with  the  following  incomprehensible  letter. 

TIMOTHY  THISTLE,  and  SOLOMON  DOOLITTLE,  ESQR'S. 

GENTLEMEN  :  —  Enclosed,  please  find  bill 
"  extras  "  which  I  hereby  return  ;  the  same 


128 

having  been  submitted  to  our  Secretary  for 
his  examination  and  found  entirely  correct. 
Permit  me  to  remind  you,  gentlemen,  of  the 
evening  entertainment  on  the  8th  ult.  The 
expense,  thus  accruing,  you  forget  should  be 
charged  to  your  individual  account ;  other 
wise,  there  would  be  entailed  expenditures 
on  the  part  of  many  gentlemen  not  present, 
and  who  took  no  special  interest  on  that  occa 
sion.  As  you  must  acknowledge  you  were  the 
"  cause,"  you  will  not  be  long  discerning  the 
"  effect."  It  is  also  customary  for  each  mem 
ber  elect,  whether  as  an  honorary  or  active 
member  of  the  "  Corporate  Body,"  to  thus 
recognize  the  hospitalities  extended  towards 
him  on  our  part.  Our  Secretary  has  there 
fore  divided  this  expense  and  assessed  you 
in  equal  sums. 

The  attention  paid  to  several  Government 
officials,  and  various  distinguished  invited 
guests  during  the  month  past,  necessitates  a 
small  assessment,  to  defray  the  current  ex 
pense  of  these  pleasant  obligations.  I  am 
happy  to  say,  the  item,  however,  is  smaller 
than  usual  at  this  season,  and  amounts  to  a 
trifle  for  each,  when  divided  among  so  many 


129 

honorary,  active*  and  fine-members.  The  item 
referred  to  under  the  head  of  "  Replenishment 
account/'  is  under  the  more  immediate  con 
trol  of  the  Steward,  and  the  assessment  only 
covers  the  running  expenses  of  his  depart 
ment,  embracing  that  of  broken-crockery,  fur 
niture,  &c. ;  contingent  expenses  connected 
with  our  prosperity.  You  will,  I  trust,  ac 
knowledge  great  propriety  and  consideration 
on  the  part  of  every  official  duty  connected 
with  our  association,  and  though  the  charges 
may  appear  proportionately  large,  not  the  less 
just.  With  respect,  I  remain, 

Your  Ob't.  Ser'vt., 
GEORGE  WASHINGTON  SMITH,  President,  fyc.,  fyc. 

Immediately  on  receipt  of  this  letter,  I  sent 
for  Mr.  Doolittle,  who  lost  no  time  in  calling 
at  my  room.  The  second  scene  in  this  new 
drama  here  took  place.  The  letter  from  the 
President  was  read  and  re-read,  and  voted  to 
be  laid  under  the  table ;  whereupon  the 
"  House  "  resolved  itself  into  a  committee-of- 
the-whole,  to  take  immediate  action  thereon ; 
Mr.  Doolittle,  drawing  a  chair  to  one  side  of 
the  fire-place  while  I  occupied  another  on  the 
opposite  side,  we  sat  and  looked  at  each  other 


130 

for  the  space  of  five  minutes  without  a  motion 
being  made,  although  a  good  deal  of  emotion 
was  experienced.  Finally,  said  I,  "  Mr.  Doo- 
little,  what  have  you  to  say  to  this  new  de 
velopment  ;  this  imposition  just  brought  to 
light  ?  Were  not  my  former  surmises  correct, 
and  do  we  exist  in  the  body?  Did  I  not, 
after  all,  pass  over  the  river,  and  have  I  not 
landed  on  an  island  inhabited  by  the  most 
depraved  spirits  ?  " 

"Mr.  Thistle,"  said  Mr.  Doolittle,  "I  am 
hourly  more  convinced  of  the  total  depravity 
of  the  human  heart,  the  complete  fall  of  man, 
and  the  most  urgent  need  of  a  regenerating 
influence  that  has  not  reached  our  extreme 
necessities.  Jam  satisfied  of  an  earthly  exis 
tence,  for  no  such  imposition  as  this  would  be 
perpetrated  in  any  other  sphere.  I  have  no 
doubt  as  to  the  custom  referred  to,  in  the 
President's  letter;  but  the  'justice,'  to  which 
our  attention  is  called,  is  not  in  accordance 
with  my  sentiment  of  right. 

We  have  each  paid  the  sum  of  twenty  dol 
lars,  '  entrance  fees,'  and  any  farther  demand 
upon  us  is  clearly  extortion.  '  Government 
officials  and  distinguished  invited  guests,'  I 


131 

have  never  heard  of  until  now.  I  remember 
seeing  a  happy  set  of  faces  moving  about  the 
premises,  beneath  which  various  decorations 
were  constantly  displayed  and  confess  that 
during  my  intercourse,  I  was  pleased  with  all 
whom  I  met.  But  let  us  analyze  this  letter  ; 
'there  would  be  entailed  expenditures  on  the 
part  of  many  gentlemen  not  present,  and 
who  took  no  special  interest  on  that  occa 
sion.' 

That  appears  to  meet  our  case,  Mr.  Thistle. 
As  for  the  l  Replenishment  account/  we  will 
repudiate  such  an  absurdity:  neither  of  us  has 
broken  a  single  article  of  crockery  or  glass 
ware,  nor  injured  the  furniture  of  the  asso 
ciation  to  the  value  of  one  farthing.  We  will 
repudiate  the  entire  bill ;  and  as  we  witnessed 
'  cause  and  effect '  on  a  previous  occasion,  we 
will  now  take  a  second  look  at  the  same." 

"Mr.  Doolittle,"  said  I,  "You  talk  like  a 
philosopher.  Only  words  of  wisdom  fall  from 
your  lips  ;  your  mind  is  fertile  in  practical 
resolves,  and  we  will  repudiate  this  unheard 
of  demand.  That's  the  word,  '  repudiate  ! ' 
Advise  President  Smith,  at  once,  of  our  de 
termination."  "If  such  is  your  desire,  Mr. 


132 

Thistle,  I  will  do  so  ;  as  for  myself,  I  am  de 
termined  never  to  pay  this  bill,"  said  Mr. 
Doolittle.  "  It  is  not  only  my  intention,"  said 
I,  "  to  follow  your  example,  Mr.  Doolittle,  but 
I  ask  you  to  join  with  me  immediately  in 
sending  in  our  resignation  as  members  of  the 
Club.  I  will  not  associate  with  such  unscrupu 
lous  persons.  We  were  never  notified  of  such 
expectations  being  met  on  our  part,  and  with 
out  further  hesitation,  we  should  advise  the 
proper  parties,  that  we  no  longer  retain  mem 
bership,  and  solemnly  repudiate  the  demand." 
Seizing  a  pen,  Mr.  Doolittle  wrote  the  fol 
lowing  communication,  and  immediately  dis 
patched  it  to  the  President's  room. 

"  GEORGE  WASHINGTON  SMITH,  ESQ.,  Prest.  C.  B.  S.  F., 

DEAR  SIR: — We  are  in  receipt  of  your 
letter,  in  response  to  ours  under  date  —  ult., 
informing  you  of  a  supposed  error  existing  in 
sundry  charges,  to  which  you  again  call  our 
attention,  desiring  us  to  notice  the  '  propriety  ' 
and  'justice  '  as  shown  therein. 

Neither  of  the  undersigned  can  discover 
the  '  propriety,'  much  less  the  '  justice,'  al 
luded  to,  and  can  only  discern  great  impro 
priety  in  this  unlocked  for  assessment. 


133 

Who,  we  ask,  ordered  the  entertainment  on 
the  evening  of  our  second  appearance  at  the 
Club-House  ?  Who,  —  to  bring  the  illustra 
tion  of  'justice  '  nearer  home  —  invited  (  Gov 
ernment  officials  and  distinguished  guests/ 
to  partake  of  hospitalities  at  our  individual 
expense,  and  who  took  '  no  special  interest  on 
that  occasion  ? '  how  many  broken  goblets, 
plates,  looking-glasses,  or  chairs,  should  we 
be  accountable  for,  having  l  no  special  inter 
est  on  that  occasion  ?  ' 

You  will  convey  our  profound  respect  to 
the  Steward,  having  charge  of  the  '  running 
expense/  connected  with  his  department,  and 
add  our  opinion,  that  the  prospect  of  the  race 
has  the  appearance  at  present,  of  lasting  at 
least '  thirty  and  ten  days.' 

Respectfully,  but  most  decidedly  do  we 
repudiate  the  bill :  declaring  our  unwilling 
ness  to  pay  the  same,  and  tendering  you  our 
unqualified  withdrawal  of  membership  from 
the  '  Corporate  Body  of  Select  Few/  over 
which  you  have  the  honor  to  preside. 
Respectfully,  &c.,  &c., 

SOLOMOX  DOOLITTLE, 
TIMOTHY  THISTLE." 


134 

This  letter  was  read  by  the  Secretary  of 
the  Board,  at  the  next  meeting  of  the  Direct 
ors.  In  consideration  of  what  had  passed,  it 
was  deemed  best  to  grant  our  withdrawal, 
and  drop  the  subject  entirely.  A  letter 
couched  in  respectful  language  was  received 
from  President  Smith  in  reply,  conveying  the 
kind  wishes  of  the  members  of  the  Club,  re 
gretting  our  determination,  and  granting  us 
an  honorable  discharge,  with  the  privilege  to 
use  the  initials  of  the  "  Corporate  Body." 
Since  then,  neither  Mr.  Doolitle  nor  myself 
has  met  at  the  Club-House. 

Occupying  the  same  room  at  the  hotel,  as 
I  formerly  did,  we  daily  take  our  meals  at  the 
restaurant ;  where  we  listen  to  the  same 
clatter  of  dishes,  and  the  urgent  call,  as  of 
yore,  for  "  Pork  and  Beans,  with  plenty  of 
pork."  How  often  have  I  wished  that  such 
wants  could  be  made  known  by  "  signs  and 
symbols." 

.Colonel  Thompson  and  lady,  residing  in  a 
suburban  district,  —  where  they  enjoy  not 
only  the  comforts,  but  also  the  luxuries  of 
life  —  invited  my  companion  and  self  to  pass 
a  few  days,  as  their  guests.  The  Colonel 


135 

having  once  been  a  member  of  this  "  Corpor 
ate  Body/'  and  learning  of  the  late  irregu 
larities  of  the  association,  desired  a  true 
version  of  the  circumstances  from  our  own 
lips ;  we  therefore  willingly  recited  our  ad 
venture  to  the  family  while  all  were  seated 
around  a  cheerful  fire  ;  after  which  our  con 
versation  naturally  turned  to  the  subject  of 
boarding. 

Few  persons  possessed  the  will,  as  well  as 
means,  to  carry  out  such  genuine  hospitality 
as  did  Colonel  and  Mrs.  Thompson.  The 
buoyant  disposition  of  both,  —  reflecting  far 
and  near  —  cast  a  halo  of  light  around  their 
acts,  and  the  fortunate  guest  of  the  Colonel 
and  his  wife,  was  a  happy  and  enviable  person 
in  society. 

During  a  conversation  regarding  marriage, 
the  Colonel  advanced  strong  arguments  in. 
favor  of  forming  such  association  in  early 
life.  Mrs.  Thompson  produced  arguments  — 
equally  convincing  —  in  favor  of  a  more  de 
liberate  and  cautious  course  to  be  pursued, 
in  reference  to  the  selection  of  a  partner  for 
life.  "  Why  !  "  said  the  Colonel,  "  what's  the 
use  of  deferring  these  matters ;  a  lady  of 


136 

eighteen  is  as  well  fitted  to  begin  presid 
ing  over  her  house-hold,  as  she  will  be 
at  five  and  twenty  ;  all  must  learn,  and  the 
earlier  the  lesson  is  taught,  the  better  and 
more  effective  will  it  be.  A  lady  of  eighteen 
can  entertain  her  friends,  look  after  her 
"  help,"  darn  a  stocking,  sew  on  a  button,  and 
make  her  husband  as  comfortable,  as  a  woman 
of  five  and  forty."  "  Not  'five  and  forty,'  Col 
onel,"  said  Mrs.  Thompson,  "  say  five  and 
twenty."  "Well;  'five  and  twenty,'"  re 
sponded  the  Colonel.  "  A  single  woman  who 
has  seen  twenty-five  years,  may  have  experi 
enced  seven  years  of  "dissipation,"  that  should 
have  been  put  to  a  better  purpose.  I  married 
you,  Mrs.  Thompson,  at  eighteen.  What  have 
you  to  say  to  that  ?  " 

"  I  should  have  been  better  prepared  to 
have  filled  the  important  sphere,"  said  Mrs. 
Thompson,  "  had  I  waited  until  I  was  twenty, 
or  two  and  twenty.  Now  listen,"  she  contin 
ued.  "A  lady  of  two  and  twenty,  who  has 
received  a  good  education,  —  been  reared 
under  proper  influences,  ever  free  from  con 
tentions,  and  who  is  amiable  in  her  disposi 
tion,  domestic  in  her  habits,  and  possesses 


137 

good  common-sense,  is  to  be  the  subject  of 
my  eulogy.  Such  will  have  seen  something 
of  the  world ;  the  glitter  of  external  appear 
ances  will  have  few  attractions  for  one  who 
has  placed  '  happiness  '  —  in  its  most  exalted 
sense,  as  the  great  aim  of  life  —  in  the  scale, 
and  watched  the  immovable  balance,  as  Rank, 
Wealth  and  Power,  with  their  broad  alluring 
avenues,  leading  even  to  Thrones,  each  in 
their  turn,  unable  to  outweigh  this  priceless, 
heaven-born  inheritance. 

Position  in  society  is  desirable  ;  but  it  must 
spring  from  personal  worth ;  then,  the  great 
banker  of  human  destiny  will  never  dishonor 
the  draft,  for  there  must  ever  be  found  a 
safe  balance  to  the  credit  of  the  owner.  At 
eighteen,  few  girls  know  themselves  ;  to  such, 
attentions  are  dazzling;  features,  forms  and 
estates,  are  about  all  that  they  think  of,  while 
the  two  former  are  sufficient  to  captivate  most 
young  ladies  of  the  present  day." 

Turning  to  me,  Mrs.  Thompson  asked,  "  Mr. 
Thistle,  do  you  know  what  constitutes  a  mar 
riageable  lady,  of  the  nineteenth  century?" 
I  looked  at  my  friend  Doolittle,  and  he  at  me  ; 
we  both  turned  our  eyes  towards  the  Colonel, 


138 

and  then,  all  of  us,  upon  those  of  Mrs.  Thomp 
son.  I  knew  what  a  woman  should  be,  but 
possessing  little  practical  experience  of  what 
she  is;  I  was  obliged  to  acknowledge,  I  did 
not  know.  "  My  friend  Doolittle,"  said  I,  "  is 
a  better  judge,  as  he  has  been  engaged  four 
or  five  times,  while  I  never  realized  that  pleas 
ure,  or  experienced  the  chameleon  changes 
naturally  contingent  to  such  a  variation  in 
feeling."  "  Well !  gentlemen ;  let  me  give 
you  my  opinion,"  said  Mrs.  Thompson,  "  and 
if  wrong,  the  Colonel  will  correct  me,  and  if 
not  correct  in  your  opinion,  you  can  easily 
convince  me,  by  a  fair  refutation  of  the  views 
I  entertain. 

Every  woman  at  the  age  of  two,  or  five  and 
twenty,  must  possess  some  knowledge  of 
household  duties.  Home  lessons  only,  will 
have  prepared  her  in  the  first  steps  of  this 
obligation.  I  say  obligation,  for  it  is  her  duty 
to  have  acquired  sufficient  knowledge  in  this 
respect,  to  commence  house-keeping,  however 
humble  the  condition.  She  should  under 
stand,  —  if  not  called  upon  to  execute  — •  all 
the  ordinary  duties  connected  with  every  de 
partment  of  her  charge.  Menial  occupation 


139 

is  not  her  sphere  ;  those  whom  circumstances 
designed  to  perform  this  labor,  should  be 
under  the  guiding  hand  of  economy  and  the 
watchful  eye  of  frugality;  while  good  com 
mon-sense  should  direct  reason,  to  open  or 
close  such  avenues,  as  shall  only  connect  a 
practical  use  of  all  things,  with  life's  duties. 
True,  experience  will  become  the  great 
teacher,  after  all ;  but  experience  can  only 
be  known  by  seeking  its  acquaintance.  Turn 
whatever  way  we  may,  this  monitor  through 
life,  —  often  encouraging  in  its  prospects  —  is 
still  no  less  constant  and  remindful  in  its 
warning. 

Disposition,  —  natural  or  cultivated  —  is 
one  of  the  greatest  requisites  to  life's  success. 
Turbulent,  revengeful,  unforgiving,  fault-find 
ing,  jealous  and  meddlesome  people,  can  only 
meet  fit  companions  among  those,  who  possess 
little  self-regard,  and  as  little  self-control. 

To  these  desirable  traits,  if  we  add  the 
graces  of  charity,  and  unselfishness,  sincerity 
of  purpose,  fidelity  of  action,  and  firmness  of 
character,  we  combine  the  essentials  of  what 
should  constitute  woman's  character ;  and  she, 
who  has  lost  the  key  to  either  of  these  treas- 


140 

ures,  must  live,  deprived  herself,  and  depriv 
ing  others  of  its  advantages.  The  word 
"Home,"  with  its  suggestive  claims,  —  not 
its  too  often  attending  circumstances  —  de 
mands  from  you,  who  are  single,  the  fulfillment 
of  an  obligation  to  society,  and  that  you  no 
longer  place  your  light,  however  brilliant, 
where  so  little  reflection  can  be  seen  by 
others,  or  conceal  your  treasure  in  a  napkin." 

"  Mr.  Thompson  "  saicl  I,  "  does  that  lady 
come  up  to  the  standard  of  her  teachings ; 
does  she  approach  the  portals  of  that  temple 
illumined  by  such  a  divine  ray  ?  " 

"Yes, sir!  and  more  too,"  said  the  Colonel. 

"  Mrs.  Thompson,"  I  inquired,  "  have  you 
any  unmarried  sisters,  and  if  so,  would  a 
single  gentleman  of  five  and  forty,  have  ac 
quired  sufficient  experience  to  combine  his 
destinies  with  one  of  them,  or  with  any  other 
of  your  female  relatives?  I  have  no  doubt 
my  friend  Doolittle  would  accept  the  refusal 
of  another." 

My  remarks  caused  considerable  merriment; 
I  had  become  worked  up  to  the  idea  of  mar 
riage  within  the  last  five  minutes,  and  all 
through  the  glowing  representation  to  which 


141 

I  had  attentively  listened.  My  friend  Doo- 
little  looked  a  little  gruffly  at  the  unsolicited 
proposition,  I  had  made,  in  his  behalf,  regard 
ing  a  "  refusal ;  "  having  in  my  mind  the  ro'om 
he  had  lately  engaged  on  certain  conditions, 
and  not  dreaming  of  the  several  broken  en 
gagements  to  which  my  remarks  would  seem 
ingly  refer. 

"•I  should  be  most  happy  to  introduce  you, 
as  well  as  Mr.  Doolittle,  to  any  of  my  female 
friends,"  said  Mrs.  Thompson  ;  "  beyond  that, 
gentlemen,  I  leave  parties  to  make  their  own 
selections." 

"  Mr.  Thompson/'  said  I,  "  you  never  found 
such  a  treasure  as  your  wife,  in  an  ordinary 
'  napkin.'  I  have  been  opposed  to  too  much 
cloth,  generally  displayed  in  dining-room  fur 
niture  ;  but  an  entire  table-cloth  would  never 
be  sufficiently  large  to  conceal  her."  Finding 
myself  a  good  deal  animated  on  this  occasion, 
and  fearing  my  compliments  would  be  miscon 
strued,  and  that  my  habits  had  become  "  fixed," 
I  thrust  both  hands  beneath  the  skirts  of  my 
coat,  and  walking  to  the  window,  attempted 
to  hum  off  the  perfect  whirl  of  thought  in 
which  I  found  my  brain. 


142 

By  the  watch,  I  discovered  my  pulse  now 
reached  eighty ;  and  as  sixty-seven  was  the 
usual  pressure  carried  on  ordinary  occasions, 
I  could  see  that  something  was  wrong  some 
where.  Thanking  Mrs.  Thompson  for  the 
new  light  she  had  thrown  upon  married  life, 
and  proposing  a  walk  over  the  grounds  at 
tached  to  the  house,  Mr.  Doolittle  and  myself 
passed  out  of  a  side  door  and  soon  found  our 
selves  in  further  discussion  of  this  interesting 
topic. 

I  advanced  the  proposition  to  immediately 
change  our  state  of  single  unusefulness  for 
one  possessing  all  the  advantages  so  attract 
ively  pictured  to  our  minds.  I  saw  before  me 
a  world  of  comfort,  a  sea  of  bliss,  a  haven  of 
rest.  Mr.  Doolittle  endeavored  to  persuade  me 
to  act  with  due  caution  and  great  deliberation. 

He  had  been  on  the  "  verge  of  ruin  "  sev 
eral  times,  knew  hundreds  of  married  men 
who  were  as  unhappy  as  they  could  be,  and 
could  not  conscientiously  coincide  in  my  pro 
posed  plans.  He  cited  the  example  of  Colonel 
and  Mrs.  Thompson's  married  life  as  one  in  a 
million,  and  the  latter's  equal,  not  to  be  found 
on  the  face  of  the  globe.  —  Would  not  deter 


143 

me  from  duty,  —  did  not  blame  any  man  for 
putting  his  light  on  the  top,  rather  than  under 
a  bushel,  if  it  would  only  burn  there  ;  —  had 
several  times  placed  his  own  candle  in  a  con 
spicuous  place,  but  a  sudden  gust  of  wind,  or 
the  turning  upside  down  of  the  measure  on 
which  it  stood,  or  the  stumbling  up  stairs 
with  the  candle-stick,  (but  oftener  down,  I 
should  judge,  from  the  nature  of  the  bruises 
represented)  had  convinced  him,  that  his 
present  course  was, —  all  things  considered  — 
the  wisest. 

The  last  "  engagement "  which  Mr.  Doo- 
little  appeared  to  take  much  interest  in,  he 
said  would  have  been  a  success,  "  had  it 
lasted  a  trifle  longer."  The  candle,  in  this 
instance,  having  already  burned  to  the  socket, 
all  that  remained,  I  infer,  dropped  through, 
or  perhaps  smoking  badly,  it  was  found  expe 
dient  to  place  an  extinguisher  on  the  "  flick 
ering  flame,"  but  if  so,  he  did  not  state  who 
performed  the  last  humane  act. 

Returning  to  the  city,  Mr.  Doolittle  and 
myself  separated  at  the  depot,  each  to  attend 
to  his  ordinary  vocation,  —  my  time  being 
mostly  engaged  in  procuring  subscriptions  in 


144 

behalf  of  a  great  reform  measure  which  was 
to  be  brought  to  the  notice  of  the  "  General 
Court "  at  their  next  general  sitting. 

Massachusetts  has  been  and  ever  will  be, 
the  great  pioneei.  in  the  cause  of  right  and 
justice.  The  laws  enacted  by  the  "  Court," 
are  generally  adopted  by  other  states.  The 
first  duty  of  all  other  legislative  bodies  on 
this  continent,  has  been  immediately  after 
convening,  to  order  the  reading  of  enactments 
sanctioned  by  the  "  General  Court ;  "  and,  in 
several  instances,  this  duty  —  very  appro 
priately  —  has  taken  precedence  of  the  de 
livery  of  the  Governor's  message. 

The  measure  to  which  I  refer,  (and  I  here 
give  publicity  to  this  anticipated  reform, 
trusting  thereby  it  may  receive  the  early 
attention  of  our  friends  on  the  continent,  and 
so  meet  with  their  approval  as  to  merit  pecu 
niary  aid,  of  which  we  stand  in  pressing 
need)  is,  the  revival  of  the  wholesome  laws, 
held  so  sacred  by  our  illustrious  sires,  and  by 
some  oversight,  disregarded  by  many  of  their 
degenerate  sons  :  I  refer  to  the  "  smoking 
or  chewing  of  tobacco,  within  the  distance  of 
two  miles  of  any  habitation." 


145 

We  are  sure  of  the  passage  of  this  law,  but 
"  wolves  in  sheep's  clothing,"  have  weighed 
it  down  with  the  addition  of  a  clause,  —  taken 
from  the  "  Puritan's  Guide  Book  "  —  to  pre 
vent  a  man  "  kissing  his  own  wife  on  the 
Sabbath,"  the  continuance  of  which  practice, 
they  claim  is  in  direct  violation  of  the  fourth 
commandment,  and  by  this  one  offence  break 
ing  the  entire  Mosaic  code.  The  enthusiastic 
individuals  who  drafted  this  bill,  omitted 
every  thing  referring  to  another  man's  wife, 
wherein  the  greatest  danger  exists.  Should 
the  "  General  Court  "  adopt  the  present  lan 
guage  of  the  framer's  of  this  proposed  new 
law,  considerable  work,  no  doubt,  will  at  once 
fall  into  the  hands  of  the  State  Constabulary, 
which  I  am  proud  to  say,  is  composed  of 
a  most  zealous  and  disinterested  band  of 
brothers,  who  swerve  not  from  performing 
their  duties,  without  fear  or  favor.  The  last 
word  should  be  printed  in  italics ;  I  notice, 
however,  it  is  not  customary  to  discriminate, 
when  every  virtue  stands  out  equally  promi 
nent. 

The  words  of  Mrs.  Colonel  Thompson  were 
constantly  in  my  thoughts.  The  picture  of 
10 


146 

perfect  bliss  so  artistically  drawn,  —  the  real 
ization  of  which  would  prolong  life  and  give 
to  my  existence  that  wanting  link,  connecting 
the  soul  with  things  ethereal  —  became  a 
subject  of  deep  and  earnest  meditation. 

Mr.  Doolittle's  experience  I  valued ;  but, 
as.  he  had  never  possessed  these  joys,  as  he 
had  only  grasped  at  the  shadow  without 
reaching  the  substance,  I  did  not  seek  his 
advice  on  this  occasion.  I  remembered  the 
care-worn  appearance  of  the  several  married 
gentlemen  I  had  formerly  met  at  the  Club- 
House,  and  their  words  of  devotion  for  their 
families,  —  which  at  this  time  I  realized —  had 
great  weight  on  my  mind.  I  did  not  feel 
inclined,  however,  to  become  too  much  at 
tached  to  woman,  or  even  to  any  one  object ; 
and  wondered  how  I  could  reconcile  my 
former  ideas  of  married  life,  with  that  rep 
resented  as  being  the  only  true  one,  and 
possessing  such  unalloyed  happiness. 

Saying  nothing  to  my  friend  Doolittle,  I 
called  on  Mrs.  Thompson,  who,  agreeably  to 
her  promise, introduced  me  to  several  of  her 
acquaintances,  regretting  she  had  no  sisters 
to  add  to  the  attraction.  It  was  not  long 


147 

before  my  intentions  became  known,  as  it 
was  circulated  I  was  "  in  the  market."  In 
vitations  began  to  flow  in,  parties  were 
given  especially  for  my  entertainment,  pic 
nics  planned  two  seasons  in  advance,  Euro 
pean  tours  traveled  over  and  over  on  the 
map,  until  the  attractions  connected  with 
Palestine  and  Jerusalem  had  become  as  famil 
iar  as  those  surrounding  the  Frog  Pond  on 
Boston  Common.  It  was  "  Mr.  Thistle  "  here, 
and  "  Mr.  Thistle  "  there ;  I  never  imagined 
I  was  entitled  to  one  hundredth  part  of  the 
honors  now  showered  upon  me.  I  began  to 
think  I  had  better  elevate  my  "  designs,"  and 
when  I  should  propose,  do  it  in  view  of  the 
lady's  temporal  as  well  as  spiritual  comfort, 
as  I  had  discovered  it  would  cost  something 
to  realize  the  ordinary  comforts  of  life,  to  say 
nothing  of  the  anticipations  of  many,  whose 
acquaintance  I  thus  made. 

Every  one,  unfortunately,  had  formed  an 
idea  I  was  quite  wealthy,  but  no  one  could  de 
scribe  exactly  in  what  my  property  consisted ; 
and  therefore  concluded  my  means  must  be 
invested  in  Government  securities. 

During  all  this  time,  it  was  difficult  for  me 


148 

to  engage  in  my  correspondence,  owing  to 
the  frequent  calls  of  my  friend  Doolittle.  He 
was  never  inquisitive,  although  often  express 
ing  his  surprise  at  the  diligence  manifested 
on  my  part,  while  engaged  in  writing  at  my 
table.  He  thought  I  had  a  good  deal  of 
scribbling  to  perform  all  at  once,  and  advised 
me  to  use  larger  sheets  of  paper,  so  that  I 
could  say  more  at  one  time,  and  not  be  con 
stantly  writing  on  such  small  and  nonsensical 
"scraps."  He  even  volunteered  his  opinion 
as  to  the  manner  of  folding  my  letters,  and 
thought  the  style  of  envelopes  I  employed 
unbecoming  that  of  a  "  business  communi 
cation."  Taking  up  a  blank  sheet  of  note 
paper  and  discovering  a  large  "T,"  highly  .col 
ored,  at  the  top,  he  remarked,  I  had  become 
extravagant  or  else  I  was  in  love ;  and  that 
either  was  equally  expensive  and  about  as 
useless.  "  However,  go  on,"  said  he  ;  "  put 
your  candle-stick  as  high  as  you  please,  Mr. 
Thistle,  and  when  you  require  any  advice 
regarding  love-affairs,  please  send  for  me.  I 
profess  to  have  had  some  experience  in  such 
matters." 

The  glance  Mr.  Doolittle  gave  me,  I  shall 


149 

never  forget.  This  man,  thoroughly  disap 
pointed, —  who  had  gone  the  wrong  way  to 
work  to  accomplish  his  designs,  —  often  did 
not  wait  long  enough  for  engagement  ideas 
to  culminate,  —  sometimes  deferring  action 
until  two  ideas  could  not  be  found  worthy  of 
being  united,  what  did  he  know,  I  asked  my 
self,  about  the  refulgence  of  that  light,  darting 
from  a  ray  of  ethereal  bliss  ?  How  could  he 
judge  her  whom  /  should  select,  and  who 
would  possess  the  attributes  of  Perfection  ? 

"  Friend  Doolittle,"  said  I,  "  I  am  unable  to 
state  what  may  be  the  result  of  my  corre 
spondence.  I  don't  know  that  I  shall  ever 
realize  one-half  of  my  anticipations  ;  but  I  am 
determined  to  try,  and  see  for  myself."  "  No 
objections,  Mr.  Thistle,"  said  my  friend,  "  I 
would  recommend  rather  than  dissuade.  Con 
tinue  to  cherish  your  glowing  expectations, 
but  when  you  are  entirely  through,  mark  the 
similarity  existing  between  this  play,  and  the 
honors  conferred  by  taking  the  degree  of 
'  Companion  of  the  Corporate-Body  of  Select 
Few.'  You'll  want  a  '  Sign  of  Distress,'  Mr. 
Thistle,  in  this  new  'journey '  of  life,  and  per 
haps  somebody  else  may  have  possession  of 
the  secret." 


150 

Such  insinuations  caused  the  immediate 
concentration  of  gun-powder  within  me,  and 
I  frankly  told  Mr.  Doolittle  that  every  one, 
making  such  selections  as  he  had,  and  con 
ducting  engagements  in  the  manner  related 
by  him,  deserved  disappointment  through 
life.  "  You  should  have  been  sure,  Mr.  Doo 
little  ;  certain  of  what  you  were  doing,"  I 
added. 

"  So  I  was  '  sure,'  and  very  '  certain '  I  was 
making  a  mistake,  Mr.  Thistle,  and  I  have 
never  regretted  the  result  in  either  case," 
said  my  friend. 

From  this  time  Mr.  Doolittle  did  not  refer 
to  my  course  of  action,  but  left  me  to  work 
out  my  experiment  entirely  in  my  own  way. 
Several  weeks  had  passed,  before  I  fully  de 
cided  to  whom  I  should  make  proposals  of 
marriage.  This  accomplished,  I  desired  as 
brief  a  period  of  correspondence  as  possible, 
having  already  exhausted  every  topic  I  could 
think  of. 

My  intended,  Miss  Stebbins,  I  understood 
had  inherited  about  thirty  thousand  dollars ; 
the  income  of  which,  together  with  the  per 
centage  received  on  my  subscription-list  for 


151 

moneys  thus  collected,  I  deemed  sufficient  to 
support  us  comfortably.  Even  throwing  aside 
the  income  from  my  own  estate,  —  consisting 
of  half  an  acre  of  swamp-land  —  and  the  prob 
ability  of  not  much  resulting  from  my  collec 
tion  fees,  I  considered  the  circumstances 
favorable,  quite  as  much  so  as  I  could  expect, 
if  not  fully  up  to  my  "  designs." 

Passing  the  door  of  an  auction-room,  I  en 
tered,  and  moved  toward  the  seller's  stand. 
I  heard,  "  twenty  dollars  —  do  I  hear  no 
more  ?  Twenty  dollars  once :  Twenty  dol 
lars  twice  ;  Why  !  gentlemen ;  this  lot  of 
household-furniture  cost  five  hundred  dollars. 
Every  article  is  not  only  useful,  but  abso 
lutely  necessary  for  house-keeping  purposes, 
and  I  am  only  offered  twenty  dollars.  Who 
says  twenty-one  ?  One  shall  I  have  ?  Twen 
ty-one,  and  down  she  goes.  Mr.  Thistle,  is 
that  you  ?  for  once,  you  are  the  right  man  in 
the  right  place.  Here's  a  lot  of  stuff  you 
can't  do  without ;  you've  got  to  buy  them 
some  time,  any  way  :  wash-tubs,  flat-irons, 
mops,  bathing-tub,  kitchen-table,  half  a  dozen 
sets  shovel  and  tongs,  a  couple  of  coal-hods, 
snow-shovel,  sardine-opener,  a  superb  lot  of 


blankets  and  window-shades,  a  capital  ice- 
chest,  lot  of  assorted  jars,  two  knife-boxes, 
table-brush,  kitchen  clock,  <fec.,  &c.,  too  val 
uable,  and  too  numerous  to  mention,  and 
I'm  only  offered  Twenty  dollars :  shall  I  say 
Twenty-owe,  Mr.  Thistle  ?  " 

I  nodded  my  head  to  the  auctioneer,  and, 
presto,  I  realized  I  was  almost  a  married  man. 
"  Twenty-one  dollars  and  given  away :  walk 
round  this  way,  Mr.  Thistle,"  said  the  auc 
tioneer,  pointing  to  the  cash-clerk,  "  and  you'll 
receive  a  bill.  As  the  articles  are  rather 
varied,  Mr.  Clerk,  you'll  please  lump  the 
whole  affair." 

Slightly  overcome  by  the  sudden  transfor 
mation  experienced  in  my  case,  I  sat  down  on 
one  of  the  articles,  which  I  afterwards  took 
to  be  a  bread-trough  on  rockers.  Finding  my 
seat  uncomfortable,  I  was  about  moving,  when 
an  elderly  lady  accosted  me,  and  inquired, 
"  Mister,  about  what  would  be  your  price  for 
this  'ere  cradle,  if  I  should  conclude  to  take 
it  ?  "  "  That's  a  bread-trough,  rnarm,"  said  I : 
"  you  never  saw  a  cradle  built  in  that  shape." 

"  '  A  bread-trough,'  "  responded  my  aged 
female  adviser,  "  why !  my  good  man,  that 


153 

'ere  cradle's  been  in  our  family  a-more  nor 
seventy  years  to  my  knowledge.  I  was 
rocked  to  sleep  in  that  same  '  bread-trough/ 
as  you  call  it,  and  that's  the  reason  I  prize  it. 
I  don't  want  to  part  with  it,  if  the  officer  did 
attach  it."  "  I  understand ;  you  were  the 
owner  and  desire  to  retain  the  thing,"  point 
ing  to  a  box  large  enough  to  rock  an  entire 
generation  in  at  once.  "  You  may  have  it, 
marm:  take  it  away,  and  every  thing  else 
belonging  to  that  specific  article  of  furniture 
that  I  may  have  purchased." 

I  was  a  good  deal  relieved  at  my  timely 
discovery  and  disposal  of  such  a  useless  piece 
of  furniture.  How  would  I  have  felt,  thought 
I,  to  have  invited  Miss  Stebbins  to  look  over 
my  entire  purchase?  and  what  would  Mr.  Doo- 
little  have  said,  had  he  heard  of  it?  The 
furniture  was  removed  by  my  carman,  and 
hurriedly  thrown  together  on  the  floor  of  a 
vacant  store-room. 

Miss  Stebbins  was  immediately  sent  for, 
and  an  examination  of  the  furniture  made, 
when  nearly  every  article  purchased  was 
found  either  broken,  or  so  completely  worn 
and  useless  as  to  be  of  little  or  no  value. 


154 

My  intended,  tossing  her  head  and  snapping 
her  handkerchief,  shrugging  her  shoulders, 
and  compressing  her  lips  into  an  ironical 
smile,  finally  recommended  me  to  "try  again." 
She  did  not  appear  to  place  much  value  on 
this,  my  first  speculation ;  said  little,  but  in 
sisted  upon  my  sending  the  "traps"  to  an 
open  lot,  and  making  a  bonfire  of  the  whole. 

I  felt  a  good  deal  mortified ;  and  as  soon 
as  circumstances  permitted,  I  made  an  effort 
to  dispose  of  the  "  traps."  Accordingly,  ac 
companying  a  dealer  in  second-hand  furniture 
to  my  store-house,  I  exhibited  the  lot,  extolled 
their  usefulness,  spoke  of  their  original  value 
as  represented  by  the  seller,  and  asked  him 
what  he  would  give. 

"Those  two  trundle-beds,"  said  he,  "are 
out  of  date.  That  crib  isn't  worth  store 
room  ;  nearly  every  hoop  is  off  the  wash-tubs ; 
that  old  ice-chest  I've  seen  before ;  lining 
completely  rusted  out.  The  blankets  are 
shoddy  affairs,  moth-eaten,  and  have  seen  a 
good,  deal  of  army  service.  Bath-tub's  bottom 
is  decayed ;  turn  it  over,  and  you'll  see  how 
it  looks.  Window-curtains  good  enough,  ex 
cept  for  the  lettering,  '  Wines,  Liquors  and 


.  155 

Cigars : '  can't  sell  these  things  in  Boston. 
That  kitchen-table  has  but  three  legs.  You 
bought  these  at  auction  ?  " 

"  Just  so,  just  so,"  said  I ;  adding,  "  How 
did  you  know  where  they  came  from ?  "  "I 
sent  a  good  many  of  these  articles  there,  my 
self/'  said  my  furniture  dealer,  "to  be  dis 
posed  of;  sorry  I  did  not  know  you  were 
buying  ;  could  have  saved  you  something." 

"  Well !  you  could,"  I  remarked,  "  and  you 
could  have  saved  me  a  vast  deal  of  mortifica 
tion  besides.  My  intended  has  seen  these 
things,  and  returned  home,  having  formed  an 
unfavorable  impression,  I  fear ;  indeed,  I 
might  say  she  has,  —  quite  so ;  she  even 
recommended  me  to  burn  the  entire  lot." 

"  Well,"  said  my  furniture  dealer,  "  I  think 
her  opinion  worthy  of  consideration  ;  I  would 
recommend  pretty  much  the  same  course  to 
be  pursued.  These  traps  are  not  worth,  Mr. 
Thistle,  five  dollars  all  told.  I  would  not 
offer  that  for  them."  "  Did  I  understand  you 
to  say,"  I  asked,  "there  are  'trundle-beds,' 
1  cribs,  &c.,'  embraced  in  this  purchase,  ex 
posed  to  your  view,  and  which  you  recognize 
as  such  ?  " 


156 

"  What  once  were,  Mr.  Thistle ;  but  not 
much  left  of  them  now.  That  ice-chest,  how 
ever,  can  be  repaired,  but  it  will  cost  as  much 
as  it  comes  to.  The  army-blankets  are  worth 
nothing,  except  for  horse-blankets.  Twenty 
flat-irons,  worth  two  cents  a  pound,  for  old 
iron.  These  jars  may  bring  fifty  cents,  for 
the  lot.  I'll  give  you,  for  all,  four  dollars  and 
a  half,  and  pay  cartage,  and  not  a  farthing 
more.  All  other  articles  I  see  are  not  worth 
their  moving."  I  told  Mr.  Furniture-man  — 
and  the  original  proprietor  thereof —  to  take 
them  off  my  hands  at  his  own  price.  He 
passed  me  four  dollars  and  fifty  cents,  but 
here  did  not  end  all  the  circumstances  con 
nected  with  this  unfortunate  purchase. 

For  several  days  previous,  Miss  Stebbins 
appeared  more  distant  in  her  manners ;  less 
attracted  by  my  efforts  to  please,  and  disposed 
to  write  me  short  and  rather  formal  letters. 
In  character,  she  had  been  recommended  as 
the  embodiment  of  Mrs.  Thompson's  idea  of 
what  a  woman  should  be;  and,  indeed,  I  had 
until  within  a  few  days  considered  her  as 
almost  perfect. 

Receiving  a  note,  requesting  me  to  call  at 


157  * 

Miss  Stebbins'  residence,  I  hastened  to  com 
ply,  but  received,  unexpectedly,  a  cold  and 
comfortless  reception.  An  idea  occurred  to 
me,  that  this  might  be  done  in  order  to  test 
my  feelings  of  sincerity  ;  and,  perhaps,  to  see 
how  far  she  could  advance  in  the  way  of  pro 
motion  to  the  Captaincy  of  the  company,  of 
which  she  had  been,  thus  far,  an  active  mem 
ber.  I  listened  to  all  that  was  said,  and 
though  "  feelingly  expressed,"  I  could  not 
make  up  my  mind  that  her  remarks  were  in 
earnest.  She  alluded  to  the  unfortunate  ad 
vertisement,  the  flnore  unfortunate  "  introduc 
tory  exercises,"  the  nature  of  my  business, 
expressing  some  doubts  as  to  the  adequacy 
of  my  income  to  meet  family  expenses. 

Miss  Stebbins,  I  perceived,  had  received  a 
good  deal  of  valuable  information  from  some 
source ;  but  I  endeavored  to  explain  away  the 
unfortunate  events  that  had  occurred,  freely 
acknowledged  my  personal  income  to  be  small, 
but  expressed  myself  as  placing  great  confi 
dence  in  her  ability  and  disposition  to  supply 
every  such  deficiency  on  my  part,  through 
her  own  personal  resources. 

If  I  had  touched  off  a  powder-mill,  while 


*  158 

standing  within  the  walls  of  the  same,  I  could 
not  have  been  blown  higher,  or  more  effectu 
ally  out  of  sight.  "  Amiability  of  disposition," 
and  every  other  cardinal  virtue,  exploded  in 
rapid  succession.  I  sat  down,  and  after  col 
lecting  my  scattered  ideas,  inquired  if  she 
was  in  earnest,  or  doing  all  this  simply  to  test 
the  state  of  the  condition  of  my  present  in 
ternal  organization. 

Throwing  a  package  of  letters  into  my  lap, 
also  a  small  package  containing  a  copy  of 
Bunyan's  "  Pilgrim's  Progress,"  an  argument 
against  the  use  of  Tobacco,  and  in  favor  of  the 
passage  of  the  law  about  to  be  brought  to  the 
notice  of  the  "  General  Court,'7  and  a  lot  of 
tin-types  of  myself,  which  I  had  presented 
to  her  for  gratuitous  distribution  among 
inquiring  friends,  she  marched  out  of  the 
room,  slamming  half  a  dozen  doors  after  her,  as 
if  determined  to  seek  an  exclusively  retired 
spot. 

The  powder  in  my  composition  had  now 
commenced  concentrating.  I  was  more  pro 
voked  than  mortified,  and  felt  thankful  that 
my  friend  Doolittle's  prediction  had  developed 
itself  at  so  early  an  hour.  But  where  is  Doo- 


159 

little  himself?  thought  I.  Something  must 
be  done  on  my  part.  An  extinguisher  had 
been  put  on  my  candle,  by  completely  revers 
ing  the  position  of  the  luminary,  and  thrusting 
the  wick-end,  —  already  blown  out  —  as  far 
into  the  socket  as  possible. 

No  tumbling  headlong  from  attic  to  ceUar, 
with  a  candle  stick  in  both  hands,  no  typhoon 
tempest  of  the  China  sea,  could  have  so  com 
pletely  wrecked  my  anticipations,  or  more 
forcibly  convinced  me  of  the  utter  uncer 
tainty  of  all  "  temporal  blessings."  Doolittle, 
thought  I,  will  sympathize ;  to  him  will  I 
reveal  this  present  load  of  affliction.  Woman  ! 
how  distrustful,  how  dangerous,  how  sensi 
tive  about  small  things,  how  awfully  ex 
plosive  !  Gathering  up  my  several  remem 
brancers,  I  hastened  to  my  room,  and  prepared 
my  mind  for  a  full  recital  of  all  that  had 
transpired.  I  left  Miss  Stebbins  without 
saying  another  word  ;  in  fact,  could  not  find 
a  member  of  the  family  to  whom  I  could 
speak,  had  I  so  desired. 


She  marched  out  of  the  room,  slamming  half  a  dozen  doors  after  her. 
PAGE  158. 


VII. 

HOW  to  broach  the  subject  of  my  lute 
disaster  when  next  meeting  Mr.  Doo- 
little,  was  a  question  now  to  be  decided.  The 
early  hours  .of  the  evening  of  my  discomfiture, 
—  the  result  of  my  last  interview  with  Miss 
Stebbins  —  I  passed  in  mental  agony,  while 
nervously  pacing  the  floor  of  my  apartment 
and  realizing,  for  the  first  time,  my  complete 
isolation  from  the  world.  Life  and  beauty 
heretofore  exhibited  in  everything  around 
me,  now  wore  a  cold  and  gloomy  garb ;  while 
the  deathlike  aspect  pervading  all  external 
things,  proved  only  the  reflection  of  my  own 
frozen  heart.  The  sound  of  footsteps  was  but 
the  moving  of  some  dreaded  spirit,  possessed 
of  fire  unquenchable  :  the  whisper  of  a  voice 
was  the  premonition  of  an  outburst  of  fury, 
only  requiring  the  Crater  of  Vesuvius  through 
which  to  rage,  to  equal  its  volcanic  thundering 
or  calcining  power.  In  my  dreams  I  seemed 

11  161 


162 


to  see  a  host  of  objects  black,  deformed,  and 
fiendish  in  their  looks,  taking  possession  of 
the  place,  where  I  was  king.  Their  incan 
tations,  —  not  for  raising,  but  tormenting 
spirits  —  consisted  in  the  howling  of  my 
name. 

Starting  from  these  terrible  visions,  I  awoke, 
but  only  again  to  realize  deep  mortification 
and  disgrace  that  appeared  utterly  insur 
mountable.  How,  thought  I,  could  Mr.  Doo- 
little  survive  five  attacks  ?  No  doubt  one  or 
more  must  have  approached  the  horrors  of 
this  I  now  experience.  — "  Where  is  Doo- 
little,"  I  muttered,  "  where's  the  philosopher, 
the  friend  of  my  youth,  he  who  has  had  an 
unequaled  experience  in  matters  of  this 
kind  ?  " 

As  soon  as  politeness  would  permit,  I  dis 
patched  a  note  to  my  friend's  place  of  busi 
ness,  soliciting  an  early  interview,  as  I  had 
an  affair  of  vital  importance  to  present  for 
his  consideration. 

About  nine  o'clock  Mr.  Doolittle  made  his 
appearance.  A  patient,  suffering  from  a  com 
bined  attack  of  tooth-ache,  neuralgia,  rheuma 
tism,  gout,  and  cholera,  each  doing  its  utmosl 


163 

to  excel  the  other  in  proof  of  single  devotion 
to  the  cause,  and  attachment  to  the  possessor, 
could  not  have  been  more  depressed  in  re 
ceiving  a  visit  from  the  entire  medical  frater 
nity,  than  I  was  elated  and  consoled  when 
this  unaccountable,  philosophical,  humane  be 
ing,  so  seasonably  entered  my  room.  I  had 
''made  up  my  mind  to  control  my  feelings,  if 
possible,  and  submit  to  a  thorough  probing, 
even  to  dissection,  if  absolutely  necessary. 

No  man,  thought  I,  can  experience  many 
such  attacks  without  possessing  an  alterative, 
probably  only  known  to  a  dealer  in  patent- 
rights.  Mine  was  a  case  requiring  decisive 
and  immediate  action  ;  not  one.  to  solicit  the 
advice  of  one  physician  while  purchasing  the 
nostrums  of  another  and  finally  discarding  the 
administration  of  both,  which  latter  course,  if 
practical  in  general,  would  certainly  prove 
fatal  in  this  instance.  Besides,  I  could  not 
afford  to  expend  much  money  in  my  present 
researches  after  consolation. 

A  person  possessing  only  the  income  de 
rived  from  a  per-centage  on  all  moneys  re 
ceived  in  aid  of  the  cause  represented  on  my 
anti-tobacco  subscription  list,  together  with 


164 

the  mere  expectation  of  eventually  being  able 
to  rent  a  half-acre  of  swamp  land,  while  still 
suffering  great  depression  in  mind  from  un 
realized  anticipations  relating  to  pecuniary 
and  domestic  interests,  must  live  within  his 
resources,  and  mine  were  now  somewhat 

limited. 

> 
Between   Mr.   Doolittle   and   myself,  little 

ceremony  existed.  On  entering  my  room,  he 
threw  himself  listlessly  into  an  easy  chair, 
seized  a  morning  paper,  lifted  both  feet  to  the 
top  of  the  grate,  and  without  removing  his 
hat  commenced  running  over  the  shipping 
list  of  "  Arrivals  and  Departures."  My  face 
was  turned  fr;om  him  at  the  moment  he  en 
tered  the  room,  —  being  engaged  in  tying  up 
a  package  of  letters  which  were  intended 
soon  to  be  returned  to  the  infuriated  author 
ess  herself. 

"What's  up,  friend  Thistle?"  at  length 
asked  Mr.  Doolittle,  then  without  pausing  for 
an  answer,  he  continued,  "  I  see  there's  con 
siderable  activity  among  shippers  ;  "  (reading 
aloud)  "'The  Bark  Thistle  !'  — Why  !  here's 
your  name  — '  receives  quick  dispatch  ; '  —  and 
here's  your  intended's  name  ;  —  singular  coin- 


165 

cidence  !  'Clipper  Ship  Stebbins, —  no  com 
mander  yet  secured  ;  up  for  a  new  voyage  ; 
taken  off  the  old  line  ;  will  receive  an  entire 
new  outfit;  thoroughly  coppered  and  copper 
fastened,  also  to  be  fresh  painted,  &c.' " 
Turning  the  paper  over,  he  continued,  '"Do 
mestics  on  the  decline  ;  hops  active  ;  thrash 
ing  machines,  enough  for  present  demand  ; 
vinegar  quick  ;  vitriol  abundant.' 

You're  a  nice  man,  friend  Thistle,  engaged 
to  be  married  for  over  four  weeks,  and  yet 
have  never  permitted  me  to  condole  with  you. 
By  the  way,  I  am  well  acquainted  with  your 
intended.  How  do  you  both  progress  ? 
People  say  that  she's  already  been  engaged 
several  times ;  I  know  of  one  engagement 
only,  besides  that  of  yours,  which  I  can  speak 
of  with  any  certainty,  and  judge  from  what 
little  experience  I  possess,  you  won't  have 
much  care  after  being  married.  I  reckon 
she's  a  capable,  active,  thoughtful  and  ex 
pressive  woman  ;  any  thing  she  lays  her  hand 
to,  has  to  move.  Hope  you've  struck " 

"Stop!  stop!"  said  I,  "  stop*  right  where 
you  are,  Mr.  Doolittle.  I've  listened  ;  —  I've 
kept  cool,  —  I  am  cool ;  —  I'm*  not  excited  in 


166 

the  least,  —  I'm  calm,  perfectly  serene.  Look 
at  me  !  look  at  me,  Mr.  Doolittle."  Here  I 
sank  to  a  chair,  folding  both  hands  on  my  lap, 
while  my  disheveled  hair  looked  as  if  belong 
ing  to  an  upholsterer's  stock  of  picked  stuffing 
material,  and  my  eyes  as  if  out  on  a  furlough 
from  some  Insane  Asylum.  "  Gaze  on  me, 
Mr.  Doolittle,"  said  I,  " and  weep" 

Mr.  Doolittle  had  dropped  the  paper  when 
first  interrupted  by  my  appeal,  and  turned 
his  head  partially  towards  me,  his  counte 
nance  immediately  assuming  an  ironical  smile. 
He  still  continued  unconcernedly  to  sit  there, 
playfully  striking  the  tip  of  his  boot  with  a 
light  cane  which  he  occasionally  carried. 
"  What's  up  ?  what's  broke  now  ?  "  he  finally 
inquired. 

"  It's  all  up,"  said  I,  "  the  engagement  is 
broken,  everything  is  in  a  most  terrible  con 
dition  ;  my  head  is  crazed,  I'm  a  deranged 
man,  Mr.  Doolittle  ;  and  pray  tell  me  why  you 
have  not  long  since  been  an  inmate  of  a 
Lunatic  Asylum?" 

"  Do  I  understand  you  to  say,"  inquired 
Mr.  Doolittle,  in  a  remarkably  slow  and  plain 
tive  manner,  "  that  the  engagement  heretofore 


167 

existing  between  yourself  and  Miss  Spitfire 
Stebbins  is  now  brought  to  an  end  ?  "  "  I 
suppose/'  said  I,  "  that  is  the  present  state  of 
the  case  ;  you've  had  a  good  deal  of  experi 
ence  and  I  want  your  opinion." 

I  here  related  all  the  circumstances  of  our 
engagement,  from  the  commencement ;  read 
several  of  her  letters  and  was  proceeding  to 
read  others,  when  Mr.  Doolittle  informed  me 
it  was  not  necessary  to  continue,  in  order  for 
him  to  form  a  correct  opinion  in  regard  to  the 
affair. 

He  proceeded :  —  "  Well,  I've  had  just  such 
a  fuss  with  that  Spitfire  myself;  and  the 
letters  you  have  read  are  almost  a  correct 
copy  of  those  I  received,  with  only  the  change 
of  names.  Did  you  know  I  was  once  engaged 
to  this  same  Will-o-the-wisp  ?  " 

"  I  did  not ;  I  did  not,  I  assure  you,  Mr. 
Doolittle,"  said  I ;  "  will  you  continue  your 
remarks?  they  appear  to  be  of  such  a  nature 
as  may  bring  consolation  in  my  case." 

"  To  make  a  long  story  short,"  said  Mr. 
Doolittle,  "  neither  you  nor  myself  can  spend 
time  to  talk  over  this  matter  ;  you  have  made 
a  fortunate  escape.  Miss  Spitfire  is  all  palaver, 


168 

smiles  and  deceit.  She's  possessed  of  a  good 
mind,  it's  true  ;  and  of  graceful,  attractive 
manners  ;  but  she's  not  the  owner  of  a  thou 
sand  dollars  in  her  own  right,  as  the  invest 
ment  of  her  funds  proved  a  ruinous  specula 
tion,  for  which  she  has  no  one  to  blame  but 
herself.  I  was  engaged  to  this  same  person, 
and  although  I  never  mention  names  until 
necessity  requires,  as  in  this  case,  may  I  ask 
if  she  never  alluded  to  me  during  your  ac 
quaintance  ?  " 

"  Never  !  Mr.  Doolittle  ;  "  I  replied,  "  never 
in  her  life.  I  once  indirectly  spoke  of  you 
in  course  of  conversation,  but  she  requested 
me  to  preserve  the  greatest  secrecy  regard 
ing  our  affairs,  and  be  very  particular  never 
to  allow  her  name  to  fall  from  my  lips  in  the 
presence  of  any  one.  But  tell  me,  Mr.  Doo 
little,  what  shall  I  now  do  to  occupy  the  same 
position  in  society  as  I  formerly  did  ?  How 
can  this  whole  matter  be  settled,  my  mind 
relieved  from  this  terrible  excitement,  and  I, 
once  more,  restored  to  the  confidence  of  the 
public?  "What  you  have  intimated  has  already 
removed  a  mountain  of  care  and  anxiety  from 
my  mind.  Give  me  your  recipe  for  a  complete 


169 

recovery  from  this  disease  and  I  shall  be  the 
most  grateful  of  all  mortals." 

"I  will  do  so,"  said  Mr.  Doolittle.  "First, 
place  that  package  of  letters  —  intended  I 
judge  for  Miss  Stebbins  —  in  the  fire  place. 
Next,  put  your  candle  back  under  the  bushel 
where  it  rightfully  belongs,  and  don't  forget 
what  I  shall  now  say.  Hereafter,  keep  your 
mind  on  your  business;  if  your  business  is  in 
that  half-acre  of  swamp  land  you  own,  borrow 
a  hoe,  —  if  you  do  not  possess  one  —  and 
commence  digging  immediately  for  a  deposit 
of  cut-diamonds ;  when  you  find  these,  you 
may  place  confidence  in  woman,  generally, 
but  never  until  then.  Not  one  woman  in 
twenty  deserves  a  husband,  and  not  one  hus 
band  in  fifty  is  fit  to  live  with  his  wife.  So 
keep  single.  About  all  you'll  have  to  do,  in 
fact,  will  be  to  look  after  your  washing,  sew 
on  a  button  now  and  then,  and  watch  the 
dilapidated  state  of  your  stockings ;  add  a 
quarter  of  a  dollar  weekly  to  your  laundry  ex 
penses,  for  buttons,  yarn  and  labor,  and  you'll 
be  relieved  even  of  this  responsibility." 

I  listened  to  all  that  this  wonderful  man 
said,  determined  to  profit  by  it.  I  burned 


170 

the  letters,  resolved  to  add  twenty-five  cents 
a  week  to  laundry  expenses,  and  to  pursue 
my  vocation  with  renewed  zeal  and  courage. 
I  now  began  to  think  I  was  not  required  as 
an  auxiliary  to  the  comforts  of  another, 
and  to  induce  a  change  in  my  habits  I  con 
sidered  it  necessary  to  discover  attractions 
beyond  the  realization  of  the  past,  and  fully 
up  to  my  newly  formed  standard  in  the 
future. 

My  friend  Doolittle  left  my  room,  advising 
me  to  think  no  more  about  the  affair  ;  adding, 
by  the  time  I  had  experienced  four  more  such 
attacks,  I  should  become  accustomed  to  this 
old  fashioned  "  chill  and  fever,"  and  find  it 
quite  easy  to  shake  them  off.  Several  of  my 
intimate  friends  recommended  me  to  seek 
different  employment  from  the  one  then  fol 
lowed,  and  give  up  the  "  fanatical  project " 
of  preventing  the  use  of  tobacco,  which  so 
long  had  been  one  of  the  greatest  objects  of 
my  life. 

The  late  acquaintance  made  through  my 
connection  with  the  Club,  brought  me  in  con 
tact  with  several  business  men  of  our  city, 
among  whom  was  a  Mr.  Sprout,  who  held  out 


171 

to  me  flattering  encouragement  to  enter  upon 
a  more  lucrative  employment.  This  gentle 
man  offered  me  a  book-agency,  and  a  salary 
of  fifty  dollars  monthly,  if  I  would  enter  his 
service.  I  conversed  with  friend  Doolittle 
and  from  him  received  no  little  encourage 
ment,  at  least  to  make  an  effort,  and  see  what 
could  be  accomplished.  I  accepted  the  gen 
erous  offer  of  Mr.  Sprout,  —  having  already 
abandoned  the  idea  of  occupying  the  rooms 
which  Mr.  Doolittle  had  obtained  the  refusal 
of — and  as  I  still  remained  at  the  hotel,  I 
was  not  long  arranging  to  leave  for  this  new 
field  of  labor. 

Mr.  Sprout  was  engaged  in  publishing  a 
series  of  Reading  books.  Obtaining  a  set 
from  the  publisher,  I  earnestly  set  myself  to 
work  in  order  to  become  thoroughly  master 
of  the  elocutionary  principles.  Having  had 
no  little  experience  in  my  earlier  days  in 
teaching  this  branch,  I  presumed  I  should 
meet  with  a  welcome  as  well  as  with  success 
among  the  educational  community,  and  felt 
assured  the  arrangement  entered  into  between 
employer  and  employe  would  result  in  our 
mutual  benefit.  The  Readers  for  which  I 


172 

enlisted  were  known  as  the  new  "  Sampsonian 
Series."  The  old  books,  by  the  same  author, 
met  with  several  mishaps,  and  after  severe 
criticism,  were  discarded  and  entirely  aban 
doned. 

I  devoted  many  hours  to  the  study  of  these 
books.  The  primary  works  were  fair,  but  I 
could  not  discover  any  very  strong  indications 
of  practical  knowledge  displayed  by  the  com 
piler,  for  /found  little  or  nothing  to  entitle 
the  maker  to  be  called  an  Author.  As  the 
higher  books  of  the  series  puzzled  me  still 
more,  I  obtained  the  assistance  of  an  eminent 
elocutionist,  engaged  in  bringing  forward 
several  standard  works  on  this  subject,  who 
gave  me  lessons  in  reading.  I  then  ventured 
to  commence  my  labors  in  pursuit  of  some  one 
who  was  suffering  for  more  light  and  greater 
knowledge  than  could  otherwise  be  obtained 
from  any  other  elocutionary  work  extant. 

My  first  visit  was  made  to  the  town  of . 

Calling  upon  the  Superintendent  of  Schools, 
I  put  on  one  of  my  blandest  smiles  and  in 
quired  if  a  change  of  Readers,  in  his  schools, 
was  not  absolutely  necessary. 

I  at  once  exhibited  the  books  of  the  series 


173 

for  which  I  was  engaged,  and  after  an  hour's 
conversation,  I  inferred  from  his  silence  a 
favorable  impression  had  been  formed.  The 
Superintendent  suddenly  rising  from  his  chair, 
remarked,  "  these  books  possess  no  advantage 
over  the  books  now  in  use  in  our  schools.  I 
don't  believe  we  should  wish  to  change  at 
present,  nor  do  I  think  much  of  the  elocution 
ary  arrangement  over  which  you  have  made 
considerable  talk  ;  in  fact,  it  is  an  old  system 
and  not  so  clearly  illustrated  as  you  imagine. 
Your  primary  books  contain  nothing  new; 
most  of  the  selections,  I  notice,  are  from 
the  old  '  Sampsonian  Series/  or  copied  from 
other  authors.  No,  sir;  we  don't  want  your 
books." 

"  My  dear  sir,"  said  I,  "  allow  me  to  con 
vince  you.  This  series,  in  reality,  is  the  work 
of  several  of  the  most  distinguished  edu 
cators  ever  known  to  New  England.  The 
elocutionary  system  is  far  superior  to  any 
extant ;  a  little  old,  so  too  is  the  Koran,  but 
not  the  less  serviceable.  The  pictures  have 
been  drawn  by  our  best  artists.  The  books 
bound  by  the  first  mechanics  in  the  art,  and 
should  it  meet  your  pleasure  I  would  be  happy 


174 

to  declaim  a  few  pieces  illustrative  of  the 
system  we  have  adopted.  This,  too,  is  my 
first  visit  to  secure  their  introduction,  and  if 
you  can't  adopt  the  entire  series,  can  I  not 
persuade  you  to  take  the  Primer  ?  "  With  a 
significant  look,  I  inquired  if  he  possessed  a 
dictionary.  He  said  he  did  not.  Developing 
myself  at  this  response,  I  remarked,  I  would 
allow  him  anything  for  his  services  he  might 
reqtiire,  and  send  him  also  a  vocabulary  of 
the  English  language,  gratuitously,  if  he 
would  introduce  the  whole  or  a  part  of  the 
series. 

"  I  don't  ..do  my  work,"  said  the  Superin 
tendent,  "  on  conditions  first  proposed ;  as 
for  the  dictionary,  the  '  gift-enterprise  busi 
ness  '  has  become  so  common,  a  school  com 
mittee-man  couldn't  have  one  in  his  possession, 
unless  every  person  seeing  it  would  suppose 
it  the  result  of  an  investment  in  that  direc 
tion,  if  not  a  present  for  the  sake  of  Auld 
Lang  Syne  ;  although  I  never  saw  you  before 
in  my  life,  I  want  to  give  you  a  little  advice," 
continued  the  Superintendent;  "  don't  expect 
in  your  travels  to  catch  every  man  you  meet 
by  such  offers." 


175 

"  You  misunderstand  me,  altogether,  my 
dear  sir/'  said  I.  "  The  gratuitous  offer  I 
made  you  is  for  your  unbiased  influence  in 
their  favor;  while  the  vocabulary  is  for  refer 
ence  only  of  children  attending  the  common 
schools  ;  it  would  be  best,  I  thought,  to  keep 
it  at  your  house,  as  the  most  convenient  place 
and  the  easiest  of  access.  No ;  no  ;  don't 
think  me  disposed  to  make  any  improper  ad 
vances  ;  I  am  above  suspicion,  I  trust." 

My  school  committee-man  at  this  juncture, 
having  a  sudden  engagement  at  a  neighbor 
ing  house,  and  one,  I  thought  from  his  actions, 
requiring  immediate  attention,  left  me  quite 
abruptly,  not  even  bidding  me  "  good  morn 
ing."  I  gathered  up  my  books  and  started 
by  the  nearest  possible  route  for  the  depot, 
taking  the  first  train  for  an  adjoining  town. 

On  my  journey  I  chanced  to  meet  a  gentle 
man  engaged  in  teaching  school  in  the  very 
place  I  was  about  visiting.  After  enlisting 
his  sympathy  and  securing,  as  1  supposed,  his 
influence,  I  said  to  him,  "you  are  just  the 
man  we  want  in  our  city  schools,  arid  I  am 
instructed  to  secure  the  services  of  those  I 
think  proper,  and,  so  soon  as  you  have  intro- 


176 

duced  the  '  Sampsonian  Series  '  into  the 
schools  of  your  town,  by  personal  labor,  or 
influencing  the  Superintendent  to  adopt  the 
same,  if  you  will  call  at  our  office  you  shall 
be  placed  at  the  head  of  the  best  school  in 
the  city,  or  provided  with  a  book-agency 
which  will  prove  equally  lucrative." 

Giving  him  an  order  for  a  set  of  the  "  Samp 
sonian  "  books  "  for  examination  with  a  view 
to  their  introduction,"  I  noticed,  he  —  unin 
tentionally,  no  doubt  —  dropped  the  paper  on 
the  floor  of  the  car,  and  turning  to  his  friend, 
I  thought  I  heard  him  say,  "  such  things  are 
about  played  out."  Continuing  my  journey, 
and  passing  the  town  in  which  the  teacher 
resided,  I  felt  confident  I  had  misunderstood 
his  remarks,  as  he  appeared  so  gentlemanly, 
and  that  the  books  would  be  adopted  through 
his  instrumentality.  I  did  not  clearly  con 
ceive  how  many  teachers  could  find  ready 
employment,  should  I  engage  their  services  ; 
but  my  publisher,  no  doubt,  understood  his 
branch  of  the  business. 

Taking  up  a  paper  I  noticed  a  meeting  of 
the  Board  of  Education  of  a  neighboring  state 
about  to  take  place.  This,  I  thought,  would 


177 

enable  me  to  introduce  my  new  "  Sampsonian 
Series  "  to  the  notice  of  the  members  of  the 
Board,  and  I  thought  as  they  were  so  "  supe 
rior  "  in  merit,  these  excellent  books  no  doubt 
would  be  immediately  recommended  for  gen 
eral  use  throughout  the  state.  Without  a 
moment's  loss  of  time,  1  started  for  the  town 
in  which  the  Board  were  to  hold  their  session. 
Arriving  at  the  hotel,  I  found  it  filled  with 
book-agents  of  all  sorts.  A  few  were  jolly 
and  full  of  expectations  ;  others,  solemn  as 
the  grave ;  while  very  many  looked  as  fright 
ened  as  if  just  chased  by  a  bear. 

I  moved  about  unknown  for  a  while,  keep 
ing  my  eyes  open  and  watching  the  artful 
dodges  of  the  enemy.  Secret  meetings  by 
book-agents  were  being  held  in  nearly  every 
room  in  the  house  ;  first,  one  plan  would  be 
devised  to  cut  off  the  encroaching  invader  of 
another's  rights  ;  next,  a  trap  would  be  laid 
for  the  accomplishment  of  some  grand  scheme, 
while  five  minutes  later,  every  agent  would 
be  running  to  and  fro,  to  ward  off  some  newly 
discovered  plot  for  a  perfect  annihilation  of 
their  newly  conceived  plans. 

The  principal  books  I  had  to  compete  with, 
12 


178 

I  •  supposed,  were  the  "  Noah-antic  Series." 
The  Board,  meantime,  were  in  secret  session, 
except  to  hear  what  each  representative  of  a 
book  had  to  say  in  favor  of  its  adoption. 
Sending  in  my  name,  as  the  general  agent 
of  the  "  Sampsonian  Series  "  of  text  books,  I 
was  soon  admitted  to  an  audience.  I  found 
the  majority  of  the  Board  to  be  men  possess 
ing  discriminating  and  comprehensive  minds  ; 
men  evidently  knowing  their  duty  and  deter 
mined  to  perform  the  same,  without  fear  or 
favor.  After  spending  an  hour  eulogizing 
the  reading  books,  dwelling  at  length  on  the 
elocutionary  principles  therein  taught,  during 
which  time  I  received  the  attention  of  the 
full  Board,  I  majestically  bowed,  and  retired 
to  await  its  decision. 

Several  dajTs  had  thus  been  passed  in  decid 
ing  upon  the  books  best  adapted  to  the  wants 
of  the  schools,  and  from  the  appeal  made  on 
the  part  of  various  representatives,  one  would 
suppose  each  series,  in  its  turn,  was  not  only 
decidedly  superior  to  the  one  last  heard  from, 
but  the  only  one  then  in  use  in  every  school 
in  the  country,  and  contained  more  "  practical 
lessons  "  than  could  be  absolutely  taught,  or 


179 

understood  by  the  agent  himself.  "  The  Noah- 
antic  Series  "  contained  as  many  pictures  as  a 
family  bible,  while  in  binding,  "  great  superi 
ority  "  existed  in  each  series  presented.  An 
unfortunate  event  occurred,  however,  on  the 
part  of  the  agent  in  presenting  the  Noah-antic 
Series,  who,  in  opening  a  book  to  a  too  great 
extent,  caused  thereby  an  entire  "form"  to  be 
loosed  from  the  cover,  which  dropped  to  the 
floor. 

It  is  sufficient  for  me  to  add,  in  conclusion, 
the  "  Sampsonian  Series  "  and  the  "Noah-antic 
Series,"  were  both  rejected  by  the  Board. 
All  said  I  had  acted  my  part  nobly,  especially 
the  landlord,  as  he  handed  me  a  receipted  bill 
for  a  week's  entertainment. 

My  success  in  book-agency  I  found  would 
not  amount  to  much,  and  retracing  my  steps 
to  the  city  I  was  early  informed  by  the  pub 
lisher,  I  had  better  seek  some  other  employ 
ment.  I  "  concurred  most  fully,"  having 
discovered  he  knew  best  as  to  my  qualifica- 
tions,  nor  was  I  long  in  comprehending  the 
meaning  of  his  remarks. 

Leaving  the  book-agency,  I  returned  to 
private  life,  but  for  a  few  days  only.  A  friend 


180 

having  composed  a  set  of  "  Business  Rules," 
for  the  sale  of  which  I  was  appointed  Gen 
eral  Agent,  a  few  hundred  copies  only  were 
printed,  in  order  to  test  their  acceptance  in 
the  estimation  of  the  public.  The  first  edi 
tion  was  sold  in  two  days'  time  ;  a  second 
edition  of  ten  thousand  was  then  ordered  to 
be  printed,  and  sub-agents  were  appointed  in 
various  cities  and  towns  for  the  distribution 
and  sale  of  the  same. 

Here  commenced  a  new  era  in  my  life. 
The  "  Business  Rules  "  found  a  ready  market, 
and  orders  were  received  beyond  our  ability 
to  meet.  Profits  began  to  increase,  and  I 
found  myself  the  possessor  of  ten  and  some 
times  twenty  dollars  a  day.  Perhaps  no 
space  can  be  better  occupied  than  by  a  re 
cord  of  these  Rules, —  permission  having  been 
granted  me  for  this  purpose  by  the  copy 
right  owner,  and  which,  have  served  as  the 
ground  work  of  my  success. 

BUSINESS  men,  in  business  hours,  attend 
only  to  business  matters. 

Social  calls  are  best  adapted  to  Social  Cir 
cles. 

Make  your  business  known  in  few  words, 
and  lose  few  moments  in  so  doing. 


181 


Let  your  dealings  with  a  stranger  be  care 
fully  considered,  and  tried  friendship  duly 
appreciated. 

A  mean  act  will  soon  recoil,  and  a  man  of 
honor  will  be  esteemed. 

Leave  "  Tricks  of  Trade  "  to  those  whose 
education  was  never  completed. 

Treat  all  with  respect ;  confide  in  few ; 
wrong  no  man. 

"  Be  never  afraid  to  say  No,"  and  always 
prompt  to  acknowledge  a  wrong. 

Because  a  friend  is  polite,  do  not  think  his 
time  valueless. 


Having  been  successful  in  this  enterprise, 
I  was  tendered  positions  of  greater  responsi 
bility  in  various  mercantile  and  other  inter 
ests.  Accepting  one  best  adapted  to  my 
acquirements,  taste  and  education,  I  per 
formed  the  duties  incumbent,  with  profit  to 
the  employer,  and  I  trust  with  honor  to  the 
employe. 

The  result  of  the  past  few  months  con 
vinced  me  that  worldly  possessions  are  not 
all  we  require  to  complete  the  "journey 


1.82 

through  the  wilderness."  The  bandage  re 
moved  from  our  eyes,  the  disguise  of  false- 
custom  thrown  off,  with  the  fraternal  "  grip  " 
of  honesty  and  friendship  in  our  possession, 
with  the  true  "  pass  "  to  morality  and  virtue 
revealed  to  us,  with  the  "  sign  "  of  Christian 
charity  and  brotherly  love  exemplified  in 
every  act,  the  great  end  of  life  can  only  be 
attained  through  these  exalted  traits  indelibly 
written  upon  the  folds  of  that  standard,  which, 
floating  over  us,  will  constantly  inspire  man 
to  nobler  deeds,  but  trailing  at  his  feet,  will 
impede  progress  and  convert  manliness  into 
cowardice,  and  cowardice  into  crime. 


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